6 steps to help express disagreement without quarreling

It happens that good acquaintances understood each other perfectly just yesterday, but today they argue furiously. But in the end they do not come to an agreement, but on the contrary, they aggravate the conflict. To avoid ruining important relationships because of this, psychologist, author and conflict resolution specialist David Evans suggests using 6 steps. We talk about them below.

1. Recognize that you have different views

This point seems obvious, but it is worth mentioning separately. Many people believe that a conversation between two people who hold different positions always turns into an argument. And if you don’t want to conflict, it’s better to avoid the discussion. Or not touch on difficult topics at all - this way there is less chance of quarreling.

Therefore, you should immediately indicate your position, but emphasize that you are not going to swear. And the purpose of the conversation is to try to understand each other. David Evans suggests you remember to always remain friendly. After all, you are not attacking or defending, the purpose of the conversation is different - to look at the problem from a different angle.

2. Remember that the other has reasons for taking his position.

You probably respect and value the person you are talking to, otherwise you simply would not waste this time. Therefore, think that your interlocutor is not a stupid person at all. And if he came to certain views, then this is probably not an accident.

People often think: my position is definitely correct, because I have found many facts that confirm its correctness. This means that if someone thinks differently, then he does not want or is simply not able to notice the obvious. But perhaps a person with a different opinion found others arguments, which allowed him to draw opposite conclusions. Or interprets generally known facts differently.

You don't know why the other person disagrees with you. And maybe you’ll find out during the conversation. And in order not to quarrel, try to treat the person with respect in advance and recognize his right to his own opinion.

3. Ask your partner to help you understand him

Let’s move on to the main point—discussion of a complex, and perhaps painful, topic. Sometimes it is worth directly saying that you think completely differently than the other person. And it’s hard for you to even imagine how you can not share your views. So you ask the other person to help you understand how and why he chose his point of view.

This is an important phrase: “Help me understand.” But it should be said sincerely. If you are not ready to find out what made your interlocutor take a position different from yours, it is better not to start at all talk.

If you agree to look at the problem through the eyes of your opponent, feel free to continue the conversation.

4. Ask questions, but don't criticize the answers

Perhaps this is the most difficult point. It may seem to you that the other person is saying ridiculous, absurd and even outrageous things. But it’s hardly worth interrupting him. And even more so to say: “What nonsense! Nonsense! Stop repeating idiotic stories!”

Ask questions. If it's really important to you to understand why the other person is defending his point of view, he will see it. You can clarify where he got the important facts from and why he trusts the source of information. Perhaps your friend is referring to personal experience. You shouldn’t devalue it, even if you yourself have encountered opposite situations.

For example, the interlocutor says that he does not trust young doctors. And he says that at the clinic he had an appointment with a recent graduate of residency. He listened to him inattentively and made a mistake in the prescription - he prescribed a drug that turned out to be useless. “It’s a pity that old doctors are retiring. Soon there will be no one to treat us,” your friend concludes.

You have a completely different experience. You were at an appointment with two specialists: an almost pensioner and a young one doctor. The first one, out of habit, prescribed old and ineffective drugs, because he knows little about the practice of using new ones. The second one first directed you to several studies, then told you in detail what conclusions he could draw from their results. Then he explained which drugs he would choose. And he named the indicators that you will need to monitor to assess the effectiveness of therapy. This approach turned out to be successful: you feel much better and know exactly what to do to recover.

An outside observer might say that you are both right. No one needs to change their point of view, because both are based on facts. All you have to do is recognize that no position is worth devaluing.

Of course, there are more serious disagreements. Sometimes it can be difficult to see that another point of view can also be based on facts. But even if it seems to you that your interlocutor is clearly mistaken, you should not reproach him. Each of us is sometimes wrong, but over time we can understand that we were mistaken.

5. Thank your interlocutor for openness and trust

Not everyone is ready to talk about difficult topics with a person who takes the opposite position. Such a discussion can be upsetting, disappointing, or bring back memories of past traumas. But yours companion agreed to a difficult conversation. If he spoke sincerely about his beliefs and answered your questions, you should thank him for his honesty.

Even though you remained in different positions, you showed that you trust each other and are ready to listen to your opponent. Often this position is no less important than absolute agreement.

6. Let them know that you do not consider it necessary to change your position

You may not have known some of the important facts you just heard about. You can tell your interlocutor about this. But if your views remain the same, you should say so directly.

Try not to use phrases like “No, you still couldn’t convince me.” You had a different goal - not to win each other over to your side, but to discuss a difficult topic and not quarrel. If you succeed, you are already a winner.

Remember that people sometimes revise their beliefs. Perhaps this will happen to one of you.