What is radical acceptance and how it helps you stop suffering

What is radical acceptance

These are psychological practicesWhat Is Radical Acceptance? / Verywell Mind, which are needed in order to relatively quickly get through a difficult situation and find motivation to live on.

A person with whom something very unpleasant has happened is inclined to rush for a long time between denial, longing and doom, anger and self-pity. Radical acceptance helps you get out of this circle, accept that reality is what it is, and focus on actions that can improve your situation or relieve pain.

The basic idea of ​​radical acceptance can be summed up like this: “Bad things have happened, I am in pain, and this is perfectly normal. I can get stuck in my suffering, or I can admit that events have already happened and move on. "

Moreover, accepting something does not mean agreeing with it or deciding that this is normal, or suppressing your feelings and forcing yourself to radiate positive. No, the point is that things are exactly the way they are, and all feelings about this are fair. But they hurt, and you need to shift the focus a little towards something more constructive.

This idea is far from new, its roots lie in the philosophy of Buddhism, according to which the causes of suffering should be sought in desires and attachments. It is not uncommon for psychologists to use this concept to help clients. In 1998, psychotherapist Marsha Linehan developed an approach she called dialectical behavioral therapy. This type of therapy is effectiveM. M. Linehan, H. E. Armstrong, A. Suarez, D. Allmon, H. L. Heard. Cognitive ‑ behavioral treatment of chronically parasuicidal borderline patients / Archives Of General Psychiatry with borderline personality disorder and depression, and among other things, helps to develop resistance to stress and the ability to accept.

Who Should Practice Radical Acceptance and Who Shouldn't

The main “indication” for such an approach is that a person is unable to change what happened, the situation at the moment or, in principle, is outside the sphere of his influence.

Such cases include death of a loved one, parting, loss of job or property, political events and natural phenomena, any disappointment and disillusionment. For example, I went to college to get a dream profession, and realized that this was not at all what I wanted to do; bought an apartment, but it turned out that he had got a bunch of problems.

But there are situations in which radical acceptance is inappropriate. These are all cases when a person is mistreated and in danger: abusive relationships, violence and harassment, injustice and violation of rights. Also, radical acceptance is not the best solution if the person can make a difference.

How to practice radical acceptance

This is not the easiest skill, it will not be possible to master it in five minutes according to the instructions. Acceptance needs to be developed, sometimes for life. But the good news is, you will get better every time. Here are some guidelines to help you with this.

1. Learn mindfulness

The first step to acceptance is being aware of what is happening to you, your emotions, their causes, and the events that affect them.

If you are overwhelmed by acute feelings, you must first of all isolate from this tangle specific emotions: rage, longing, grief, a sense of loss, fear, sadness - and name them. Then trace why they arose, what thoughts and events triggered them.

• "I'm furious because I was unjustly fired."
• “I feel betrayed because from me gone beloved person. "
• “I’m scared because I think I’ll never find a normal job or be alone forever.”
• "My hands give up, because I seem worthless to myself and I don't know how to continue to live."

If you understand the chain "event - thought - feeling", it will be easier for you to focus on what happened and how to accept and release it.

2. Recognize that the situation is beyond your control

What happened happened. To rewind everything and make it so that everything becomes different, not in your control.

Alas, there is no way to resurrect a deceased person, defeat an incurable disease, or roll back a catastrophic financial decision. To return a spouse who has already filed for divorce, to recover from a job from which you were fired, to cancel an unsuccessful move is most often also almost unrealistic.

And this is a reality with which you will have to work further. It is worth reminding yourself of this more often so that there is no temptation to fall into denial, bargaining and painful fantasies: "But if I acted differently ...", "What if you can still turn to that witch from the Internet... ".

3. Imagine You Have Already Attained Acceptance

So you woke up in the morning and realized that you are accustomed to your small or big disaster. How do you feel? What do you do? What does your life look like in general? Are you better than now, when you are overwhelmed with feelings of injustice and self-pity? Try this state on yourself.

4. List what you can influence

Yes, much does not depend on us. But there are events and conditions, the control of which is in our hands. For example, if you lose your job, you cannot influence the decision of the management, but you can do something.

• Ask for detailed feedback about your work and recommendations for a new place if it is appropriate and you lost your job through no fault of your own, but, for example, due to reductions.
• Refresh your resume and start looking for a new job.
• Go to study to fill a skill gap or qualify for a higher position.
• Take care of yourself and your well-being: relax, go to a psychotherapist, do things that are pleasant for you, spend time with loved ones.

The very realization that you are not helpless is already very inspiring and helps to find the strength to accept the current situation.

5. Make a plan of action

If you have what you can do, do it. Yes, you cannot return everything as it was, but you can get distracted or somehow sweeten your pill.

For example, you really do not like the apartment in which you live, but you cannot change it now. Look for budget-friendly ways to freshen up your interiors and create coziness. Walk around the area and find interesting places to spend your time.

Or, say, you have break with a loved one. Yes, it hurts and nothing can be changed. But you can do something that you didn't have enough time to do while you were in a relationship: go to classes, start a creative project, or have a home spa treatment every weekend.

In any case, your task is to switch from unproductive experiences to concrete and understandable actions.

6. Meditate

You don't have to do it for a long time or bother with the rules. Just sit with your back straight, close your eyes and focus on your breathing. Do not try to stop your thoughts, but gently return the focus to breathing every time you are distracted by the fact that a car is driving outside the window, your stomach is humming, and tomorrow you will have to ride this stupid subway again.

Meditation teaches you to let go of thoughts and experiences and keep only the present moment in focus.

7. Keep a diary

Set aside 20 minutes a day and splash out whatever worries you on the pages. Write that you are angry and sad, that you are tired of everything, that the world is unfair. Don't worry about writing well, no one will read these notes anyway.

8. Ask for help

If you are stuck in negative experiences for a long time and they prevent you from living a full life, but you cannot cope with it on your own, contact a psychotherapist.