4 times when you should go to couples therapy

Thanks to movies and TV shows, many people imagine couples therapy as a last resort to save a marriage. The couple quarrels for a long time, reaches the brink, when it seems there is nothing left to save, and only then goes to a psychologist. Then everything will depend on the genre of the film, but quite often the partners make peace, because the audience loves happy endings.

In reality it doesn't work quite like that. A psychologist is an assistant, not a magician. He will not glue together what has already shattered into a million pieces. But he can show you how to remove the fragments so that no one gets cut. So it is more effective to frequently contact a specialist when small cracks appear. But not only. Here are some situations where a psychologist can be helpful.

1. If you don't hear each other

The idea that no one in the world not a telepath and you have to be able to pronounce everything, has finally become popular. But just understanding its importance is not enough. Speaking and, most importantly, hearing your interlocutor is a skill that needs to be learned, which comes with experience. Therefore, many problems can arise in the process.

It happens that a person says something, but his partner does not perceive his words. It's not because he's stubborn or inconsiderate. We are influenced by emotions, experiences and other factors. Therefore, phrases, while flying from the mouth to other people’s ears, can change their meaning. Let’s say one person says: “Let’s now decide on our vacation plans - I feel anxious when there is no certainty.” His interlocutor may hear different things - from “You are bad and make me anxious” to “It is unknown whether we will still be together for the holidays or not, I doubt it.” And as a result, the strategy of talking almost doesn’t work. Fixing it from the inside is often difficult because both parties are emotionally involved in the situation.

But you can talk in different ways. The same thought, expressed in different words, can be perceived as a caring good wish or as an accusation that will lead to a new emotional explosion. Especially it concerns quarrels, where both people are already tense.

In this case, a psychologist can act as a mediator who will teach you how to speak and listen. A good specialist will identify common problems in communication and point them out, giving tools on how to make it more effective. But, of course, much will depend on how willing the partners are to work on themselves and on the relationship.

2. If you are having a relationship crisis

In a relationship there is several stages. At first we experience euphoria and fusion. It seems that there are no people in the world who are more suitable for each other, and the beloved is seen through rose-colored glasses. But this feeling will begin to disappear over time. Hormones will return to normal, and it will turn out that the partner is a separate person with his own habits, desires and shortcomings. That is, imperfect. Often relationships fall apart at this point because they are perceived as a mistake. Everything was so good, and then suddenly it stopped. But the myth of romantic love dictates to us that it shouldn’t be like this, after the wedding everyone lives happily ever after.

In fact, this is an inevitable stage that all couples face. And the further development of events depends on them. Someone quickly runs away. Someone tries to get used to it and finds out that they are completely different people and they have no future, and then they break up or suffer. And someone accepts a partner not as an ideal, but as a real person and reaches the next level, where there will be not only love, but also friendship and respect.

A psychologist will help you get through the crisis with fewer losses - although not with a guaranteed result. Because at this moment it is important for people to “get reacquainted” with each other. Look at your partner not through rose-colored glasses, but through the prism of reality. What are the disadvantages and advantages, goals and needs, outlook on life. And most importantly: is it realistic for both of them to come to terms with all this or will it mean eternal suffering.

The psychologist here does not make a decision for the couple, he simply helps the “new acquaintance”. Without a specialist, people can also go through this stage. But not everyone manages to avoid falling into constant quarrels, accusations and disappointment.

3. If you break up

People sometimes stop being together. This does not always mean that the relationship is unsuccessful. It happens that they have simply worked out their goals or the partners have incompatible goals. But even if a couple breaks up by mutual agreement and relatively calmly, this does not mean that no one is hurt. A breakup is always quite traumatic. And when there are children in the family, it is doubly painful.

A psychologist will help make the breakup more environmentally friendly. The couple will probably be able to accept that not everything in the relationship was bad, even though it may seem so now. Recognize the differences that divide as significant. Agree on how former lovers will interact further, if necessary. And perhaps even stay friends.

4. If there is a problem that affects both

Family difficulties are not always associated with conflict or misunderstanding within a couple. Sometimes partners remain a team when faced with something from the outside. But they cannot figure it out on their own. Individual therapy here does not always seem fair, because they will have to act together.

For example, there is perinatal family therapy for those who are expecting a child. Pregnancy and having children changes a lot on its own. And if you add fears and misunderstandings to this, life can become difficult and alienate partners from each other, even if they are now presenting a united front. Couples therapy can help you be more open to change.