Why women are annoyed by men's tears and this is a problem for women - says psychologist Victoria Dmitrieva
Miscellaneous / / July 26, 2023
Why do men show less emotion
Men and women show emotions differently. And this was influenced by two factors.
1. Nature
Men have fewer hormonal explosions by nature. But this does not mean that a woman cannot learn to manage her emotions, and a man does not feel anything.
Scientists conducted various studies, but none of them proved that men are conditionally three times less emotional than women. This means that they are just as hurt, hurt, happy. But feeling emotions is one thing, and expressing them is another.
2. Society
In Russia there is a taboo on expression of complex emotions: anger, sadness. It does not make much difference who cries: a man, a woman or a child. Crying is indecent even for children. Tears are not liked because they are difficult to withstand. But, since there are much more social expectations from men, the attitude “boys don’t cry” has become entrenched in society. It's being broadcast all over the place.
In societies where boys are told from childhood: don’t laugh too hard, don’t shed a tear, restrain yourself, and girls aren’t told this, there will be a clear difference in the manifestation of male emotions.
Women's tears are less condemned by such a society. To make it clearer, I will give an example, but from a different area. There is a certain attitude of society towards infidelity and sexual behavior. Who is less condemned here? Of course, men. But that doesn't mean women don't cheat.
They just understand: you don’t have to talk openly about it so as not to deserve criticism.
It's the same with men's tears. Men sometimes too I want to cry, sometimes they are overwhelmed by emotions, but social condemnation and stereotypes prevent them from doing this.
Why women don't like men's tears
I can’t say that women directly do not like men’s tears. They just don't know how to cook them.
Women don't know how to react
If a woman has a rigid belief that boys do not cry, then at the sight of men's tears, some bonds in her head collapse. It's like everything she's been told all her life isn't confirmed. And it causes very different, mixed emotions. On the one hand, surprise, on the other, irritation: “How can he cry if the whole society thinks it’s wrong?”
And there's also fear involved. It replaces empathy.
Tears are considered non-sexual
And we're talking about both men and women. Tears do not cause sexual desire at all in anyone, except for a small percentage of people with special, let's say, preferences. Tears provoke completely different emotions: a person wants to either feel sorry for and console, or urgently help him somehow so that he stops crying.
But with sexuality and tears, a common stereotype: "Machos don't cry." Like any myths, it took shape when society needed it. When it was necessary that men have reduced sensitivity to various kinds of emotions. This stereotype helped in times of battle, when men were sent to one war, then to another. Being close to death, risking life, health, making quick decisions - all this is a difficult test for the psyche.
If in such situations a man was very sensitive, he would simply go crazy in the first hour.
He needed to encapsulate all emotions in order to survive.
Now this is no longer relevant. On the contrary, one must have emotional intelligenceto be successful, to feel the settings of other people, to be able to negotiate, build your career, personal life. You need to be able to identify your emotions and express them adequately. But the myth remains. Although times have changed, and life requires a different approach, including to the emotions of men.
Tears are associated with weakness
Many people have the belief that only a weak person can cry. The strong should not cry.
It is difficult for women to accept a weak partner, because for centuries a woman's life depended on how strong man near. Now for female survival it is not necessary that some man saves and protects you. There is no former threat to life, women have become independent and can sometimes do more than their partners. But this feeling that “a weak man cannot protect” remains.
Opposite attitudes clash in the minds of women
Modern women are in cognitive trap. On the one hand, there are basic settings that say that a man should not cry. On the other hand, many women develop in the psychological sphere, and their modern thinking says: any emotions are normal, let a man also show them. It turns out that women need to reconcile two different approaches in their head. It is not simple.
However, it cannot be said that the trend is universal. Acceptance of emotions appeared only among the most modern, advanced segments of the population.
Why you should be okay with men's tears
There are several reasons, and they are all interconnected.
Because it's natural to cry
Crying is a natural way to end the cycle of stress. And if you do not give them an outlet, they transform into something else.
If a man does not express emotions, this does not mean that they do not exist. This means that they will affect either his health or his condition. In the first case, the nervous and many other systems of the body can suffer. The second will appear aggression, addictions - a man will release emotions in inadequate ways.
There are people who do not cry and find another way to cope with emotions: go into alcoholism, addiction, gambling. Can we say that this is a strong person? Hardly.
Because otherwise a man will stop expressing positive emotions
A woman opposed to men's tears wants to eat a fish and not choke on a bone. On the one hand, she needs a man to be very tough, strong, persistent, not to cry. On the other hand, she wants him to be emotional, affectionate, caring.
But if a man has a taboo on the manifestation of some emotions, then others will also appear less.
And at some point, a woman will find herself next to a biscuit who can neither take a nap nor pity and can not stand not only other people's, but also her own emotions, transforming themsuch as aggression.
This will begin to interfere with the woman herself. She will come to a psychologist, she will complain that her man is unemotional and you won’t even get a good word from him. But the paradox is that she herself made him just like that: persistent, unemotional. Many women fall into this trap.
In order to receive positive emotions from a man, one must initially realize that the ban on any emotion actually blocks everything at once.
When men's tears should alert a woman
Sentimental tears when you watch a touching movie or see your child for the first time are natural and normal. Such a man knows how to show emotions adequately to the situation. Rejoice in this.
It's different when a man cries with or without. For example, the girl did not answer the message within 3 hours, he calls her and sobs. This is not a very appropriate situation. And it doesn't matter if it's a man or a woman. We do not expect such behavior from any person.
How to remove the ban on male tears
First you need to get rid of the garbage in your head that male tears are not normal. Then you just don’t want to swear, run away or criticize the guy for allegedly “not a man” or “not a macho”.
Stop endowing tears with additional meanings
For example, thinking that tears are a sign of weakness, or crying for the sake of someone manipulate. Believe me, men, like women, can perfectly manipulate even without tears. Or dramatize, because it's beautiful, like in a movie.
But tears are just a physiological reaction of the body, given to us by nature. Whether it’s strength or weakness, whether it helps protect you or not, tears don’t say anything about it.
Allow your children to cry
A woman can change her attitude towards men's tears if she brings up her sons without precepts that boys do not cry. This is beneficial for both the child and the parent. It must be said that all people can cry, that crying is absolutely natural.
Learn to respond appropriately to tears
There is no universally correct way. The reaction to that and the reaction is that it is instant, very fast. But there are three possible algorithms of actions
1. Show care
This means you need to ask if a man needs support. Say that you see how hard it is for him, ask how to support. It is important to offer a choice: “if you want, I’ll stay nearby, if you want, I’ll go away and leave you alone.” It is not even necessary to say something, sometimes a kind look or a hug is enough.
2. Pretend like nothing happened
A good option is not to focus on his tears. Imagine that you suddenly burst into tears in a movie theater and everyone around you is looking at you with curiosity. You probably won't be happy.
Sometimes you shouldn't attach any grandiose meaning to tears. Especially if it's tears from watching sad movie.
3. talk about it
If tears were the result of severe shocks, then you can talk with a man. But not so much about tears, but about the situation that led to them.
In difficult moments, the opposite happens, the complete absence of tears. This is also worth talking about. For example, a loved one died, and you see that the man did not shed a tear at all. You can ask him a question: how do you feel about tears? Did you cry as a child? How do you usually express emotions? Why don't you cry?
The more you openly discuss situations in a relationship, the healthier and more enjoyable the relationship will be.
Read also🧐
- 4 Ways We Use Every Day to Escape Our Emotions
- How to find and work through your "shadow" emotions
- Why negative emotions are needed and why they should not be blocked