“You are a loser”: why we are overly strict with ourselves

German psychologist and researcher Leon Windscheid wrote the book What Makes Us Human. The author is sure that in the modern world a person is increasingly relying on reason, while not only ignoring, but also suppressing his feelings. Meanwhile, it is they who make people human, determine our reality, influence our decisions and actions. With the permission of the MIF publishing house, we publish an excerpt from the chapter "Two sides of tsewa" about what self-compassion is.

It's natural for most of us to lend a helping hand when another person stumbles and ends up on the ground. We cheer, highlight his strengths and radiate optimism. Showing compassion to significant people is normal for me. Except for one single person. If he endures failure, I sharply criticize him, not stinting on reproaches. Instead of highlighting his strengths and seeing past successes, I constantly focus on his shortcomings and mistakes. I don't criticize anyone else. Who is this person to whom I am so merciless? I myself. I sometimes observe this behavior in my parents and many other people in my environment. We are ready to help others. But if we ourselves find ourselves on the ground, then we begin to show severity, add fuel to the fire and pour out reproaches in an internal monologue.

The project failed, we didn’t pass the exam, we are going through partings - and right there we become enemies to ourselves. We criticize ourselves for not being fully educated, not fully realizing, not doing enough. We compare ourselves only with those who are better. We notice only those who succeeded, and next to them we feel even worse. Suddenly, the problem is no longer our behavior, but ourselves as individuals. “You can't do anything. You're a loser. Nothing will come of you." Very fast criticism goes beyond its boundaries and, like water from an overturned glass, spreads in all directions. […] Only one project failed, but suddenly it turns out that we have a full figure, and an unprestigious profession, and the relationship is not real.

We know from experience how important it is to be there for friends to help them up when they fail or go through hard times, to at least support them. It would never occur to us to finish off a loved one after a failure.

To a friend in trouble, we will not throw in the face: "Loser!" It is clear to us that this will not help, but only hurt. Why are we so merciless to ourselves?

Why do we treat our failing self differently than a good friend in the same situation? Why is our treatment of ourselves not filled with the same kindness and compassion? The person we know best, whose well-being should be important to us, we trample when he has fallen.

In search of a solution to this paradoxical attitude towards oneself, the concept of tsewa will help. It's a Tibetan word, it means "sympathy." But, unlike the feeling of compassion we know, tsewa has two directions. In the Buddhist culture of Tibet, this concept expressesHis Holiness the Dalai Lama. Understanding Our Fundamental Nature. His Holiness the Dalai Lama. Dialogues, part 1: Fundamental Questions // R. J. Davidson A. Harrington, eds. Visions of Compassion: Western Scientists and Tibetan Buddhists Examine Human Nature. Oxford University Press, 2002 compassion for others and for yourself. In general, tsewa can be translated as "compassion and self-compassion». It is already clear that such a thought in Western culture seems strange. We don't know the word self-compassion. It's not in the dictionary, it sounds artificial, we trip over it.

Why feel sorry for yourself? When we fail, we feel sadness or anger. Why do we need another level at this moment? Feeling for feeling sounds strange. But if we remember fear and the fear of it that causes a panic attack, we will see the same pattern. As with people suffering from depression, who blame themselves for not feeling well, or - for in a positive way - when we feel good in the morning and are happy about it or we are inspired romantic love. Often we evaluate our feelings by evoking new sensations. No matter how alien it may seem to us, we are able to show self-compassion. What is important about this? This is most easily understood by looking at the tsewa side we are familiar with − compassion to others.

Already one year old children tryingZahn‑Waxler C. et al. Development of Concern for Others // Developmental Psychology, 1992 comfort people who are sad. Toddlers who do not yet know how to walk and talk properly feel the need to support another. It is obvious that compassion is one of the basic qualities of Homo sapiens. And it's not about the detached exclamation "Oh, you poor fellow!". It would be pity, subconsciously expressed from top to bottom. This is how we put ourselves above the person we pity and show that we are in a better position.

Compassion means relationships on an equal footing. In Latin, this word sounds like compati, from com - "together" and pati - "to suffer from something." In this it differs from empathy and pity. Compassion goes one step further. Here comes the desire to help! If we sympathize with another, then we worry and seek to comfort him, because we literally suffer with him.

When a loved one fails, we give him our warmth, instill faith and express our willingness to help. Self-compassion - the same feelings, but for yourself.

