To what can bring the unit "men do not cry": Personal Story
A Life / / December 19, 2019
Vlad Tislenko
Founder and SEO-experts studio startups Concepter.
Today, I am 30 years old and I celebrate a big event in my life - I beat depression. I'm writing this post because I think it's right to share such stories. In our society, about their personal problems is not to say out loud, the more entrepreneurs with a certain level of publicity. But it is precisely because of these cultural norms, and I found myself in a place where no one would not wish to be.
It all started about four years ago. Having spent half a day on Sunday, I arrived home in the evening, and I abruptly fell ill. So much so that we had to call an ambulance. After the examination, doctors summed up: "You have risen much pressure because of nerves." So suddenly I became hypertensive. After a while I decided to study the issue, passing examinations in two hospitals. In both I have drawn the conclusion that I have everything perfectly with the vessels, and I need to just less nervous. More doctors recommended to deal with the pressure starting to swim, ride a bike or running. "Can all of these sports to engage at once?" - I asked.
After these diagnoses, I myself began to suggest that one should not bathe because of the problems and decided to invest even more time in the triathlon. This suggestion is surprisingly helped but did not solve the problem. About once every 2-4 weeks I still have failures occurred and I always tried to carry a supply of tablets to these cases. In this mode, I lived another two and a half years, until the end of 2017.
In 2017 I took part in two serious competitions endurance. In April - heat 240 kilometers of the Sahara, and in October it was the fourth IRONMAN race for me, which finally repulsed the desire to continue to participate in the many hours of endurance testing. Since I was no longer sporting purposes, the amount of training by the end of 2017 dropped to about one a week.
In 2018 I decided all the time, which was previously spent on training, To invest in jobs. The first six months it is to bear fruit, I started a few new interesting projects and decently increased its turnover in the company. But by the summer it began the most interesting.
Problems with the pressure came back to me with an even greater intensity and frequency. Seizures come in critical moments, such as during interviews and public appearances, or when just watching action movie in the cinema. Realizing this, I began again to drink a sedative, but already ahead of the curve, before the tense tasks. In addition to hypertension, there are new sensations - Wild discomfort in the body before going to bed. I felt very anxious, it became hard to breathe. Such a strange feeling that if I go to sleep, you will never wake up. Going to bed was a torture for me, and to somehow ease this feeling, I started every night before bed drink 100-200 grams of rum.
By the middle of the summer it became more "fun": he began to wake up in the middle of the night screaming.
About once every two days, I had nightmares, and, most worryingly, after they returned the anxiety that kept me awake again. Because of this, I began to sleep less and wake up later. By August of 2018 I started to fall much vigor. Every time I woke up and felt that I had a 10% charge "battery." Now for me it was torture not only sleep, but also get out of bed. To somehow distract yourself and cheer up, I started the day with online games. Pro training there could be no question. I often put on the running form and, before reaching the door just fall onto the couch and lay.
In September because I started to get sick once in two weeks of constant fatigue. For me it was a joy to lie down day at home and not go out. charge level was already 3%, and every day I forced myself through the power to go to work or to meet with friends. In October, among other things, on my two days there was a stop of the digestive system, and it was the second time in my life when I had to call an ambulance to restore normal life. After this strange incident, I went to the gastroenterologist and passed the tests. The doctor has diagnosed with pancreatitis. For me it was strange, because especially harmful eating habits I did not.
In November I was already stable unbearably bad, and I absolutely could not do anything with them. I knew that something was wrong with the nervous system, but could not bring yourself to normal.
The only thing that calms me in the evenings - a documentary film about drug addicts who were in a state of impending doom. These films helped me to look at myself from the outside and once again insist that "I have in fact all is well in life."
While watching these documentaries, I came across a video in which one of the drugs mentioned that it is not harmful, does not cause addiction and can help a person deal with their mental problems.
I was curious to try it out for yourself. Although drugs for life treated with caution, I began to think that it will help me deal with my strange mental condition. But during the reception I felt that I had lost control of his thoughts, and it was a very unpleasant feeling. Actually, I do not recommend to repeat the experience.
But no matter how negative it is, in my thinking, there was one small change. I realized that I do not know what I do not know. This understanding brought back long forgotten natural curiosity, and I became a very frequently asked question "Why?". So, the question I brought to the decision to make an appointment with a therapist. But unfortunately, the first session is constantly postponed, and I went back to old problems.
In early December, after a transfer of the first visit to a psychologist, I went home and took a very unusual study. I was devastated by the state, and I realized I could no longer endure. I do not see any sense to suffer from life, push yourself every day to go to bed, get out of bed, go to work, to communicate with people. The pain of the idea of my existence was so strong that I started looking for a suitable method suicide. I with characteristic I scientific approach began to study suicides, to understand the methods that have the highest probability of death. Then I began to analyze which of these methods is suitable to my character. Having dealt with this task, I finally experienced a strange pleasure from the fact that he had found a way out.
But closing the laptop, I looked at myself and ask questions. Why did I come to this decision? Maybe the reason is - depression, because it is because of it people visit suicidal thoughts? Two days later, I finally got an appointment with a therapist and go asking these two questions.
After the first session I realized that for a long time in a state of severe depression.
All these years, I did not want to understand this, because being depressed - is "not a man". And I was taught to be strong and self-manage their weaknesses.
