How to help children cope with their parents' divorce

Is it worth saving a bad marriage for the sake of children?

Parents' divorce is almost always a terrible blow for children. However, it is much worse for the child’s mental state to live in a family where one or both spouses are constantly exhausted and unhappy, always quarreling, making scandals and blaming each other.

Moreover, if parents maintain an unhappy marriage only for the sake of their children, they seem to sacrifice themselves and, at least unconsciously, demand much more from them. They become intolerant of the shortcomings of younger family members, and misunderstandings develop between them. In response to excessive demands, the child begins to consider himself a failure.

And we must not forget that children create their own image and behavior model based on what they observe in the family.

The worst effect on a child is not divorce, but parental conflicts during and after this event. But if everything is done correctly, children will survive stress with minimal losses, grow up mentally healthy and be able to build a strong and happy family in the future.

How to tell your child about divorce

There are several common mistakes that you should not make if you decide to divorce:

1. Delay the moment when you tell your children everything. If you decide to separate, you should not hush up this fact, trying to lie that everything is fine. Even kids feel that something is going wrong, but no one confirms their feelings. Such a contradiction creates unnecessary stress and wastes energy that they will soon need.
2. Talking about divorce when nothing has been decided yet. This is the other extreme, harmful to children. You cannot broadcast your tossing and turning to your child, as this further increases anxiety and uncertainty.
3. Don't answer children's questions. This can happen if parents are afraid of hurting their child or cannot find the words. The feeling that something is being hidden from you gives rise to anxiety, nervousness, sleep disturbances and other problems.
4. Tell your child different versions of the reasons. If mom has one theory and dad has another, it confuses children and kills the certainty they need. It’s even worse if the parents also blame each other, making the partner guilty, and turn the child against him.
5. Saying that everything will be as before. Parents often make the mistake of trying to calm their children down with this phrase. Essentially, this is deception. It’s better to tell your children the truth, while choosing a softer wording, for example: “Now it will be different, but we will make sure you feel good. And even if it’s sad, we’re there for you.”

First of all, agree with your partner on how you will explain what is happening to the children, and then talk to them together. Try to make sure that the conversation takes place in a friendly atmosphere, and that your versions completely coincide.

You should not use the following versions as reasons (even if they are true):

1. Poor financial support from the father.
2. Data betrayal.
3. Poor attitude and behavior of one parent towards the other.
4. Resentment towards each other for any reason.
5. Improper upbringing on the part of one of the parents.

Instead, come up with a neutral reason and communicate it correctly to your child.

It is important to reinforce the following belief in the child: “Even though mom and dad are no longer husband and wife, they are my parents forever, and I am their child.”

It is also worth telling your children how their life will change after a divorce: where they will live and with whom, on what days they will meet with the other parent. Such a conversation will add certainty and help restore lost support.

What conditions may arise in a child after a divorce?

In the first six months after the break, all children observed stress reactions.

Children 3–4 years old may develop problems with the body: enuresis, constipation, sleep problems and food. At this age, the psyche is at the beginning of its formation, and bodily sensations and emotions are not yet separated.

Children of any age can become aggressive, exhibiting periodic outbursts of rage and stubbornness. They seem to go back in their development in order to experience pain.

If a six-year-old child behaves like a three-year-old, for example, screams and rolls on the floor, his psyche is thus trying to cope with the threat. He returns to old forms of behavior in order to save mental energy. And that's okay.

It is much worse if the child is absolutely calm. Psychologists warnthat indifference and “comfortable” behavior after a divorce is not a sign that he has coped with the trauma in a couple of days or weeks, but an alarm bell.

Every mentally healthy child must react to divorce. External calm and indifference do not speak about the internal state.

Most likely, the child was not allowed - openly or covertly - to express his feelings, and he was forced to push it all inside. However, the inability to process fears and fantasies can result in the appearance of neurotic symptoms.

In the future, such a person will not be able to trust others, including romantic partners, and will suffer from low self-esteem, anxiety, uncontrollable aggression or, conversely, excessive goodwill towards everyone contract.

How to help a child get through a crisis

It is worth focusing on age in this matter. Babies and babies are highly dependent on the emotional state of their mother. Therefore, in this case, the main task is to regulate and maintain her emotional background as much as possible. It is also important to maintain the baby’s usual rhythm of life and schedule.

Children of preschool and primary school age are the most vulnerable group. They are included in the family system and understand a lot, but still cannot comprehend what is happening. It is important to talk with your child about what is happening and emphasize that divorce is an adult decision. At the same time, you should not use language like “it’s not your fault.”

This also applies to teenage children. They cope with divorce more adequately because they already have support in friends, hobbies, plans and relationships. At the same time, it is also important to talk to them honestly, to ask what exactly worries and worries them.

In the acute period - the first six months before and after divorce — you need to accept the child’s possible aggression as an inevitable reality. Don’t try to suppress it; on the contrary, give him the opportunity to express it safely.

Under no circumstances should you shame your child for “immoral” feelings, do not reprimand, scold, or accuse him of injustice. Listen, and when the child’s passion runs out, hug him and say that you understand how hard it is for him. Express your feelings - say that it’s difficult for you now too, but together you will get through it.

