Why did we choose the wrong people and build a bad relationship

Most people recognize that the ideal relationship, each partner takes care and attention, treat others with warmth and understanding. However, not everyone can build a relationship. And often, instead of warmth and acceptance they are indifferent or even fear.

Besides the change of partner does not provide visible improvements. People change, and the type of relationship remains the same. It's not that you are totally out of luck - to blame the features of our brain.

How the brain uses past experience

Our brain - a very energy-intensive body. On analysis of the information takes a lot of time and resources of the body. And in order to reduce energy losses, all the new stimuli are processed with the use of past experience.

This feature has helped our ancestors to think faster and survive in dangerous situations. If yesterday stirring the bushes were a sign of a predator, today people will not think twice before dropping their heels.

Communicate new information with previous experience there is non-stop, and works in all areas of life, including communication.

For example, if you asked a question to the strangerAnd he was rude to you, the next time you're cautious approach to new people. If it happens again, you better get lost and stay the night in the street, than again ask for directions from a passerby.

This rule works for any age, but in my childhood, when the brain is extremely plastic and new neural connections are particularly fast, experience and affection is of paramount importance. Therefore, therapists frequently refer specifically to children's experience: there are hidden causes of many problems with the relationship.

Children's attachment type is transferred to the adult relationship

In early childhood, when the child is not yet able to search for food and to defend himself, he especially needs a man who will take care of him. As a rule, they become a parent.

If an adult is always there, satisfies all the needs of the child and gives him a sense of security, formed a secure attachment style. If the child's needs are not satisfied, for example leave it alone, do not take your hands, do not give of what he needs, he develops a restless type affection.

In one experiment,Adult Attachment Theory and Research We investigated the reaction-year-olds to be separated from their parents. Kids for a while left alone and observed their behavior. The children were divided into three groups according to attachment type:

• Safe (60% of children). These children experienced when the parents have not seen, but as soon as they returned, joyfully responded to their appearance and quickly calmed down.
• Restless-resistant (20%). Children ran into a lot of stress, and when the parents come back for a long time could not calm down, in conflict with adults, punishing them for their absence.
• Worryingly, avoiding (20%). These children did not seem to notice the absence of parents. They are distracted by objects in the room and not particularly happy when the adults returned.

In another experiment,Romantic love conceptualized as an attachment process found that the type of attachment there and in adults. Participants are given three simple descriptions and asked to determine what is more suitable to them,

1. I find it easy enough to associate with others. I feel comfortable, if you depend on them, and they - from me. I'm not worried that someone got too close to me, and I'm not afraid that he might betray me.
2. I feel uncomfortable with the closeness with other people. I find it difficult to trust them completely, difficult to afford to depend on them. I get nervous when someone gets too close. Often others want me to be closer to them than it is comfortable for me.
3. It seems to me that people are reluctant to come together with me. All the time I worry that my partner does not love me really, or no longer wants to stay with me. I want full intimacy with your partner, and sometimes it scares people.

The researchers found that the answers are distributed about the same as that of the children:

• 60% of people have a secure attachment style (answer 1).
• About 20% - restless-avoidant (response 2).
• About 20% - restless-resistant (answer 3).

This suggests that the children's attachment style carries over to adult relationships. Working model - whether it be avoidance of closeness as a defense mechanism against injury or over-reliance on the partner and the fear of losing it - is fixed in the mind and affect his future life.

Of course, each person is different and does not fully conform to any particular group. Scientists have deduced two criteria by which to judge the quality of attachment:

1. Associated with attachment anxiety.
2. Associated with attachment avoidance.

Check your scores on these criteria can be This questionnaire.

The less anxiety and avoidance, the more people will build stronger relationships and get more satisfaction from them. High scores of anxiety make him constantly worry about whether his partner likes to be afraid of parting, suspicion and jealous. High avoidance rating will prevent a person to allow to approach closer partner and let him take care of himself.

However, this does not mean that children experience completely defines your relationship.

The experiment showed that the correlation coefficient between the type of attachment to the parent and partners is from 0.20 to 0.50 (0 - no communication, 1 - maximum link). That there is a connection or a small or medium.

Parents, of course, are very important, but in fact in the process of growing, you are dealing with a lot of other people, and they, too, contribute.

You use the familiar model of relations, even if they are bad

Your relationship with the people affected by not only parents, but also other important people: the brother or sister, a friend, a teacher, a neighbor. If you are experiencing emotional intimacy with someone, it changes your brain. new links appear in the neural networks on how to behave, what is expected of you, what would be the consequences of certain actions.

We can say that every significant person changes your personality, creating a new image, which will then be used to communicate with a completely new people. This concept is the basis of interpersonal cognitive theoryExperiments on transference in interpersonal relations: Implications for treatment.

When you see a new man, he, consciously or not, is recognized like one of your important people. You can find a match on any grounds: gender, age, shape, manner of communication, smell. And even then, he screws up his eyes when he smiles and straightens hair.

If you have identified it with one of its important people on the transfer: automatically turns on a set of templates, how to deal with it, what to expect, how to distribute the roles in a relationship.

However, in spite of your inner feelings, a person can not completely meet the expectations. Let's say you have recognized the new partner of his father. Subconsciously, you expect that it will take care of you, for example, to walk with you on the weekends in the park. At the same time your partner can not stand to walk and not really caring. This will cause discord, provoke quarrels and frustration.

At the same time such a transfer makes people over the years suffer from depressive relations. For example, if a close relative or partner of the first man was a cruel, indifferent or helpless met stranger, have similar qualities, a person may unconsciously make the transfer and form attachment.

Moreover, the interaction with him every time ready to conduct the template will be applied automatically. If it includes, for example, submission, and the absence of complaints, with new friends you will behave in the same way.

How to retrain the brain and deal with negative patterns

First of all, it needs awareness. To get rid of the template, you must first find them and track on for life. Here are a few tips on how to do it.

1. Briefly describe all the important people in their lives and their pattern of behavior with them. Consider whether there is correspondence between them and those who are close to you now. Evaluate how you behave with those people, whether you like your behavior.
2. Ask directly what is waiting for you to close people. Perhaps you unconsciously ascribe to him the expectations learned while interacting with another important character.
3. If people close to you repeated any negative patterns, remember what a significant person in your life had a similar behavior. If you find a parallel, you may need to help the therapist to get rid of unwanted plants and build healthy relationships.

Remember: if you are not satisfied with the relationship, you can always change them. But it is unlikely you'll have to change the person with whom you are trying to build them.