The paradox of passion: why in relationships one partner always loves
Relations Books / / December 19, 2019
What is the problem?
People who are in a relationship, often fall into the trap of passion. It occurs when one partner is emotionally invested in a relationship more than the other. And the relationship is reversed: the more love first partner, the less - second.
More in love partner is in a position of weakness, and less loving - strong.
On why the disturbed harmony in relationships, says clinical psychologist and author of the bestseller "passion paradox"Dean Delis. His theory he created on the basis of personal experience and clinical practice, examples of which he devotes a considerable number of pages of the book.
Why one partner becomes strong and the other weak?
One of the partners takes the position of the weak when the fear of rejection. Usually in the beginning of the relationship, both are experiencing such feelings. But weaker tried hard to please: preen, give expensive gifts, arrange surprises, eager to please, are actively interested in all that interested partner. Their goal - to get emotional power over the second half.
And if they succeed, then the roles are reversed: a strong partner falls in love more and he becomes weak. And the one who was initially weak, is becoming stronger, since no one has to win and his passion begins to fade. As a typical example of the paradox of passion the author gives the relationship of Anna Karenina and Vronsky.
As noted by Dean Delis, passion trap can occur at any stage of the development of relations, when one partner becomes dependent, and the second starts to irritate and repel like it behavior.
Do all respects arises trap of passion?
Relationships are not static but dynamic. They are constantly changing, so the risk of falling into the trap there. first impressions of love the same people: an excited state and "loss of head".
The man is in the euphoria and the fear of rejection - the main reason for the obsession and jealousy. As long as one is not convinced of the love partner, he feels powerless, it ignites a passion, he said minutes between appointments and draws attention to the slightest nuances of behavior.
A declaration of love - a very risky move, and it dare, when your partner will submit a number of encouraging hints. When he responded to the recognition and both partners are confident in each other's love, come harmonious relationship.
Why is there disharmony?
The reality is far from the fairy tales. Frequent companion romantic attachment becomes a fear of rejection. This fear is fueled by disharmony in the relationship, which can occur for various reasons.
The imbalance occurs when one of the partners is more attractive to the other: more attractive, cheerful, confident, erudite, successful, talented, young, rich.
The second factor, which refers to the author - situational disharmony, when there are differences in the way of life of husband and wife (for example, birth of a child). And one more reason - the disharmony of the individual characteristics, where one partner is more restrained, and the second - a spunky.
This is the factors that lead to the trap. Since we are all different, and our life is unpredictable, the emergence of passion in a relationship trap is quite likely event.
What distinguishes the strong side in a relationship?
Strong decide whether to continue the relationship. Weak rarely go first - only if the strong force them to psychological pressure.
But, as the author notes, the strong does not mean manipulator or a scoundrel. Often a strong wish that the relationship is going well. They feel guilt, despair, confusion, self-doubt. They do not understand why their sense of cool. And often mask cooling excuses. The decay of the strong feelings may cause deterioration of appearance and intelligence of weak or inadequate partner views.
But it happens that strong physically and psychologically weak mocks. This is a frequent theme of many works of literature and film. In addition, the strong point in the relationship is subject to what the author calls "the syndrome of obligations and uncertainty."
What is expressed commitment and uncertainty syndrome?
The mild form of the syndrome is expressed in a strong reluctance to be bound by marriage. Often forte offers weak to live together, to delay the time of the decision. The novelty of the situation can give impetus to relations, but soon the honeymoon is over and the uncertainty of returns.
Sometimes relationships Income before marriage, but on the horizon is constantly looming divorce. A strong partner will weigh the pros and cons of marriage and constantly rush. He can go on treasonAnd then invite your partner for a while to live separately. At the same time strong point all the blame takes over, convincing weak that it would be better for everyone.
As the author writes, the attempt to live separately leads to the scenario: forte create a successful marriage with a new partner; strength becomes weak with a new partner, relationships are crumbling and poor strength trying to revert to the old attitude. There is another option, when the strong side of the mosque and a former partner after parting becomes desirable. After returning to the old partner wish to become new.
Do people always play only one role in a relationship?
Not. After the end of the relationship with the weak strong danger to become so. Being in a relationship strong about anything not to worry. But if he will win a new partner, he will make mistakes, typical of a weak hand. As a result of this unpleasant experience, he may attempt to return to its weakest partner.
Usually weak for a long time waiting for a strong back. And if it comes back in a couple comes a second honeymoon and side equalized.
But a strong commitment can re-emerge and uncertainty syndrome. As the author notes, at this stage, the pair would do well to visit a therapist.
After separation, the strong can make peace and take its weak partner with all the disadvantages, as more important than comfort, reliability and friendly relations.
What is important to know about the weak partner?
