Anger management: how to draw the fury to his advantage

Danish writer and psychotherapist Ilse Sand in his book "Compass emotions: how to understand their feelings," laid out on shelves real origins of aggression and made recommendations as to direct swirling emotions into productive direction instead devastating.

Each of us have moments when we get angry at other people. And as if to anger really have a reason. Someone pushed you never apologized. Someone late for an important meeting, making plans to move. Someone climbs with its tenderness and silly text message when the blockage! Will you give an objective, at first glance, indignation, report "offender" - and get output conflict, spoiled the mood, tense relations with others, and other delights splashed anger.

At such moments, many comforting thought: "He started it, I just said." But this is not the case. Very rarely anger - it's just anger. Much more often we get angry at other people is not their fault - causes rage hidden in ourselves. Anger - typical secondary feeling which arises only as a response to other, deeper emotions that we feel over the situation.

These emotions, becoming the trigger for the fury, in most cases, based on one of four reasons.

1. Someone in word or deed intentionally or accidentally hurt your feelings, I humiliated you demonstrated your insignificance. This is one of the most common causes of anger. Vanity - a sore point of all mankind.
2. Someone offers you the attention, intimacy, care, that you are not ready to accept. The resultant irritation - it is self-defense, it works almost automatically.
3. Someone commits an act which flatly contradict your values ​​and ideals.
4. Someone by their actions violate your plans and complicates the achievement of objectives.

If you determine which of these causes is producing anger with anger is easier to handle. Consider these four groups in more detail.

1. anger management, when hurt feelings

The anger that arises in response to criticism or humiliation, psychologists call narcissistic. Reaction to it in the most predictable: people turn into children, which repel the offender and shout to him: "Sam is!" In the more moderate and there is another rational desire - to try to explain, indicate counterpart that he was mistaken in his criticism, to ensure that he changed his opinion.

Unfortunately, these tactics often fail. If you are fired up, business will grow into a conflict in which the abuser is hardly recognizes your right. If you begin to be explained, you are likely to find it boring and hardly listen.

How it looks in my life

We represent the husband and father (well, let's, Kohl), who returns home after work, see Children painted wallpaper, tired wife Nastya, but in addition also detects the kitchen dirty mountain utensils. "You do all day sat at home, surely it was impossible even to wash dishes ?!" - he breaks out.

Nastya boils predictably in response. She wants to shout: "No! Try it yourself "house sit," I see how you could do it with two children, runs away with them for shopping, all were fed, read a book with them, to hang laundry! "Nastia is ready to transfer the heat of all that Kole homeworkShe performs, and he does not notice.

And, at first glance, Nastya law. But if she gives vent to his indignation, it will only exacerbate the conflict.

What to do

Understand that anger in this case - a sense secondary. Most likely, for Nastya's indignation was not hiding his anger on her husband, and the other two senses.

1. sorrow

Sadness over the fact that the closest person sees Nastia not what she wanted to look in his eyes. Not his wife, who puts a lot of strength in that, to create a husband "reliable rear", to be a good mom for common children, and an idler and a slut.

If so, then the best solution would be to voice their true emotion. Kole say: "I am very upset that you scold me." Most likely, he will say: "And what do you think I'm wrong ?!" And only now nastaot when Nastia makes sense to indulge in explanations, because Kohl expressed his willingness to listen to her.

2. Fear

This feeling is also often hides behind the narcissistic rage. Nastya is experiencing: if Nick really thought it was a slut, then he does not want more than to live with her? Suddenly he begins to look for another woman?

If Nastya really afraid parting, It is necessary to once again voice their experiences. For example, ask: "Do you say so... It means you love me less?"

This Nick can answer: "I love you, but I was so tired after work. I just want to come to clean the house, where I was met by a dinner. " Of the aggressor in the eyes of Nasty Nick transformed into what is - in a tired man who nonetheless loves her and the children. Fear will vanish, and with it will go, and anger. And the vital task can be solved without raising voices at each other.

Restrain the feelings are not always useful - it can lead to other problems. But good to know that you still have the choice of how to react.

Ilse Sand

2. anger management, when we defend

This is also a common situation: there are times when we need to be alone. So what happens when internal resources are exhausted and the person needs a break to gather strength again. or assistance proposals concern at such moments is not always the way. Unconsciously defending against "invasion", we start loved ones.

How it looks in my life

The last three months, Nina desperately to work hard at work, relying on increase. But for some reason, the authorities opted for another employee. Nina returns home. She feels exhausted and devastated, not quite understand what to do next.

Comes home and her husband Sergey Nina. He smiles, puts the kitchen products, but Nina has neither the desire nor the strength to communicate with him. She silently accepted to cook dinner.