Of course, you cannot indulge your child in his desires, for example, not going to school or eating only ice cream. But at the same time, you should not shout at him or shame him - try to resolve such conflicts patiently and gently. Here are a few examples:

1. The child refuses to go to school or kindergarten. “Of course, it would be great not to go to school when you don’t want to. Sometimes I have these thoughts about my work too. We will definitely arrange day off, but it’s better to plan for it.”
2. The child demands sweets, but you are against his choice. “I understand that you want something sweet. Let you choose any sweet fruit you want.”
3. You have to go to a business meeting, and your child demands that you take him with you. “You want your mother to stay with you and for us to sit on the sofa in an embrace. You worry that if your mother goes somewhere, you might lose her. After all, it seems to you that you have lost your dad too. But that's not true. Dad will come to you, he always remembers you. And mom will never leave, even if she sometimes goes on business. And in the evening we will definitely sit with you and talk about everything in the world.”
4. The child unfairly accuses you of something, reacts aggressively to you, criticizes you. Repeat in your head that these are not his real thoughts, but only reactions to internal pain and suffering. “My dear, you feel very bad, I see. Come to me, everything will be fine, let me hug you.”

Older children can be given special literature. Here are a few books that are good for children of different ages, as well as their parents:

1. Jacqueline Wilson, "A New Start"
2. Ute Krause, Princesses and Robbers.
3. Natalya Remish, “Just about the important things. About Mira and Gosha."
4. Christine Nöstlinger, “Of course and in general.”
5. Ulf Stark, Let the Polar Bears Dance.

WITH teenagers You can watch TV series or films that touch on these topics, and then discuss what you watched. At the same time, it is important to clarify the child’s opinion: “How do you think the main character lives? What could help him? What is difficult for him to cope with?

How to organize communication between a child and parents after a divorce

A negative attitude towards one of the parents cripples the child’s psyche, takes away part of his identity and opens the door to internal conflicts.

Try to maintain a good relationship and make sure that children have the opportunity to communicate with both parents without feeling guilty towards them for their love.

Many mothers are faced with the “Sunday dad” phenomenon. The woman controls and regulates the child’s behavior all week, makes him do his homework, monitors compliance with the rules and food, and dad, like a holiday, comes for one day and then leaves. At the same time, all the negative emotions, the surge of whims and protests are observed by the mother, and it seems unfair to her.

You can’t scold them for such “injustice,” much less turn them against the other parent out of resentment. The phrase “dad abandoned us” can leave a terrible scar on a child’s psyche and completely ruin a relationship with a former partner.

It's worth watching what you say. Don’t scold your partner in front of your child, don’t make up emotions for him like “daddy doesn’t love you anymore.” Even if you have every reason to think so, such conversations will only cause pain.

At the same time, try to understand your partner. Before the divorce, he was a full member of the family, and after that he receives only crumbs of attention and does not have the opportunity to watch his child grow up. Such “exclusion” from the family can be painful not only for children, but also for adults.

If possible, try to involve your partner in caring for the child. Let him not just hang out with him on weekends, but carry out important tasks. For example, going to the doctor or buying school uniforms and supplies, talking to his teachers, attending parent-teacher meetings. In this way the father will be involved in upbringing, his role will not be limited to weekend entertainment, and everyone will benefit from it.

It may also happen that despite the father’s desire to see the child, the latter protests against the meetings. It is important to understand that aggression can have different causes:

• Resentment towards father because he now lives separately.
• Resentment towards mother projected onto father. Since the well-being of the child now depends on the mother, it is dangerous to openly show anger at her, and the emotion is transferred to another figure.
• Adjusting to the mother's unconscious desires. The woman is angry with her ex-partner, and since the child loves her, he does the same.
• Feeling guilty before your father. The child feels that since he stayed to live with his mother, it means he betrayed his father. Guilt turns into aggression.

Don't follow your child's lead. Try to structure the issue of visitation, do not talk badly about the other parent and do not show that you are unhappy with your ex-partner or their meetings.

What to do if one of the parents does not want to communicate with the child

It also happens that one of the partners falls out of parenthood. In this case, the second one should first of all enlist the support of adults - friends, relatives, psychologists, and not seek consolation in the child. Children cannot become a support for their parents - they are not ready for this.

You shouldn’t tell your child that the other parent really loves him, he just needs to once. This will form the wrong idea about love, which can have a bad effect on the child’s future relationships.

If you don’t understand why your partner behaved this way, say so. Don’t come up with good or bad things about your ex-spouse, speak for yourself and assure your child that you will always be there.

For example: “I really don’t know why this happened, but I’m really sorry. I'm near!" This way you show that the child has someone to rely on, he is not alone.

When to see a psychologist

There are a number of factors that indicate that it is time to look for a specialist:

• A sharp change in the child's behavior. For example, if he turns from active to withdrawn, from calm to violently reacting to events.
• Sudden changes in the rhythm of the day and needs: changes in sleep patterns and eating behavior, manifestations enuresis or encopresis, the appearance of negative comments about oneself, one's appearance or behavior.
• Drastic changes in communication, for example, being closed off from peers.
• Emotional swing and the inability to cope with emotions that sometimes seem to “drown” the child.

Remember that it is okay to ask for help. When starting a family, no one plans on divorce, and it is difficult to prepare for this 100%. This is a period during which every family member needs support.