How to protect personal boundaries if you have little sense of them yourself
Miscellaneous / / November 01, 2023
During a conflict, try to understand how the development of the situation depends on your actions.
How personal boundaries work
There is a lot of talk about the safety and violation of borders. But each of us has our own opinion about what they are and how strong this protection should be.
Psychologist Jonice Webb believesthat personal boundaries are both a strong fence and a protective filter. It freely lets in everything that does not pose a danger to you. And it repels the attack if someone approaches you with bad intentions and wants to humiliate you, piss you off or offend you.
We manage this filter ourselves, and we do it automatically. People always try to sense or calculate the intentions of someone who wants to communicate with them. And to gain access inside your protective zone, the other person must show that he does not pose an emotional threat to you. Some get a pass instantly - you see that they will not intentionally harm you. Others remain outside the boundaries for a long time until you are sure that they too can be trusted.
But still, anyone can find themselves in a situation that will knock them out of their state of emotional comfort. For example, Jonice Webb suggests introducing a man named Adam, who is valued in his family and respected by his colleagues. But he faces disdain from the guard. He knows Adam very well, but every morning, without saying hello, he rudely demands to see his pass. Moreover, he is always polite with others.
How to regulate personal boundaries in difficult situations
There are difficult situations when you have to operate the filter fence manually. Jonice Webb suggests asking yourself five questions in such cases. When you feel hurt or offended, they will help build exactly the protection that is necessary in a particular situation. Here they are:
- What exactly is going on and how do I feel about it?
- Could my actions be the cause of the conflict? And if so, which ones?
- What does the other person do to develop our conflict with him?
- What should I do to protect myself?
- What conclusions can be drawn from this situation and what should we learn?
The questions seem very simple, even obvious. Let's take an example of a situation with a security guard to see how they work.
Here are the answers Adam can find if he thinks about the problem at home, in a calm state:
- The security guard is deliberately trying to put me in an awkward position. This attitude humiliates me. I feel like I don't use the same respectlike other employees. This seems unfair and outrageous to me.
- Yes, I probably gave the guard a reason to think that I could be an easy target. Maybe I'm behaving like a person who doubts that he works at the company by right, and didn't get here by accident.
- The guard provokes me, but does not receive a rebuff. This is probably an easy way for him to increase self-esteem and feel like an important person. Well, yes, he’s right, every time he makes me irritated, that means he can control me. And I play by his rules. At my expense, he solves his problems with self-affirmation.
- I’ll try to break this script and behave differently than always. I'll look the guard straight in the eyes and say hello. I’ll prepare the pass in advance so as not to look for it in front of the turnstile. And I’ll show you right away, before the guard has time to answer me.
- I should be more confident and take a long vacation from my inner self. impostor. I am a valuable employee, and my salary confirms this.
At first, this analysis will take you a lot of time. But the more often you do it, the easier it will become to find answers. And the faster you will begin to find a solution.
How to build personal boundaries if you don’t feel them at all
If a person grew up in an environment where their needs were always neglected, it may be difficult for them to feel the boundaries of comfort. Jonice Webb says that in such a situation, you can build your protective barrier from scratch. And he offers such an exercise.
Close your eyes and imagine that you are surrounded by a protective cocoon in which you are safe. Feel this state. And then try to visualize this protection in as much detail as possible. What are the walls made of? How thick are they? What color are they painted? When is the cocoon ready to close completely, and when does it open and turn into an ordinary fence? In what situations do walls become permeable or disappear altogether?
It is worth repeating this exercise regularly. And then, when you feel that your emotional state someone threatens, immediately imagine that you are inside a safe cocoon. If you can, try to answer five questions right away. If not, do it later, in comfortable conditions.
Try to do this practice regularly. Over time, you will begin to enable protection automatically. And then you will feel that she is always with you and works independently.
How to see your own and others' boundaries in recurring conflicts
It's not just you who has healthy boundaries that no one should violate. Sometimes conflicts You can also provoke it if you violate the protection of another person. Yes, you are capable of doing this accidentally, without intending to harm anyone. But confrontation, open or implicit, will still arise. It can last for a long time, with quarrels breaking out from time to time. And then go back into smoldering mode.
Sometimes a person may not be able to objectively assess what he himself is doing to develop the conflict, and what his opponent is doing. Social relations specialist Jeremy Sherman offers such an analogy.
If on a crowded dance floor someone pushes you over and over again, you will stick out your elbow. But if you start swinging your arms too much, they will meet you with their elbows. And you should behave more carefully so as not to offend anyone. Maybe even tuck your elbows.
But it happens that on the dance floor collide people who want to listen to different music, and each of them has their own dance. Then they are cramped on the same site, and it will be better to disperse.
Sherman proposes to analyze conflicts according to the youmeus principle, which can be translated as “you-me-we.” If you are angry with someone else, you can mentally ask the question: is the problem you, me, or us? Or this: was it you or me who provoked the difficult situation? Or are we both right, but we have nothing to do together? This approach will help to honestly understand the causes of the conflict. And more accurately answer the next question - how to proceed in a difficult situation.
If you are sure that your boundaries have been violated, then defend yourself. Maybe you realized that you first placed your elbows, and then they answered you the same way. This means you should think about what to change in your actions. But maybe you saw that you and your opponent have completely different goals and motives, and it will not be possible to unite them. Perhaps in this case you should just leave.
What else is worth knowing about personal boundaries?🧐
- How to politely but firmly tell others your personal boundaries
- 8 types of personal boundaries that are important to set in relationships with others
- 10 signs that it's time to strengthen personal boundaries