At that moment Sergey playfully tries to hug her and Nina feels like it flashes irritation. She abruptly shakes his hand and wanted to say, "Do not touch me! Go Brush your best potatoes! "

Most likely, these words of Sergei hurt with all the consequences for the family. Nina wakes up in the morning with the melancholy thought that it either at work do not appreciate or do not understand the house.

What to do

Again, understand that anger, which is experiencing Nina in response to the touch - is secondary. Her irritation is not Sergey: it is connected with a perfectly normal desire to spend some time alone.

And all will be wiser to say it out loud. For example: "I now do not want to talk, let me be alone." Or else: "I'm sorry, you have nothing to do with it. I need to think a little, okay? When let go, I'll tell you about it. "

Yes, in such cases, it may be difficult to pull myself together and articulate their feelings so as not to offend someone. If you notice that you do not deal with anger and alienate loved ones, help that still need should discuss this situation with psychotherapist.

You can not spend your life in vain, suffering from what we start those in whom so need.

Ilse Sand

3. anger management, when someone rejects our values

We are all different, and it is not surprising that the habits, behaviors, ideas of "right" and "wrong," we are different. Sometimes the differences are so great that cause anger.

How it looks in my life

Masha loves her job, but not like a colleague Inna Pavlovna, who catches her in the hallway for a long time and accepted to talk about the fact that Masha quite interesting: a country, seedlings, grandson Kesh and chickenpox.

Sometimes Mary is ready to flare up: "Inna Pavlovna, that you bothering me! I also have a lot of problems, I did not fall out of you! I appreciate your personal space, and that you learn to appreciate mine! "

But this is a destructive option: it is at least spoil relations. At most Inna Pavlovna remember that she then chief accountant, and no good for Maria, which occupies a position below, it will not end.

What to do

Realize that the blame Inna Pavlovna is that it behaves as would never have behaved Masha. And there are two options.

First, you can try to persuade the "offender" to change the behavior so that it is no longer contrary to the principles of life of Masha. This can be done by referring, for example, the abundance of work. "Excuse me, Inna Pavlovna, I'm very, very busy right now, the report is on fire!" - and repeat this mantra at every meeting.

Secondly, we can reflect on their own principles, and possibly revise some of them. That is why Mary is trying not to tell anyone about their problems? Maybe she was afraid to exert their associates? Or considers them small and not interesting? But this is a manifestation of complexes! It may well be that our colleagues, if Masha learns to share with them their experiences, will be able to give good advice. Allow or others, and tell yourself that "hurts" - a good solution.

If you are bringing to himself too high expectations, it is often annoyed at those who allow themselves to relax.

Ilse Sand

However, when it comes to values ​​and ideas, we have a different approach. If, say, you care about the environment, you probably get angry when he saw someone pollutes it. And in this case, your anger is justified. In defending its values, you will feel much better. Well, to feel confidentlyIt makes sense to join the organization in which the value system is similar to yours.

4. anger management, when someone violates our plans

In these situations, we do not get the desired, and thus they do not belong to any of the three other categories. Here are a few examples.

1. You would think if someone bothers you reach the goal (you insert a stick in the wheels).
2. You do not get the desired (feel frustrated).
3. Other violate your boundaries: touch your things or dancing with your partner too closely against him. Last provokes anger, like animal dander, when a stranger invades their territory.

How it looks in my life

Suppose your neighbor's parked in front of your garage. You can leave, but you'll have to spend a more time and effort than usual, and you've already late! The first desire - to kick the offender's car on the wheel, and when he comes out, he put all that you think about it.

Throw out the anger in this case seems to be a good solution. But, unfortunately, to no good it will not. Most likely, you will hear from a neighbor something like: "In two minutes the car left, and you are made a tantrum!" Or "Who gave you the right to talk to me in that tone ?!" As a result of ill-wisher you will more.

When you are angry, you have an unfulfilled desire. If you are aware of exactly what you want, and will carry it to the opponent instead of anger, eventually you will achieve much better results.

Ilse Sand

What to do

If you realize that anger stems from the fact that someone is infringing your plansTry to express emotions in the form of reproach, but as suggestions. Neighbor can say, for example: "If you are not hard, drive away, please, the car just a couple of meters to the left. Then I find it easier to leave. "

Most likely, such a polite request will be executed, and not turn into a smoldering conflict. Instead opponent you get the person who once you have worked - and likely will continue to cooperate.

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These tips are only a few anger management secrets. In the book "Compass emotions: how to understand their feelings," says Ilse Sand, how to recognize their true feelings, and tactfully but clearly explain them to others. This will help you to deal not only with anger, but also with other negative emotions: envy, resentment, shame - and to squeeze out of them positive opportunities.

Paper bookElectronic book

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