Psychology professor Christine Neff countsNeff K. Self-compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself. Harper Collins, 2011 pioneer in this field. With the help of the questionnaire developed by her, she for the first time didNeff K. The Development and Validation of a Scale to Measure Self-compassion. Self and Identity, 2003 self-compassion is the object of scientific discussion and began to study it through research. According to her definitionNeff K. Self-compassion. About the power of empathy and kindness to yourself. M.: Mann, Ivanov and Ferber, 2021, self-compassion consists of three components, each of which contains two opposing behaviors.

The first component consists of self-friendliness replacing self-criticism. This requires the ability to deal with own mistakes with understanding, patience and kindness. IN questionnaireHupfeld J., Ruffieux N. Validierung einer deutschen Version der Self-Compassion Scale (SCS‑D) // Zeitschrift für Klinische Psychologie und Psychotherapie, 2011 there is, for example, such a formulation: “I try to treat myself with love when I feel emotionally bad.” Whoever agrees with this treats himself kindly. The one who tends to the phrase "When I suffer, I can be hard on myself" shows self-criticism without self-compassion.

As for the second component, here we are talking about understanding suffering as an experience inherent in human life, and not something that distinguishes a given person from others and sets him apart. In the questionnaire, the phrase “If something doesn’t work out for me, I consider it as part of life that everyone faces” countered this: “If something doesn’t work out for me, I tend to think that the majority is likely to be happier me". For people capable of self-compassion, failure is a normal element of life, well known to all. Personally, on the contrary, I am very familiar with the feeling of loneliness at the moment of defeat.

The last component requires awareness instead of over-identification. mindfulness we have met several times. It's about being willing to accept negative emotions without judging them. And over-identification means a situation when a person inflates a problem and identifies himself with it, losing the whole world out of sight. "If I fail in what is important to me, I try to look at things soberly." If in the questionnaire you express maximum agreement with this paragraph, you will show awareness. “When I feel overwhelmed, most of the time I only pay attention to what I can’t do.” Anyone who thinks like this is trapped in a negative position.

Self-compassion comes when we acknowledge our suffering; when we consider failures as part of our experience, without giving an assessment to the feelings we experience.

Buddhists have always seen a special power in this, and today we are only getting acquainted with this unknown side of tsewa. The first difficult task in this case is the true perception of one's own suffering. It sounds absurd, but more often than not, we are the last to notice how great our suffering is. Our technological world is controlled by the mind, the main thing in it is to direct all forces to maintain control. In case of failure, the analysis mode is automatically launched: “How could this happen? Why with me? How to get out of this situation?

While we analyze, reflect and try to solve a problem, we displacingGermer C. K., Neff K. Cultivating Self-compassion in Trauma Survivors. Mindfulness-Oriented Interventions for Trauma: Integrating Contemplative Practices. American Psychological Association, 2015 emotional wound. “When we feel threatened, we fight, run or freeze. If the threat comes from ourselves, in the form of such negative emotions as shame or anxiety, we react in exactly the same way. attacking oneself is how psychotherapist and Harvard Medical School Associate Professor Christopher describes the process behind it. Germer. “Fighting turns into self-criticism, flight into isolation, and freezing leads to gloomy thoughts.” Self-compassion is just the opposite. By manifesting it, we recognize our own suffering instead of repressing it. However, in reacting to our suffering, shouldn't we be afraid to get caught up in it? And isn't self-compassion suspiciously close to self-pity?

Scientific analysis of conversations with patients suffering from chronic diseases, showedCharmaz K. C. The Social Construction of Self‑pity in the Chronically Ill // Studies in Symbolic Interaction, 1980that self-pity goes hand in hand with thoughts of injustice. "Why me and not others?" IN researchStober J. Self‑pity: Exploring the Links to Personality, Control Beliefs, and Anger // Journal of Personality, 2003 with the participation of 300 German students, it was found that self-pity is closely associated with other negative attitudes, such as hopelessness, closeness and passivity. A person sees himself as a victim of fate in need of sympathy. No wonder self-pity is often considerKröner-Herwig B. Bewertung der Effizienz von Bewältigungsverhalten am Beispiel der Stressverarbeitungsmaßnahmen aus dem SVF // Zeitschrift für Differentielle und Diagnostische Psychologie, 1988 destructive response to problems.

When we contrast our definition of self-compassion with our own definition of self-compassion, the difference becomes clear. In the case of pity, the person becomes the main character of the drama with only one remark: “I feel so bad!” Self-pityers crave attention others who at some point turn away in annoyance, because constructive thoughts are often not allowed and suffering is saved.

