10 ways to ask for forgiveness that will only make things worse

Sorry is not a magic spell. By itself, it does not heal grievances and does not correct the situation. Therefore, it is not enough just to ask for forgiveness, it is important to do it right. If you really regret and want to improve your relationship, avoid these methods.

1. Shifting responsibility on circumstances

• “Sorry for yelling at you for no reason. It's all Mercury retrograde. "

It is unpleasant to be guilty, so the desire to justify yourself and share responsibility with someone or something is logical and understandable. The abuser has every right to analyze his behavior and understand what caused it.

First, it will help prevent this from happening in the future. Secondly, it will make you feel better. As said Homer Simpson: “You can't constantly blame yourself for something. Blame yourself once and live peacefully on. "

But if someone wants to sincerely apologize and make contact with the person they have offended, they will have to take responsibility. Maybe the boss, the angry dog ​​and the Moon in Capricorn are to blame, but he did or said something unpleasant. And it is for this that you need to ask for forgiveness.

2. Shifting responsibility on the victim

• “Sorry to yell at you. But you always crawl under the arm. "

Any design with a "but" is bad for an apology. This union in this case automatically cancels everything that was said before it. And if further there is a complaint against the victim, it looks like an accusation that he forced him to upset.

Of course, if the target of the offender is "snow white" reputation, then this is a completely working technique. But if he does not want to spoil the relationship with the person, it is better, again, to take responsibility for himself.

3. Emphasize the victim's reaction

• "I'm sorry that you were upset because of my words ..."

And again, unwillingness to take responsibility. There is no regret or empathy on the part of the abuser. But there is an attempt to shift the focus to the reaction of the one to whom he apologizes. It looks very generous: they say, I didn’t do anything special, but since you’re so sensitive and upset, I’ll apologize.

A person's emotions are a reaction to a word or deed. Perhaps they seem excessive to the offender, but the victim already experiences these feelings, and they must be reckoned with.

4. Pull the blanket over yourself

• “Sorry! I am so worried about this, I do not sleep or eat... "

A little more, and the victim himself rushes to ask for forgiveness for having made the offender worry. Surely he will say that nothing terrible has happened, he himself is also to blame and, of course, accepts the apology. Manipulation succeeded, and this is it - there is no smell of apology here.

5. Trying to hush up the conflict

• "Sorry, and let's forget about it."

Apologies don't work like the neutralizer from Men in Black. They do not erase the offense and its consequences. It's one thing when the victim's foot is stepped on - it is usually easy to forget about it. And when the abuser stepped on his foot and broke it before an important sporting event, this case will surely pop up in memory more than once.

And that's okay. One person messed up a lot, although he did not do it on purpose (I would like to think so). And the second can experience a whole gamut of feelings, periodically slipping into anger and despair. So you need to give him time to accept the situation.

6. Try to buy forgiveness

• "Sorry, here's your smartphone."

This only works if the culprit broke the same smartphone before. IN gifts there is nothing wrong, but when it comes to apologies, there is a nuance. It looks like the abuser is not very sorry. Now he will exchange a gift for forgiveness, and then he will continue to do what he did, because an apology is so easy to buy.

7. Devalue the victim's feelings

• “Sorry to break your favorite mug. But this is for luck! And in general she was old. "

An incident that means nothing to one person can be a tragedy for another. And you need to ask for forgiveness in proportion to the damage done.

The abuser may feel like he is helping the victim worry less by reducing the scope of the problem. But it works the same way as the recommendation "just don't worry»To a person who is experiencing - nothing.

8. Apologize for show

• "I'm sorry if that ..."

There is even a special term for this in English - ifpologyifpology, which came out thanks to the merger of the words "if" and "apology". It means that a person asks for forgiveness just like that, not realizing what for and not feeling guilty. But if the victim is suddenly hurt or offended, then he apologized, what is the problem? But there is no sincerity in this approach.

9. To bargain

• "I will ask your forgiveness if you never again ..."

Obviously it doesn't work that way. The offender just has to bring apologiesmaybe insincere. The victim has to do something, and to forgive, and that involves some emotional work. An extremely bad deal.

10. Don't draw conclusions

• "Sorry, I did it again, but I won't."

An apology alone doesn't work if it isn't followed by a behavior change. Their meaning is to make the victim understand that the abuser realized the problem, realized what he did wrong, and in the future he will try to avoid it. Otherwise, the value of an apology will plummet with each new offense.

How to ask for forgiveness: a checklist

• Understand what the problem is and what went wrong. It’s important not to apologize to relieve yourself of responsibility or to improve your mood. The main thing here is the victim's feelings. And therefore it is necessary to understand what exactly he is experiencing.
• Let the person know that you understand their feelings and that you are sorry that you caused them.
• Admit your guilt or wrong, take responsibility for them.
• Express willingness to minimize damage if it occurs. For example, you will not restore your favorite mug inherited from your grandmother, but you may find it on flea market the same.
• Demonstrate the intention to do everything so that the situation does not repeat itself. And this is perhaps the main thing.