How to get rid of toxic rules of life and breathe freely

In addition to the laws and rules by which society lives, each of us has their own personal principles inherited from their parents or by our own. Most people do not even realize it.

Here are some examples of these rules:

• I can not be wrong.
• I can not enjoy his success.
• If you do something, it is best of all.
• I can not give up the slack.
• I have to meet the requirements and expectations of others.
• I must be cool.
• I should not pollute nature.
• I should try to have my family everything was fine.
• I should not expect anything from others.
• I should feed correctly.
• I can not lie under any circumstances.
• I can not be a burden to others.
• You can not try to be better than I am.
• The needs of others is more important than my own.
• I have to be alert and not to succumb to manipulation.
• If I annoy someone, you should do everything possible to calm the man.
• I have to be hospitable.
• I always have to rescue friends.

Life rules are useful. They regulate our behavior, playing the role of a kind of inner conductors to help find the right road. But, drawing attention to its own principles, you will likely notice that some of them have a negative impact on you. They prevent you properly take care of himself or imposed behavior that complicates your life and sucks the energy out of you. Realizing this, you will probably want to change the rules.

Many live by the rules, which are not aware of. Some of the principles we have inherited from their parents, while others invent themselves, but then forget where they came from in our lives.

This is similar to how we learned to eat with a spoon: first it was a matter of difficulty, we did not know how to hold it, as a tray to your mouth, so as not to spill the contents, and how to put food in his mouth. But once mastered the entire sequence of actions, we are more of them do not think. Everything happens automatically, and we do not even remember why we should do so.

At times we are living unconsciously following the rules that have come up as a child, but now they only rob us of energy. […]

The more stringent regulations, the fewer opportunities

Imagine Denmark map and think about the possibilities of human life. Each new restriction makes you cut a piece of the kingdom.

If you took it a rule to always look perfect, do not allow yourself to pass the whole day in pajamas. If your life principle - never upset my mother, that because of its ambitions, you will never become a chimney sweep, even if this activity you most prefer. Restrictions and prohibitions are destroying our ability. Some are so harsh rules, that the kingdom of their ability to transform into a tiny island. All their strength all the time and ingenuity spent on it to implement and comply with their life principles.

How to discover the hidden rules of life

These Regulations come into play when we need to take decision. To identify the principles and values, the following questions enough asked: "Why are you not doing so, what brings you pleasure? "or" Why do not you stop doing what does not work you pleasure? ".

If the person you are helping, can not achieve this goal, or dissatisfied with life, perhaps, to blame his hidden rules. Questions like, "Why do not you just take and not to do the following" seem silly and even annoying - certainly excuse your companion find it. However, you need to ask questions like: helping others, you are bound to make sure that it is often silly and annoying issues have the greatest effect. Furthermore, they can disguise. I kept doing so, especially if it turns helping relatives. You can ask this: "When you told me that you do not want to go to a birthday to her cousin, but still went, I was a little surprised. Why do not you just refused the invitation? I'm sorry if I climb your own business. "

The answer in most cases is a certain rule of life. For clarity, I repeat it after the patient: "It appears that you have the principle of non-spending holiday, lying on the couch, and go against her mother's wishes." This is usually enough. Realizing that he limits himself, the caller understands the reasons for which formed a particular rule, and this opens up new possibilities. Probably, he was asked to tell how to change existing principles. Maybe he does not ask.

If your partner is dissatisfied with his rule of life, tell him what the prospects were opened in front of you when you were working on their own limitations. And invited to consult it on this subject.

Below is an example of how to deal with life's rules.

Ian secretly dreams to spend the Christmas holidays somewhere in the south in a spa hotel. When I asked why she did not just pack up and go, she immediately referred to the following principles:

• I have to spend Christmas with my parents.
• I should not be selfish.
• I can not spend so much money just for themselves.

Having identified all the rules, work with each separately, asking the same question: "This is a good and constructive rule or prohibition of unreasonable?"

Analysis of their own rules of life, and the formulation of alternatives

If the person you are helping, like to write, ask them to make a list of advantages and disadvantages of each individual rule on two sheets of paper.

Ian revised its principles and "allowed" his trip to the hotel spa. Here is a new version of its rules:

• I have to be with their parents, but not always. I can be with them on Christmas Eve, but they can spend Christmas itself without me.
• From time to time I can be a little selfish and spend money only on themselves. In the end, the other is also will benefit, because I come home in a good mood and with new forces.

Use this trick: not simply iterate over new thoughts in his head, and fix them on paper and reread again and again. If you do not like to write, just say aloud the changed rule several times. The effect will increase when you tell someone about the new principle. If you do not want to share with anyone, please tell us about all his own reflection in the mirror.