After the first session I started to learn how to depression can occur in humans, and for the first time learned that Psychosomatics - a scientific concept. In the "Wikipedia" I read: "The patient is observed motley picture indefinite complaints that may affect cardiovascular system, gastrointestinal tract, musculoskeletal system, respiratory and urogenital system. " "Well, at least the genitourinary system is not affected," - I was delighted. All the diseases that I described above, there is due to failures of my nervous system.
In December I continued sessions with a psychologist and almost every day for two hours doing analysis of his personality on bricks. I realized that many behavioral patterns are drawn from childhood. I realized that the imagined himself is not the person who is. I realized that within me there is a lot of qualities that hard to admit to myself, envy, excessive egoism, hatred. This is how to find the house cellar, which never came, and see there the mirror, covered with years of dust behind which is not visible reflection. So that the image in the mirror cleared, you start to blow off the dust, but it hits you in the eye.
By the end of 2018, I began to prepare for the long trip to the US for work. It helped me to get rid of old things that brought me back to old habits. So, I decided sell my car, Drove hundreds of kilograms of clothes to a thrift store and gave the keys to the apartment to his brother.
In early January 2019, after working week in Las Vegas, I finally settled in San Francisco. But instead of rejoicing California, I once again felt psychosomatic symptoms. Moreover, to the old palette disease was added to the problem of the genitourinary system - now I have collected almost complete set of health problems that can affect the brain. At this time I already knew that was happening to me. I made it a rule every day to give at least four hours in which to continue to assort themselves into atoms and fight depression without the help of a psychologist.
I started experimenting with healthy habits. First I regained run and noticed that he had a very positive effect on my mood. A little later I read that at the time of blood from the brain exercise goes to the muscles, which helps to switch and forget about their problems. After I decided to see how much time I spend on the phone and found that more than eight hours a week I spend on online games - ubivalki time. I immediately removed them all. It was significantly more free time, and I began to spend on regular calls to loved ones and listen to audiobooks. Then I noticed that a lot of attention is paid to social networks. First, reduce the consumption of content, and then changed, and the content itself, by unsubscribing from the profiles that make me dopamine traps.
But the most important habit came to me later. In San Francisco, I began increasingly to meet people who practice meditation. One evening I was talking to a taxi driver who finally convinced me to try. I downloaded the popular app, tried to follow the guide and a couple of minutes either do not think about anything. To my surprise, it turned out that this is an impossible task for me. It would seem that difficult to just sit down, close your eyes and neither think of anything? But after each meditation session, I began to notice that my mood has stabilized and there are fresh and original ideas. I began to gradually increase the time of practice - from 10 to 40 minutes a day.
Meditation has helped me come to one important thing, which I did not understand before. I realized that a person is able to keep in mind only one idea per unit of time and he can decide what is to be thought. I realized that I did not think about their problems endlessly afford absolutely any, and including myself. February 18 (even recorded this date), I was able to take control of the thoughts and never allow problems to dictate my actions and my mood.
Since that day, I very quickly went on the mend. Most health problems have sunk into oblivion, energy is back to the previous level. I continued to inculcate healthy habits yourself, taking up a diet. I decided to lose fatWhich has accumulated over half a year without sport, removing from your diet dinner. So I became a daily basis to introduce a small calorie deficit. Since the weights in my accommodation there, began to record the results on the camera, and it looks like I still managed to "cut" a couple of centimeters from the sides during the last month.
Then I He refused to alcohol, Allowing yourself to no more than a glass of wine during a party. Now I do not see any reason to drink, because I do not need longer to settle down and enjoy life now getting without external stimulants. In addition to alcohol, it began as a conscious approach to other actions and desires. It has become much more appreciate the people around me and just live in the moment in which I was.
I also finally figured out for yourself, what is happiness. I used to think that it is in the outside world, in the results. What if you reach some new tops, it will get the most happiness. But, as the experience of conquering the peaks, you only get a set of hormones that in the short term raise your self-esteem.
Happiness within. When you accept yourself, trust yourself, appreciate yourself. In this world and the world in itself.
Now I look at this story with depression as one of the best things that have happened in my life. Because people, unfortunately, are arranged so that the most valuable lessons carried out of the problems. Because of this, I have ceased to treat problems as something bad, because if you learn from them, it gives us the ability to quickly learn and make better solutions. Probably, if I had not reached the bottom of this, I would be more difficult to float up, no rebounding.
Now I have found a new hobby - awareness. I want to clarify that I did not adhere to religious movements associated with meditation. I remain agnostic and simply see it as a hobby of great benefit not only for themselves, but also, perhaps, to others. Having experienced the effects that gives the meditation, I began to study the phenomenon from a scientific point of view. A number of scientists have found that meditation not only helps to combat depression, but improves ability of the brain. Even a few weeks short of practices have a positive effect on memory, concentration, creativity and cognitive flexibility.
I've fought a lot of their fears and decided to fully open up to others and share their observations. The first observation you just have read. Why do I write all this in public? My answer is - because I believe that someone reading this story can partly see it yourself on the path to depression. I hope someone can help me experience another look at the installation of "men do not cry." And these people will now have an example of a man who has got this position at all there.
On the day of release of the depression of me! That more and coincided with the anniversary.
P. S. Thanks to everyone who supported me along the way. If not for loved ones, I would have been much harder to cope with the illness. During the depression, I often behaved incorrectly and some others too psychologically got away from me. So I want to to apologize to those who might hurt depressive leader, partner, friend, son, brother.
see also🧐
- How to be a good friend for a man in depression
- 8 reasons to make awareness a habit
- As meditation 2 months can change your life: personal experience