5 ways to develop emotional intelligence
Motivation / / December 19, 2019
Mark Manson
Writer, blogger, entrepreneur and author of "Fine art pofigizma".
Being an astronaut, probably the most difficult job in the world. From the large number of candidates for NASA selects only the best. To go into space, you have to have great skill and deep knowledge in the field of science and technology. And yet - be an experienced pilot, swoops at least a thousand hours, and be in good physical shape. And most importantly, you have to be smart.
Lisa Nowak met all these requirements. She had a master's degree in aeronautical engineering and studied astrophysics at the US Naval Academy. More than five years, women perform air missions in the Pacific Ocean for the US Navy. And in 1996, he was one of the lucky few who are chosen in the squad astronauts.
Obviously, Lisa Nowak was outstanding and also very intelligent woman. But when she learned in 2007 that her boyfriend (Bill Ofeleyn, also an astronaut, by the way) twisted affair with another... Lisa sat in the car and drove from his home in Houston Orladno, one and a half thousand kilometers to deal with rival.
This way Lisa broke for 15 hours, and not to waste time on unnecessary stop, she put a diaper. With Novak picked a pepper spray, belts and bags for garbage. She was going to kidnap the hateful razluchnitsa, but during an attack on a woman Lisa was arrested by police.
What is emotional intelligence
The concept of emotional intelligence psychologists More developed in the '80s, trying to explain why smart people (like Lisa Nowak) sometimes make very, very stupid things. It is believed that general intelligence (IQ) affects the ability to handle information and to make informed decisions, and emotional intelligence (EQ) is responsible for the recognition of emotions and management - both their own and other people's.
Some people can be incredibly high IQ, but low EQ.
Example - a talented scientist who can create a new Theory of Everything, but is not able to choose socks to match clothing or wash time. But there is the opposite situation: the presence of high EQ a low level of general intelligence. For example, a street vendor who does not know how to write without mistakes, can easily convince you that you just have to buy this completely unnecessary shirt.
Some psychologists, such as Daniel GolemanArgue that EQ even more important than general intelligence. And fortunately, it can be pumped - as well as to increase IQ.
How to develop emotional intelligence
1. Practice self-awareness
You can not get better as long as long as you do not clearly understand what are your feelings. If you do not have enough self-awareness to try to control them - is like to swim in a boat without sails. To raise their awarenessYou need to focus on these things.
Be aware of what you are doing. You may say, "What nonsense, I already know what I was doing at any given moment." But in fact, quite often we do not think about, which takes our time. We like on autopilot check e-mail, communicating in instant messengers, scrolling Instagram, we watch the YouTube, again, check email, and so the circle. And yet we distract video games, TV with his stupid soap operas, debates with strangers on the internet ...
Eliminating distractions from your life - this is the first step to increase awareness.
To begin, try turning off your smartphone, and communicate with others in the real world. Set aside a special time each day to get rid of all the excess. Try it in the morning to do without music and podcasts - just reflect on your life and how you feel. Take the 10 minutes and meditate. Remove the phone social media for a week. And you will be pleasantly surprised at how much you have changed.
Realize that you are feeling. All distractions help you avoid a lot of unpleasant emotions. Therefore, when you refuse them, and begin to make their emotions as they are, these feelings may initially scare you. You may suddenly realize that behind the mask of normality you actually quite depressed, or, for example, behave too angry. And understand that dependence on gadgets just a way to distract from the disturbing feelings.
At this stage it is important not to judge yourself for arising emotions. You will constantly be tempted to say, "What kind of garbage is happening to me!" But it will only aggravate the situation. Whatever emotions you went, they have a reason, even if you do not remember how it all began. So do not be too hard on yourself.
Be aware of your weaknesses. Once you accept all the unpleasant and uncomfortable emotions that experience, you will begin to understand their weaknesses.
For example, I am very offended when I interrupt the conversation. I take it as a personal insult and because becoming very rough. This is my weakness. And just realizing it, I will be able to respond properly to it.
However, simply being aware is not enough - you need to know more and manage their emotions.
2. Direct the emotions in the right direction
People who believe that the emotions - the main thing in life, often looking for ways to to control them. But you know what? It is impossible to control emotions. You can only respond to them.
There are no "good" or "bad" emotions. There is only "good" and "bad" reaction to them. For example, anger can be destructive emotion if you point it out to hurt themselves or others. But he is capable of, and benefit, if you apply it to correct an injustice, or to protect ourselves or others.
Joy - it's a great feeling when you happen something good and you share it with your loved ones. But it is destructive and, if derives from causing someone harm.
Learn to recognize what you are feeling, to decide whether the situation fits the emotion, and act accordingly. This is what psychologists call "purposeful behavior."
3. Learn to motivate yourself
Most people try to first find inspiration or motivationTo then take some important steps that will change their lives. They believe that, as soon as will choose the correct method, they will light up, and they will take up a job, training or work. However, the following week ends fuse and everything goes back to square one.
Therefore, you should use another method. When you need to motivate yourself, just start doing anything.
Action - is not so much a consequence of motivation as the reason.
No strength to get started? Sketch to-do list, Make a plan, follow the shallowest point - do not have time to look, how to make a half scheduled. There is no incentive to go to the gym? Purchase a trial subscription on month, to "just look" - and you will not notice how you will tighten.
No need to wait until there persistent motivation. First, do something, and then the desire to continue appears. Take care how you feel before, during and after the action, and use these emotions.
Note that you will not always motivate "good" feelings. You can start to get upset, annoyed or worried, if not immediately reach the result. Take these emotions into a stimulus and just continue to operate. In the end, the sweetest victory - one which you have achieved against the odds.
4. Accept others' emotions
The previous steps have focused exclusively on your own emotions. But the main goal is the development of emotional intelligence that he must help to build healthy relationships with others.
Any healthy relationship - romantic, Family, friendships - begin with recognition and respect for the emotional needs of each other. This can be achieved by just listening to others and empathize them.
Sympathize with someone does not necessarily mean completely understand it. Learn to accept and appreciate the close people for what they have, even if you do not understand them.
5. Fill your emotions right values
When in the late 90's there was a book of Daniel Coleman's "Emotional Intelligence: Why it is more important than IQ», the concept of EQ has become incredibly popular. Executives and managers read clever books, and went on in his development of training to learn to motivate subordinates. Psychologists have tried to instill in my patients a high EQ, to help them cope with the problems. parents are encouraged from little up develop emotional intelligence in their offspring, to prepare them for adult life.
However, many authors of books on the EQ overlooked one important detail: the emotional intelligence is meaningless without targeting the right values.
Some magnate may have high emotional intelligence - it is necessary to manage the corporation and employees. However, if this operator exploits the poor people or destroys the ecology of the planet, how can you call it a virtue EQ?
Parents are able to develop in their children emotional intelligence. But if you do not inculcate honesty and respect, they can turn into a ruthless and deceitful small assholes - but emotionally intelligent!
Do cheaters well developed EQ, and they are well aware of the behavior of others. But in the end they use their abilities to manipulate people and enrich themselves at the expense of others.
Hitler I had very high EQ, was an excellent speaker and a manager. And look what he mangled wood, because it was guided by the monstrous false values.
Therefore, in order to live a full life, you must first understand what is really important to you. Choose the right targets - honesty, compassion and respect for themselves and others - and send their emotional energy on these values. In the end, the ability to determine the correct personal priorities - the most important feature of emotionally intelligent people.
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see also🧐
- How do you know that you have a low level of emotional intelligence, and what to do
- 13 books on psychology that will help to better understand other people
- Why do we look at the world of self-centered