What to do if you grew up, but were never able to truly separate from your mother

Elena Novoselova, a psychologist with 30 years of experience, published a book “Maternal power». It contains 35 cases from Elena’s practice about the relationships of mothers with their children. Manipulation, suffocating love, indifference, violation of personal boundaries - the author advises how to behave if you had to deal with these or other common patterns of behavior.

With the permission of Alpina Publisher, we are publishing an excerpt about how insufficient separation from a mother can harm her adult child.

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"I need only you"

Lena grew up in an intelligent family, in an apartment full of books and family traditions. Smart, creative, beautiful and gentle, she did not meet the very man of her dreams and gave birth “for herself” when she was in her early 30s. Son Kolya became her world, her best interlocutor from birth. They played together, walked, went to the theater and to see friends. “Now I’m not alone,” Lena rejoiced.

Kolya grew up as a “magical boy” with a rich imagination. He learned to read early, drew beautifully, and won competitions at school. He amazed adults not only with his abilities, but also with his flexible and sensitive character. He was kind. He helped other children. “Ugh, ugh, ugh, I can’t jinx it,” teachers and family friends crossed themselves.

Lena was shaking over Kolya. In childhood - at the mildest illnesses, then - when Kolya was late from school, did not answer calls, went somewhere - she imagined all sorts of horrors. “If something happens to you, I won’t be able to stand it,” Lena told Kolya completely sincerely. Kolya was so beautiful that Lena was afraid: her boy had no place in this world, such people do not live long.

But nothing happened to Kolya.

Years passed, Kolya became a teenager, he and his mother continued do everything together and understood each other perfectly. We cooked together, went to theaters, and skied. They had their own secrets and jokes between them. They looked at albums of photographs from their mother’s vacations, which they always spent together, and they felt so good that it seems that it simply couldn’t get better.

When Kolya turned 15, he began to tell his mother that he felt some kind of longing, that he would like to go somewhere alone.

- Of course, son! - Lena agreed. - Go on a hike with the guys!

Kolya tried it a couple of times, but he didn’t really like it.

“It’s more interesting with you,” he admitted. - Guys, not really... I don’t even know. In general, I missed you. It’s cooler to talk to you and the jokes are wittier. And with them... well, somehow... they don’t know me, and I don’t understand them. Well them!

Kolya grew up. At 19 and at 25 it was still the same 13-year-old Kolya, a brilliant young man. But his talents seemed to be of little use to the world. Prodigy grew into an ordinary “good specialist”, or maybe Kolya himself didn’t really understand where to go in order to develop further, in what projects to participate in, how to sell your talents, how to meet interesting people and do something with them important. He always seemed to be afraid of something - and did not dare to take important steps. Kolya grew up without scope, without space, never expressing anger, without having his own, separate space for thoughts and feelings.

In order for the need for self-realization to develop, to go out into the world and compete in it, to try to become needed, a person must recognize himself as a separate independent subject.

And Kolya already had a mother with whom it was interesting and who appreciated him. And it was easier and safer for him to stay with her than to take risks and fail in the outside world.

Kolya’s personal life was not going well either. After all, in order to build a relationship with someone, you need to need them. Maybe he would like to meet a girl and have sex. But I didn’t want it so much that I would embark on unknown adventures for the sake of it. By nature, Kolya did not have a violent sexual temperament and was content with masturbation. As for relationships, Kolya already had them - very convenient and emotionally comfortable. You don’t need to get to know your mother, you don’t need to get used to her, your mother won’t leave you, your mother loves you in any way: no emotional risks. Lena began to worry that Kolya was not trying build your life more active.

“I should go and meet someone,” she suggested. - Because you need friends, girl. The world is so huge and beautiful! Be bolder!

But Kolya did not know how to be bolder. Mom was too good. Simply no one could compete with her. And Lena calmed down. They lived together and grew old unnoticed. They were still playing Scrabble in the kitchen, only Kolya was no longer 10, but 40, and she was 70. They were still excitingly discussing books, news and various problems of humanity.

What happened?

Lena got herself a companion, a companion for life, a faithful friendwho loved her very much. They did everything together, they were happy. Her boy didn't die as she feared, but he barely lived either.