More and more falling in love with a partner, a weak partner exaggerates the virtues of a strong and does not attach importance disadvantages. He can not long ignore the alarming bells. Of course, he eventually begins to notice that your partner loves it is not as hard as it is, but weak trying to make a difference for themselves familiar way - even more pleasing. His efforts to bring the opposite effect. As the author notes, the right actions, on the contrary, is to relax and be natural.
Sooner or later, a faint realizes that his works do not bring the desired result, and becomes angry.
But fearing the wrath of push partner, weak constantly suppress their negative emotions. Soon indignation may go into hostility and hatred. Rage and helplessness may also be the cause of excessive jealousy.
In the struggle for the attention of a partner are weak at all. Some use strangers to get very jealous. For others the idea to have a baby, to bind to a partner. Still others lose patience and pick up on the partner's hand.
What happens to the weak when the relationship ends?
At the end of a weak relationship he feels as if his whole world collapsed. He projects his feelings on the outside world, she finds refuge in sad movies and music, feels a kindred spirit in any man who understands him.
Filling the void normal daily activities helps to restore weak rejected. Also often fill the void of spirituality and charity, shopping, mindless absorption of food or, on the contrary, fasting, alcohol, drugs.
Effective way to fill the void - the reception, "I'll prove it."
As the author notes, he was the cause of a large number of very successful careers. Faint hope that if they reach the heights in your work and get a certain social status, then make the strong regret leaving.
There are those who seek to cruel retribution. Causing pain abuser becomes the sole purpose of the weak. They are spreading dirty rumors to discredit at work, terrorizing by phone, using children - make life unbearable former partner. Sometimes emotional breakdown leads to suicide attempts. But often it is a dive to the bottom allows you to push off and begin to live again.
It turns out, we can not say that relations misbehaves only strong? Too weak to blame?
Yes. the author went to the sessions psychotherapy in the role of a strong and a weak partner and I realized that usually a strong feel bad and weak sympathy, because he wants to improve relations and get closer. But the closer - the most difficult job is to strong. The author believes that alienate a partner such as the victim of the dynamics of relations, as well as his other half.
Work and I should both partners, not just strong.
We need to change the unbalanced relationship dynamics: the weak have become more independent and attractive, to awaken the dormant feelings strong. But the author insists that it is not necessary to save the Union at any cost. Some relationships are not worth to revive.
How to improve the relationship?
The key to good relations - good communication. Silence or constant bickering to partner does not bring. Anger, criticism, resentment, demands further alienate people from one another.
To reduce to a minimum the resentment, you must drop the charges. Pre-analyze what you want to say. You can advance to rehearse some of the replicas.
Not pushed in finding out who started first, leave aside the question of love. Because you get a dishonest answer, or one that you do not like. The discussion will be more effective if you stop worrying, as someone who loves. Discuss negative emotions, empathize with each other. Joke to defuse the situation. Make a plan of action in different situations.
What specifically needs to be done to the weak?
Seek support from friends and family members; be kind to yourself and do not lose touch with reality, saying something like "I will never marry, and always lonely," "With me is uninteresting," "I'm too fat / high / bald / old."
Set a reasonable distance, please stop and change your partner. You need to change yourself, try to change the other - a futile exercise. Make an inventory of their talents and develop strengths.
What exactly do you need to do much?
Take their feelings leadership for granted and do not engage in self-flagellation. To get rid of feelings of guilt, anger management, try to look objectively at the partner. Use strategy to close the trial as opposed SAMPLE parting to weak gained the confidence and control of emotions and strong could evaluate whether he could be closer to your partner.
Share trivia, consider the signs of love, of particular relevance for the partner. Talk about feelings and fears. Spending time with your partner is not quantitative but qualitative. Do not put conditions and be patient.
And if nothing comes out?
Even if you work hard on a relationship and go to the experts, it is not always possible to revive the relationship. If you have come to the conclusion that the divorce or parting inevitable, the author advises to do so with confidence for their own happiness and the happiness of your partner. If a family has children, do not use them as allies, do not blame the partner when the children do not make them parties to a conflict.
Should I read this book?
If you feel that your relationship is skewed, read this book. It will not only much food for thought, but also specific advice to improve relations. It is full of examples of the author's practice and with a detailed step by step description of how costs behave and how not to.
If your family has teenage children, it is recommended to give them to read this book, so that they can avoid silly mistakes in the future. The piece is written in simple language, with examples and repeats the basic idea. It was first published back in 1990 and has earned a lot of positive feedback from readers.
Review of the book "The Paradox of passion" Dean Delis prepared by a team of service key insights from the literature on business and self-development MakeRight.ru. More than 300 materials in the library, audio versions, the key ideas of bestsellers that have not yet been published in Russian.