How to force the child to obey
A Life / / December 19, 2019
If you want to find the answer to the question "How do you get the child to obey? ", Then hit at longer need to read any articles, including this one. I will answer right now: "Certainly not!"
Making a child can not be heard in any way. Force can only obey, and then not for long.
The famous German psychotherapist, founder of Gestalt Therapy, Fritz Perls (Fritz Perls) argued that there are two possibilities to influence another person: to become "top dog" or "dog bottom." "Top dog" - it is the power, authority, orders, threats, punishment, pressure. "The dog from below" - is flattery, lies, manipulation, sabotage, blackmail, tears. And when these two "dogs" come into confrontation, "bottom dog" always wins. So, if you want your child to listen to you, first of all make it stop. Stop command, lecturing, shame. Here are some tips how to replace these inefficient means.
How to achieve obedience
The first thing to do is to encourage and stimulate any child activity aimed in the right direction. Girl breaks to wash the dishes? Be sure to let, even if her help just hurts. Psychologists have conducted surveys of students from fourth - eighth grade, figuring out whether they do any
housework. It was found that the percentage of children who do not help their parents, the same. But in the fourth - sixth classes many children were unhappy with the fact that they do not trust the domestic affairs! But in the seventh and eighth grades dissatisfied were gone.Founder of the national psychology of Lev Vygotsky developed the universal scheme of education of the child self-fulfillment of daily affairs. At first the child does something with their parents, then the parents paint a clear statement, and then child begins to act completely independently.
Let's say you want your child to carefully things togetherWhen it comes from the street. First step: everything is done together, parents show help. In the second step you need to come up and draw a hint: that, in what order and where you want to add. For example, like this one:
Most children readily follow the clear and obvious instructions. Gradually formed a habit, and the outer tips are unnecessary.
The next great reception - to transform the desired action game or competition. Just clean toys boring and long. Play in the cleaning - is another matter.
The game - the natural need of children, in a playful way, they are ready to take on the most unloved business. The competition is also a great motivator.
Known child psychologist Yuliya Gippenreyter gives the following example. The parents wanted their son doing exercises. Bought equipment, the father made a horizontal bar in the doorway, but the boy was not particularly interesting, and it is by all means shirked. Then mom suggested to his son compete, who will do more pull-ups. Brought a table, hang it next to the horizontal bar. As a result, both began to exercise regularly.
A few words about the widespread practice - paying children for home affairs... In the long run it does not work. Requests the child grows and the volume of work performed is reduced. In one study, students are invited to solve a puzzle. Half of them paid for it, others - no. Those who received the money, were less resistant and quickly stopped trying. Those who worked for fun, spending more time. This again confirms known in psychology rule external motivation (even positive) is less effective than the inner.
How to prohibit
Prohibitions are necessary not only for physical security. Numerous studies have shown that permissiveness a child has a negative impact on the personality and destiny of man. Therefore restrictions should be necessary. But it is very important not to overreact, because their excess is harmful, too. Let's see what counseling psychology.
1. Flexibility
Yuliya Gippenreyter proposes to divide the whole child activity into four zones: green, yellow, orange and red.
- Green Zone - this is what is allowed without any conditions, then that child can choose for myself. For example, what toys to play.
- Yellow zone - allowed, but with the condition. For example, you can go for a walk, if you do the lessons.
- Orange zone - allowed only in exceptional cases. For example, you can not go to bed on time, because today is a holiday.
- Red Zone - this is something that can not, under any circumstances.
2. Consistency and coherence
If some actions are in the red zone, they can not allow the child ever. Suffice it once to give up the slack, and everything: children quickly realize that you can not obey. The same applies to the yellow zone. If a child I did the lessons he must be deprived of walks. Hardness and consistency - the main allies of the parents. Equally important is that the requirements and prohibitions have been agreed between the family members. When my mother forbids eating the candy, and the daddy permits, nothing good will come of it. Children quickly learn to use the differences between adults in their own interests. As a result, neither the Pope nor obedience mom will not succeed.
3. proportionality
Do not ask the impossible and with a cautious approach to the prohibitions could be hard. For example, preschoolers is very difficult (and some impossible) to sit still longer than 20-30 minutes. Forbid them to jump, run and shout in this situation is meaningless. Another example: in three years, the child begins a period when he offers to all the parents refuses. How to deal with it - a separate issue, but phrase "Enough to contradict me!" Will bring nothing but harm. Parents should be aware of the age characteristics of children, to coordinate their bans child opportunities.
4. the right tone
Quiet friendly tone effectively rigor and threats. In one experiment, children wound up in a room with toys. The most attractive was controlled robot. The experimenter told the child that will go, and while it will not, can not play with the robot. In one case, the ban was strict, rigid, with threats of punishment, in the other the teacher spoke softly, without raising his voice. The percentage of children in conflict with the prohibition proved the same. But two weeks later these children were invited back into the same room ...
This time was not forbidden them to play with the robot alone. 14 of the 18 children, which last time were strict, immediately took the robot as soon as the teacher left. A majority of the children from the other groups still have not played with the robot before the arrival of the teacher. That is the difference between submission and obedience.
5. punishment
For non-observance of prohibitions should be punished. The most common rules are:
- It is better to deprive good than to do bad.
- It can not be punished in public.
- Punishment should never be humiliated.
- Should not be punished "for prevention."
- Of physical coercion definitely recommended only hold when you need to stop the raging child. physical punishment better minimized.
6. A bit of disobedience
Absolutely obedient child - it's not the norm. And what experiences your child will receive, if you will at all times follow the instructions and directions? Sometimes a child should be allowed to do something that will harm him. Collision with bad consequences - the best teacher. For example, a child reaching for the candle. If you see this and believe that control of the situation (not near flammable materials), let it touch the flame. This eliminates the lengthy explanation as to why you can not play with fire. Naturally, it should be adequately assess possible damage. Allow your child to put his fingers in the socket - a crime.
Not following the instructions of adults, in violation locked, the children are always trying to achieve something or to avoid. For example, to achieve the attention to themselves or to avoid the traumatic situation. The most important and most difficult task of parents - to understand what is behind the disobedience. And for this it is necessary to listen to the child, it is necessary to talk to him. Unfortunately, magic wands and unicorns do not exist. Can not read the article on Layfhakere and solve all the problems in the relationship with children. But you can at least try.