By introducing new rules, do not forget to cancel the old ones. The best way to do it - to break them, go to them in defiance. The more you break the old rules, the less power over you they will have.

Parting with hidden principles

Our limitations are closely related with some ideas about the world. If your loved one hard to give up the hidden rules, you need to find out what their roots are. This will help us the following questions:

• Why do you have ???
• What happens if you ???
• Why can not you ???

When asked why it should not be selfish, John led his father's words: "If everyone was doing what they want, where would we be now" This phrase is heard from a lot of times, for example, when one day a child Jan did not want to sit with a younger brother and she asked for permission to go instead to play badminton. Already grown up, she knew whether her father, though a drop wise, this problem would never have arisen, because the girl could take his brother with him or ask his grandmother to sit with him. She decided that she no longer allow itself to depend on this meaningless phrase, resorted to her father forbidding her daughter to engage in their favorite activities without any real reasons.

When asked why she should certainly spend Christmas with his parents, John said so: when she was little and helpless, it parents sat with her, and now, when they need help themselves, she wanted to thank them. But while she talked about it, she suddenly realized that in fact, as a young man her parents did not just something for fun, leaving her in the care of other people. Therefore, Jan changed its rules and now it sounds like this: "I do not necessarily permanently, even at Christmas, to sit with them."

Violation of the hidden principles

Daring to change and ceasing to do what you have been doing for years or all their lives, you can experience a feeling of discomfort, and sometimes even fear.

Ready to tell parents about the upcoming trip, Ian few nights she could not sleep, and having left the first time, worried that in the absence of her parents are sick.

Fortunately, nothing bad will happen, rest went to her advantage, and the next time Jan was a lot easier to tell my parents that sometimes it is necessary to put their interests first.

Realizing their potential, some people try to limit them. Perhaps the fact that people are not confident in their own abilities. Nevertheless, in most cases, when we realize that we live on the unnecessary rules, we want to completely get rid of them, or, as in the case of Yana, change them and expand the range of possibilities. Now, John, for example, allows himself a lot more. She rethought the actions that were previously considered selfish, and began to get more enjoyment out of life.

Initially, you will leave a lot of effort into learning to live under the new rules. Feeling the pressure from the fear or very tired, you want to return to the old principles, which may be stuck for life.

This is due to the fact that the actions carried out on the machine, rob us less energy. However, in such a "rollback" there is nothing to worry about. This is quite natural. Over time, they will be less, the main thing - to go to the new goals and constantly remind ourselves of this.

Recommend to whomever helps to glue a piece of paper with the new rule in a prominent place, such as a mirror. Or tell us about the new principles of his friend and ask him to periodically remind about the need for change.

Strict guidelines and low self-esteem

Rules implying that you have to be better than others and the expectations of others, talking about low self-esteem. When I asked why John always helps people and asks nothing in return, she just wondered your answer. She was afraid to be abandoned, and felt that in itself does not cost anything.

Strict principles of life often compensate for our inner sense of their own inadequacy.

Trying to win, we are at heart we hope that no one will see our insignificance. If you break the rules, and notice that others have not gone away, and the communication with them has become even stronger, your self-esteem will increase significantly.

Changing the principles of life can affect how you perceive yourself and you will be easier to be yourself. Rejecting the invitation to a boring birthday and spend the saved money on a beautiful bouquet of flowers yourself, you send your self-esteem a signal that you and your significant needs are important.

values

The more rules we change or cancel - the better? No, it is not necessary to make such a conclusion. Some of the principles are important to us, since they are connected with our values. Values ​​and their choices influence the formation of personality and determine the uniqueness of each of us.

Examples of values:

• Do not contaminate the environment.
• Children need special attention.
• You have to be honest.
• You can not use people for selfish purposes.

It is not necessary to revise and change the values ​​that have special meaning for you. But it is important to be aware of their existence. This will allow you to better understand why this or that situation is causing your anger.

Summary

If your buddy does not get rid of the problems, it may be due to the fact that it is very limited own rules or restrictions. Finding the hidden rules, we discover new opportunities. Life rules are often closely intertwined with the idea about the world and his inner convictions, so they rarely change. However, if the person you are helping, agreed to change its own principles, and this will lead to the expansion of the range of its capabilities, he will definitely on the right track.

Analyzing their life principles, we allow ourselves to develop.

The book "From the heart" Ilse Sand - a practical guide on the use of some simple psychotherapeutic techniques that will help you lead a heart to heart talk anywhere: in the kitchen, on a walk, at the reception or at the bedside patient. It will teach not only help the other person solve his problem, but also to keep the mind and at the same time peace of mind safe and sound.

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