Psychotherapist and writer. He specializes in family therapy and treatment of co-dependent relationships with alcoholics and drug addicts. The author of four books.
In the book "Women who love too much" Robin Norwood notes, many women obsessed with the idea of love. But they take it for anything other than actual feelings destructive passion, addiction, dependence on partner.
These women choose indifferent and dangerous menThat they "punish" or problem that need to be saved forever. They go with the head in a relationship, and even understanding harmfulness of such bonds can not break it.
According to the author, the main cause of the problem - the wrong model of relations obtained in childhood.
If the girl had learned a destructive model, further destructive relationship, she will be seen as the norm. Harmonious union, on the contrary, it considers boring, because there will not be familiar to her passions.
The love trap a woman can get a avid intervals. To break the vicious circle, Robin Norwood offers a program of 10 steps.
1. Ask for help
The first thing to realize that you yourself can not cope with the problem, and ask for help. This step involves different steps: the selection of appropriate books, talking Hotline psychological support, recording a therapist or even call the police. At the same recourse, as well as other steps, requires no break existing relationships.
2. Make recovery a top priority
that achieve successIt is necessary to concentrate all their efforts on solving the problem. For this, be willing to donate time and money to educate ourselves, to give up alcohol and drugs at the time of therapy. From now on, your transformation is more important than meeting a man, its possible negative reaction, your desire someone's approval or the desire to unwind, that is to forget about the problem.
3. Become a mutual group
Communication with people who are similar to your problem, it is necessary. You feel that you are not alone, a new vzglyanote on their difficulties and perhaps remember the forgotten events and feelings. In addition, start taking others with their shortcomings, you will become more tolerant and to themselves.
Ideally, the group should be chosen depending on your problem. There are groups of anonymous alcoholics and drug addicts; association for those who have been in a relationship with alcoholates or drug addicts; group for victims of violence and incest. Also you can create your own association or to come to a meeting that does not quite match your problem.
4. Develop spirituality of everyday practice
Spiritual development does not necessarily mean caring religion. In this case, you need to understand what brings you peace of mind. It can be a slow walk, the contemplation of nature or drawing.
This daily exercise you need to listen to ourselves and see the world from a new angle.
5. Give up control and management over a man
Controlling another and solving for it, you take responsibility for someone else's life. And besides expend the energy that could be spent on themselves. From now on, you are giving the right partner to be responsible for their choices, and himself - for his. Also, do not try to praise and encourage him - it can be hidden manipulation.
6. Stop to get involved in "games"
"Games" Robin Norwood implies stereotypical relationships that occur in the psychological triangle Karpman. In it, there are three roles: the savior, persecutor and victim, - each of which alternately act out both partners. Your task - to stop responding to the manifestations of a particular behavioral model and get out of the triangle. Each time, it will make everything easier.
7. Look at their problems and shortcomings
Women suffering from love addiction, tend to blame their misfortunes of others. At this stage, you need to take responsibility for their mistakes (and at the same time - the possibility of free choice).
To do this, make a list of Norwood advises the most problematic areas of your life. Then to describe the problem in detail, your shortcomings, flaws, feelings. It may take a lot of time and notebooks. When the work is finished, read the text and understand the person closest (but not your partner). It should not advise or encourage you - just listen.
8. Develop personal needs
You need to decide what you want, and begin to implement it in life. Do not count on the support of a partner - only on themselves.
The new work, education, travel? It's time to do what you do so long ago set aside.
Robin Norwood notes that the dependence of women is difficult to understand their desires. In this case, she advises:
- Each week try a new activity.
- Every day do two bad things. For example, to refuse someone or return defective goods to the store.
- Every day, do yourself a gift. Let it be a small trinket - the main thing that you like it.
9. become selfish
selfishness We need to reject martyrdom. Now, you should always put your desires, work and plans in the first place. You must demand that relations were comfortable for you, rather than trying to adapt to the uncomfortable.
In this case, you must also give others the right to sell their own needs. Thus, you will feel the value of their lives, take responsibility for it and will not try to fix someone else's.
10. To share their feelings and experiences with others
The last step you need to do when you feel that you completely get rid of the addiction.
In her self-help group to share experiences, tell newcomers, through which way you went. In this story, there should be no tips, guidance, control or desire to please - it all Milestones. Speak honestly and freely. This practice will not let you slip back into a destructive state, but also teach something to give to others, not thinking about personal gain.
Almost everything that we gave when loved too much, in fact, is the manipulation of their own interests. Now we are freed and can give freely.
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