Self-compassion means peace. You do not become a participant in the drama, but take the position of a spectator and calmly observe what is happening.

Research showRaes F. Rumination and Worry as Mediators of the Relationship between Self‑compassion and Depression and Anxiety // Personality and Individual Differences, 2010that self-compassionate people don't hide under a blanket of self-pity. They are less likely to indulge in sad thoughts. Let's not forget that compassion is linked to action. Someone who is compassionate wants to help. The willingness to help is just as present in relation to oneself as in relation to others, and this can be proved scientifically. In 2005 Christine Neff held one of the first researchNeff K. et al. Self‑compassion, Achievement Goals, and Coping with Academic Failure // Self and Identity, 2005 in this area.

At the University of Texas, 214 students were asked how they felt shortly after the announcement. ratings; 110 of them reported that they were very unhappy and felt they had failed. Neff kept asking questions and found that everyone who failed but demonstrated in a high level of self-compassion, built a reliable psychological protection. First, they pushed failure out of their minds less, reflected on their results, and were able to get rid of negative thoughts more quickly. “He who demonstrates self-compassion in moments of failure does not need to deny, suppress or avoid anything; Feelings can be acknowledged, accepted, passed through oneself in order to move on, ”explains Neff. Second, self-compassionate people see failure more as a chance to grow from experience, to learn something. Here again, the difference from pity is clearly shown. Failure does not lead to passivity, but acts as an impulse and motivator. And their interest in a course in which they received a poor grade remained higher than that of students prone to self-criticism.

Not only young people benefit from this attitude towards failure. Self-compassion is most important at the end of life. “A colleague of mine was visiting her grandparents and found out that they aged differently,” social psychologist Mark Leary of Duke University tells me. “Grandfather was bitter. His thoughts revolved around what he could no longer do, or the keys that he once again shifted somewhere. He condemned himself to suffering. Grandmother is resigned to old age. Sometimes she felt worse, sometimes better. On bad days, she made a cup of tea, sat on the sofa and watching the birds. She was favorably disposed first of all to herself. This happens often. Some become mental recluses as they age, shutting themselves off from others and staring at the TV in displeasure, while others remain open, kind-hearted and cheerful.

Mark Leary and his team decided to find out if there is a connection with self-compassion. So, the professor conducted a series of studies with the participation of people aged 67–90 years. If the respondents felt good, there was no link between self-compassion and feeling good. It became more interesting in the case of people who suffered from diseases and health problems. Those surveyed with a higher self-compassion score reported better well-being than those with a lower score. Self-compassionate people were more willing accept help, for example in the form of walkers, or agreed to be repeated what they did not catch. Obviously, self-compassion in the elderly is associated with a willingness to accept help. To date, there are about a dozen such studies, the results of which point in approximately the same direction. Feelings of self-compassion in old age connectedBrown L. et al. Self-compassionate Aging: A Systematic Review // The Gerontologist, 2019 with less manifestation of depressive mood and with a greater sense of joy and pleasure in life.

No matter where we are on our journey in life, we can see that self-compassion guides us on a greener path.

Thus, the analysis of conversations with people who have recently experienced a divorce, showsSbarra D. A. When Leaving Your Ex, Love Yourself: Observational Ratings of Self-compassion Predict the Course of Emotional Recovery Following Marital Separation // Psychological Science, 2012that those who were capable of self-compassion recovered more quickly from a breakup than those who were critical or self-pitying about divorce.

During research1. Thompson b. L., WaltzJ. Self‑compassion and PTSD Symptom Severity // Journal of Traumatic Stress: Official Publication of The International Society for Traumatic Stress Studies, 2008
2. Tanaka M. et al. The Linkages Among Childhood Maltreatment, Adolescent Mental Health, and Self‑compassion in Child Welfare Adolescents // Child Abuse & Neglect, 2011
3. Vettese L. C. et al. Does Self-compassion Mitigate the Association between Childhood Maltreatment and Later Emotion Regulation Difficulties? // A Preliminary Investigation. International Journal of Mental Health and Addiction, 2011 involving children and young people who have experienced trauma, scientists have also shown that those who treat themselves with more compassionate, less likely to drink alcohol or attempt suicide, being more open to their negative feelings.