Kolya admired his mother, but felt bitterly that he was not realizing himself, that he did not understand how to live, that everything monotonous and stuffy that he did not become what he could have become, did not realize his abilities, nothing created. It seemed to him that life had deceived him or that he himself had missed his chances. However, Kolya tried to drive away these thoughts from himself - they were too hopeless, and it was still unclear how to fix the matter.

When Lena died, Kolya was 56, she was almost 90. His colleagues knew him as a bald, always slightly confused guy who just rushed to help others - he always wanted to be needed - helpful, fussy and endlessly banal. Kolya stopped dreaming a long time ago, and he never learned to understand himself and others - after all, for this you need to live life and gain a variety of experiences. And it's like he grew old without ripeness.

Sometimes in conversation he mentioned “mommy,” and this word from his lips sounded both touching and somehow unnatural.

It became awkward, but Kolya didn’t feel it.

Kolya’s good relationship with his mother hindered his development, because it was based not only on love, but mainly on the mother’s fear of losing her child. This fear was passed on to the grown Kolya, who shared it with his mother and decided not to separate from her at all, abandoning his own life.

Sad story, isn't it?

What to do?

I have seen many similar symbioses at different stages. As a rule, if both its participants are smart and critically thinking people, they have a chance to “come unglued” from each other and, while maintaining warm feelings, relationship, start living more of your own, separate lives. If you are a mother who feels good and warm about living with an adult child, or if you have already grown up and cannot imagine yourself outside your mother’s nest, I suggest you do the following.

1. To believe that separation is always a necessary condition for a fuller life for both the parent and the grown child.

You may be very happy together, but some important things become more visible and achievable only after you begin to define yourself as individual person, independent. Perhaps the very thought of this makes you afraid of loneliness and “coldness”. But you are not going to move away completely, to leave your loved one. You only need a flexible distance that allows options: sometimes to be together and sit in an embrace at the table, sometimes to become freer.

You can dose the cold and heat yourself.

Now you only have warmth, but no freedom or cold at all - and this is not useful for either the child or the parent. This situation especially harms the child, making him in the long term not happy and warm, but dependent and not having passed the most important stage of development. Separation is as necessary for a grown child as close attachment - baby!

2. Recognize separation as a common goal.

This is paradoxical, but nothing will work out otherwise. If the son tries to distance himself, the mother will certainly want him back - and to her it will work. An unsuccessful and painful attempt will permanently reduce the son’s desire to leave his only love (it’s cold and lonely without his mother). If the mother herself pushes her son away, he will stick to her more strongly, and she herself will feel that she is betraying her lonely baby. Therefore, we only need to take on this matter together.

3. Gently pull each one in its own direction.

If you can, try to live separately. If for external or internal reasons this is not possible, consciously reduce the amount of time you spend together. Since you have set a common goal, try to monitor its implementation together. Find ways to spend your leisure time separately, new places and new people, activities that you won’t involve each other in. Determine for yourself the measure of tolerable loneliness and make up for it not with each other, but with someone or something else. Perhaps some of you feel the same way will not your family, but you can become passionate about something or someone and invest in those things, becoming more independent.

4. Develop your need for freedom and distance: what interesting and attractive things can you do without a child (without a mother)?

On your own or with the help of a disinterested observer (friend, psychologist...) try to determine which habits of your family most interfere with separation. What exactly should you do differently? How to give each other warmth, but at the same time create distance and establish new borders?

5. Among my friends there are examples of people who simply really like being parents; this is one of their callings in life.

Perhaps (here I am addressing the mother), this is your case, and it is the love of parenting as a process that does not allow you to give up this desired role in which you feel competent. I understand how risky such a proposal can be, but this is not advice, but an opportunity: if, while raising your first child, you understand that you would like the experience of parenthood to continue (and if you have the means and opportunities for this), consider the option growing several children.

Nowadays, this does not directly depend on the presence of a husband or partner. It is quite possible to both give birth to a child for yourself (for example, through artificial insemination), and adopt or adopt a little one. If you have two, three or more children, the situation and role alignment in the family will become completely different and the risk of a symbiotic merger with an older child will practically disappear. True, you will have many other worries - but perhaps these are exactly what you need.

The book "Mother's Power" will be useful for those who want to understand their relationship with their mother and understand how to turn it from toxic to healthier. It will also be useful for mothers who want to correct their mistakes and bring communication with adult children to a more friendly level.

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