“I wasn’t on maternity leave - not a man”: writer Svetlana Kolchik - about how families change and why you shouldn’t be afraid of it

Why families change

Finding a job, getting married, having children - this used to be a predictable and dominant line of life. I grew up in the 90s. But even me, a resident of Moscow, was for a long time dominated by social pressure: “I need to get married soon”, “I need to realize myself as a woman” and other attitudes from the vocabulary of our mothers.

Now there are much more options for building your life and relationships. German sociologists call this "the tyranny of opportunity."

We live in an era of the most rapid changes in the institution of family and relationships. This, among other things, is influenced by two important factors - the development of the economy and the digital revolution, which is transforming the information field.

Economic development

The economy has always influenced—and continues to influence—the institution of the family. Until about the 19th century, the villages were dominated by traditional families, often consisting of several generations. Father, mother, children, grandfathers, grandmothers and other relatives lived under one roof. But the industrial revolution changed this way: people began to separate from their clans and move to big cities. Nuclear families - parents and children - have become a more common format.

Now in many developed countries, including Russia, there is a steady decline in the birth rate. Having children becomes too expensive. And in general, life priorities are gradually changing.

In addition, singles - those who choose not to enter into relationships - are more beneficial to the economy because they consume much more goods and services.

Information revolution

In the 1990s, people had access to the Internet, in the 2000s everyone got phones, in the 1910s they began to massively use social networks. The information field has changed.

That is why the election of zoomers - those who are now 18-25 years old - is so different from the election of millennials and previous generations. They were born with a phone in their hand, they always had access to information. This affects their decisions: where and how to get acquainted, how to communicate, whether to enter into a serious relationship and when exactly, what kind of format these relationships will have, whether to have children.

How families change

I will rather touch on how roles and interactions within the family are changing. Although, of course, the fact that its very concept is changing is also important.

The concept of family is expanding

Some may argue that the family is only what is described in the constitution. But, having talked with people of different generations on this topic, I heard many such answers:

- I live alone, and I - his own family.
“I am a single mother with a child, and we are a family.
- My family is a lot of "bonus" relatives.

In the last phrase, we are talking about the so-called patchwork families (from the English. patchwork family - by analogy with a colorful patchwork quilt).

After a divorce, there are many “patches” in the form of new relatives: a “bonus” mother, “bonus” brothers and sisters.

If parents have new partners with children from previous marriages, all of them automatically become the so-called bonus relatives. And everyone is trying to build civilized relations with each other. If that doesn't work, call for help. family psychologists. It turns out that the family after a divorce does not break up, but, on the contrary, expands.

This format is common in Northern Europe. There, often after a divorce, children take turns living in the house of each of the parents: one week - there, another - there. And so on until adulthood. People resort to such a strategy not only for the sake of optimizing time, but also for the children after a divorce to communicate equally with both dad and mom. In this case, the child is a little easier to endure the separation of adults.

In addition, by opinion According to child psychologist Linda Nielson, the more equal time children spend with each parent after a divorce, the better it is for them in the long run. This applies to all areas of life, including health - their psyche and immunity are stronger than those of children who live only with one parent. The psychologist came to this conclusion after analyzing 40 studies conducted over a quarter of a century. In her opinion, at least 35% of the time should be spent with the second parent.

Fathers are more actively immersed in parenting

Conscious parenthood and, in particular, active fatherhood is becoming a great value. Men understand that to be a dad Cool. Many rethink their role, they want to be qualitatively different dads than their own fathers, especially if the last day they disappeared at work or always lay on the couch with a bottle of beer. Some of them didn't have fathers at all.

One of the characters with whom I spoke for my book, Alexei Chegodaev, chairman of the Council of Fathers under the Moscow Ombudsman, spoke about his path to active fatherhood. When his eldest daughter was little, he was almost never at home: he disappeared in the office. And when she had already grown up and they went on a trip together, he realized that he did not know at all what to talk about with her and how. It was like an alarm for him. He is now in his second marriage second child, with whom he decided to spend as much time as possible from infancy.

And by the way, there are many researchproving that children who were actively cared for by their fathers from birth develop faster, cry less, and adapt better in society in the future.

Gender contracts are also multiplying. Many couples agree on distribution of responsibilitiesbased on economic realities. If a man, for example, currently earns less than his partner, or he has a different format of work - remote or part-time - it will be more profitable for him to sit with a child.

Maternity leave, however, is issued only by a few, although according to the law in Russia, a man can take a decree before the child reaches the age of three.

But for most families, this is simply not profitable: men in Russia are still earn more. And even if the state compensated by decree, as in the same Sweden, 80% of their salaries, it would be extremely difficult to live on this money.

Such changes - in society and the family - do not occur immediately. This sometimes takes years and even decades. For example, in the early 2000s, Quebec increased maternity benefits for men and allocated a period of time that only fathers could take. And the number of men taking parental leave has increased 8 times in 10 years! And in Sweden and other Scandinavian countries, for fathers who have not served at least a few months on decree, today they generally look with condemnation: they say, then you are not a real man.

But, of course, it wasn't always like that. So maybe we still have a long way to go. Moreover, according to opinion polls, most Russians agree that dads can take care of children no worse than moms.

There are more and more “good divorces”

In many developed countries, including Russia, every second marriage breaks up. The divorce rate in Europe jumped 150% between 1965 and 2011. In Russia, the proportion of remarriages has almost quadrupled since 1960. But the causes and the very quality of divorces are changing.

As psychologists say, if people used to get divorced when it was “very bad”, now they increasingly scatter when it is “not good enough”.

Partners try to listen to the true needs and desires - their own and others - learn to show greater emotional maturity. And if they still decide to get a divorce, they try to do it civilizedto minimize trauma for children.

Going to a psychotherapist is also gradually becoming the norm - for residents of large cities, for sure.

In Russia, there are still stereotypes about “divorced women with a trailer” or beliefs that we must stay together at all costs “for the sake of the children.” However, they, too, are gradually fading into the past.

Why You Shouldn't Be Afraid of Change

Many fear that if the nuclear family ceases to be the dominant format, society will fall into chaos. But this is unlikely to happen. Social connections are the most important human need. According to the scale of basic human needs, which was developed in the mid-1950s by psychologist Abraham Maslow, the need belonging to a loyal group is in third place - just behind the needs to eat, drink, sleep and be in security.

However, the ways in which this basic need is met are changing. At one stage of life, we can consider our loved one as a family in general. pet or virtual friends. On the other, people who are close in spirit with whom they chose to live in coliving. Communities can replace blood relatives in both importance and role.

But even if people stop marrying, they will still be in dire need of support in the person of "their own" - those who understand and accept them.

There is no escape from these changes. You are afraid - you are not afraid, but families still change, as they have been changing throughout human history. There is no escape from global trends, and perhaps some will come to Russia even earlier than we think.

How to prepare for this? First, broaden your horizons. When I interacted with the characters for my book, I myself, when working with different topics, sometimes had question: "What, so it was possible?" Broadening one's horizons makes it possible to better understand and accept the other, new.

Secondly, it is important to get to know yourself better. Listen to your fears, needs, true desires. As usual, that's one thing. As you want, it is important and necessary for you - this is different. Are you ready for kids now? And in the future? Do you want to live in a monogamous marriage? would arrange you guest relationship format?

The more happy people who know and accept themselves, the society as a whole will be more harmonious.