Ancient Buddhist the idea of ​​self-compassion has now been scientifically substantiated and has been combined with successful self-care strategies. overcoming various difficulties, such as stress, living with diabetes, chronic pain, a diagnosis of a serious illness or seizures overeating. Self-indulgence has an extremely positive effect. But what happens to our motivation when we are too self-indulgent? Don't we need self-criticism and toughness to move forward?

Mark Leary - respected and widely known psychologist, who for many years speaks at the best universities in the world and makes a great contribution to the development of science in his field with his research. “I always thought I owe my success to being too hard on myself. Most of us were brought up like this: be inexorable to yourself!” Mark Leary told me. But now his opinion has changed: “I realized that my sharp self-criticism did not lead to any goal. It didn’t help me improve my performance, but rather made me feel worse.” This phrase has been playing in my head for a long time. Leary has achieved everything, he speaks well. His success frees him from having to be hard on himself. But what about a person who is at the beginning of his career or is just building it until he has achieved what he aspires to? After all, we all want to achieve some results, and for this we need momentum instead of softness attributed to age.

When I started doing this topic, my main concern was that my motivation might be reduced by self-compassion. I thought: who wants to achieve something, should always keep himself in tight rein. The horse achieves the record because the rider urges him on. Achievement and success require a willingness to work hard and, if necessary, mercilessly on oneself. Self-compassion is associated with indulgence, not suitable for purposeful people of business.

Most often, people do not show self-compassion for fear of worsening their results.

Christine Neff explains that without constant self-criticism, they worry that they will start to dismiss work, eat a whole carton of ice cream in one sitting, or get stuck in front of the TV. This idea torments many, so let's consider it in more detail. Are self-criticism and rigor really the most important motivators?

Research in self-criticism showZuroff D. C. et al. Dependency, Self-criticism, and Maladjustment // S. J. Blatt et al., eds. Relatedness, Self‑definition, and Mental Representation: Essays in Honor of Sidney J. Blatt. Routledge, 2005that people who are strict with themselves want to achieve a lot. They strive for the so-called achievement goals, big goals, in the achievement of which comparison with others (“I want to be better than others”), and claim to correspond to the highest possible standards. But self-critics often have to pay dearly for this. In the rest, they see, first of all, competitors who must be overtaken in a one-on-one fight. In addition, constant self-criticism overshadowsWhilton W. J., Greenberg L. Emotion in Self-criticism // Personality and Individual Differences, 2005 self perception. People who are prone to self-criticism systematically underestimate their own achievements and competencies. One who does not have an accurate idea of ​​himself cannot know exactly what he needs to work on in order to move forward. Self-critics never feel completely satisfied, they are always not good enough. So it is not surprising that scientists were able to establish a connection with fears and depressive states.

Self-compassion works differently. In a series of experiments conducted at the University of California at Berkeley in 2012 by researchers Juliana Brains and Serena Chen, studiedBreines J. G., Chen S. Self‑compassion Increases Self‑improvement Motivation // Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 2012 impact of self-compassion on motivation students. Participants in the experiment were offered a complex language test; and everyone, regardless of the actual outcome, was reported to have failed. Those who were subsequently asked to treat themselves with self-compassion and indulgence spent 33% more time on studying to prepare for a second, similar test than a control group called upon to think about their strengths sides.

In the next experiment, the new participants had to recall a moment in the past when they felt guilty or were not feeling well at heart. After that, the subjects were divided into three random groups. Participants in the first were asked to write a few short sentences filled with self-compassion and friendliness, in connection with their own oversight. Participants in the second had to write a short text focusing on past successes. The third group, exclusively control, wrote a text about a hobby. It turned out that the participants in the first group, in comparison with both others, had a clearly higher motivation to apologize for your mistakes, reflect on them and never repeat them. To show self-compassion after you have done wrong, to regret what you have done, means to throw a mountain off your shoulders. We get rid of pressure, because we no longer need to be afraid of self-imposed punishment and too harsh criticism. The one who all his life falls upon himself with merciless self-criticism, assuming that in this way he will advance in life, in fact buries his own strength deeper.

The feeling of self-compassion motivates, we give ourselves a more realistic assessment, we do not have to be afraid of our own injections, and the willingness to work on ourselves increases.

This is presumably why the researchers were able to demonstrate1. Terry M. L., Leary M. R. Self‑compassion, Self‑regulation, and Health // Self and Identity, 2011
2. Mantzios M., Egan H. On the Role of Self‑compassion and Self‑kindness in Weight Regulation and Health Behavior Change // Frontiers in Psychology, 2017that self-compassionate people make it easier to quit smoking, lose weight, or get treatment if needed. During experimentMoffit R. L. et al. Comparing the Efficacy of a Brief Self‑esteem and Self‑compassion Intervention for State Body Dissatisfaction and Self-improvement Motivation // Body Image, 2018 Australian women were shown pictures of trained, slim, young models from glossy magazines. Captions under the images read: "This woman is slimmer than me" or "I would like to have the same figure." After reviewing the photographs, some of the women did an exercise to develop the ability to self-compassion: they had to write several positive statements about their weight, appearance and figure. The only thing that was required of the text was to be written in a supportive and compassionate way. As expected, the women in this group accept your body easier than in the control. At the same time, they showed a higher motivation to work on themselves. The feeling of self-compassion, on the one hand, liberated from oppression, and on the other, it gave impetus. Unlike self-compassion, self-criticism drives us forward through fear of punishment. Self-compassion is a greener option. Having survived the blow, we again go into a rage, wanting to feel good. The fear of failure is lessened because mistakes are not only inevitably acknowledged, but they provide an opportunity to learn from them.

For too long Western psychology has overlooked the possibility of applying the Far Eastern idea of ​​tsewa to our advantage. But today we have a fairly stable database, obtained in the course of numerous experiments and research1. Zessin U. et al. The Relationship between Self‑compassion and Well‑being: A Meta‑analysis // Applied Psychology: Health and Well‑Being, 2015
2. MacBeth A., Gumley A. Exploring Compassion: A Meta-analysis of the Association between Self-compassion and Psychopathology // Clinical Psychology Review, 2012
3. Sirois F. M. et al. Self‑compassion, Affect, and Health‑promoting Behaviors // Health Psychology, 2015
4. Ferrari M. et al. Self‑compassion Interventions and Psychosocial Outcomes: A Meta‑analysis of RCTs // Mindfulness, 2019, which again and again show the same result: self-compassion is good for us. However, it is still difficult for many, especially in difficult timesto show mercy and kindness towards oneself.

We are all so used to the voice of self-criticism in our heads that we often don't even notice it. That is why the first thing we should do is listen. Do we hear repeated phrases or mental patterns? Does the voice remind us of some person from the past who was especially strict towards us? Self-compassion is associated with holding back automatic criticism. “It’s not about being too hard on yourself,” Professor Leary explains, “it’s about being less harsh on yourself.” […]

Self-compassion means the ability to restrain criticism that comes automatically. Christine Neff goes further and recommends looking at things positively while avoiding lying to yourself. The voice of criticism does not seek to harm us, it wants the best for us, reminding us that too much ice cream is injurious to health, and losers are not promoted. service.

However, you should not immediately consider yourself "stupid", "fat" or "weak". We are accustomed to show compassion for other people, and this should be our guide.

How do we respond to a friend who shares her worries? What are we going to ask her? What should we pay attention to? And above all, in what tone are we going to talk? These are the questions I ask myself when I notice that the spiral of self-criticism begins to spin in my head again. I try to see myself through my friend's eyes. This change of perspective helps develop friendliness and compassion towards oneself. Christine Neff recommends self-compassion exercises. For example, you can record situations in which we judged ourselves or were excessively strict with ourselves, and formulate benevolent thoughts in response to this. In difficult situations, you can put your palm to your chest in the area of ​​\u200b\u200bthe heart to calm down. This is a classic exercise concentrationwhich helps to restore the harmony of body and soul.

Perhaps we do not need active training in self-compassion. It is enough to observe how we act with ourselves. Sharp, neutral, or maybe even friendly? Mark Leary talks about a certain balance between strictness and benevolence that we can all find for ourselves. “No matter how wonderful our lives are, a lack of self-compassion always stands in the way of happiness,” Leary tells me. “I don’t need to have a high level of self-compassion. I just don't want it to be low. It’s like with health: let it not be perfect, but I don’t want to get sick either. ” Thus, there is no need to constantly call for self-compassion. If everything is fine with us, we don't need it. Thanks to scientific discoveries and primarily to the recommendations of Mark Leary, over time, I experienced changes that can be formulated in one sentence: once on the ground, instead of kicking, I try to be friendly to yourself. At least a little more friendliness than I've shown before. This contributes not only to improving my well-being, but also to my movement forward. […]

With What Makes Us Human, a collection of new research into how the human brain works, you'll learn how to careful attitude to your own and other people's feelings, you will be able to better understand yourself and others and experience more pleasure from life.

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