4 ways to regain trust after a fight and earn forgiveness

The publishing house "MIF" published a book "The courage to forgive and the freedom not to» Janice Spring, psychotherapist with 35 years of experience. The author challenges the notion that “forgiveness is always good” and tells how to survive the emotional pain due to the betrayal of a loved one.

In addition, Janis considers the conflict situation from two positions and explains how the offender deserves forgiveness, and the injured party is granted it. An excerpt from the chapter "True Forgiveness" is useful to those who want to figure out how to restore the trust shaken after discord and understand what actions to reinforce the words of repentance in order to demonstrate to the offended side their desire to truly change.

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1. Do high- and low-cost actions to restore trust

In my recovery book after betrayal I described the concept of high- and low-cost actions that help restore trust. Your "spending" will be primarily emotional, not necessarily monetary.

Low-cost actions you can do regularly to demonstrate that your repentance is sincere; they come relatively easy. High-cost actions require more. Often they require a major sacrifice, as a result of which you will feel discontent or resistance.

By choosing the appropriate redemptive actions, you have an obligation to give the injured party what is important to them, what they need to trust you again.

There is no formula or recipe for healing. The worst reaction is a weak reaction - when you do too little or too late. You may be asked to make a significant contribution to this relationship - not to shed a few drops of blood, but to agree to a full transfusion. In this situation, it is better to be overly generous than vice versa.

When the time comes to plan your remorse, don't think you'll come to an immediate understanding. I advise you to designate needs that person, either by asking them exactly what you can do to win back their trust, or by writing your own list and asking them to tell you what items mean the most to them.

If you want to be forgiven for cheating, basic low-cost steps to restore trust can be the following:

• change your phone number so that your ex-lover can't reach you;
• invite your partner to call you at any time;
• if you met with a former lover or received a message from him, immediately tell your partner about it;
• give your partner copies of phone and credit card bills;
• read and send e-mail only in the presence of a partner;
• telling your partner if you are angry or annoyed with them, rather than storing feelings in yourself, as you may have done in the past.

High-cost actions can be the following:

• change jobs if you and your lover work in one office;
• change housing if you and your lover are neighbors;
• formally break off relations with a lover in the presence of a partner;
• transfer a significant part of the savings to the name of the partner.

Here are some high- and low-cost things you can do in other cases:

• study your childhood trauma together with a specialist and write a letter to the injured party in which you tell what you learned about yourself and your behavioral patterns;
• recognize the justice of the accusations of the injured person and significant people for him (spouse, children);
• respect the injured person's need to distance themselves from you (for example, don't touch them when greeting them if they want to);
• Don't pressure him to forgive you.

2. Complete the Destructive Thought Chart (TDM)

Another way to show remorse is to complete the Destructive Thought Chart (TDM). This table, designed Aaron Beck, will help you track down and refute negative or inconsistent thoughts that influenced your perception of the person you offended and how you behaved towards him. Here is an example of filling.

Table of destructive thoughts

In the first column, note the objective facts about what happened, without the admixture of thoughts and emotions that you feel about it. In the second, describe how you feel at the same time: insulted, humiliated, hurt, depressed, do you experience anger, anxiety, irritation, etc. In the third column, write down your automatic thoughts, the ones that immediately pop into your mind. Do not try to correct them or formulate more elegantly. In the fourth, try to counter these automatic thoughts by looking for cognitive distortion.

This exercise is based on the fact that your thoughts feed emotions, but often they are false or irrational. By adjusting them, you will change your emotional reaction, it will become less violent and more appropriate for the current situation. For more information on how to deal with destructive thoughts, you can read Dennis Greenberger and Christine Padesky at book "Mind rules mood" and in labor “Good health. The New Mood Therapy by David Burns.

Let's take the example of Mary, who used TDM and this "cognitive corrective exercise" to earn her husband's forgiveness.

Maria grew up in a large noisy Italian family. “Everyone was talking at the same time,” she told me. You involuntarily learn to raise your voice to be heard. My mom has a temperament like a dragon, she was constantly arguing with me and my sister, we were arguing with her, and everyone let off steam. My husband George is from another planet. In his family, it is customary to ignore conflicts and live in silence. When I get angry, I break loose. For me, anger is the release of emotions. It doesn't mean anything. For my husband, it's the end of the world. He, of course, provokes me, but I do not remain in debt. He's already on the edge. Perhaps one more quarrel - and we divorce».

Here is how Maria filled out the table.

Column 1: describe the situation. We were hosting a party and I asked him to hang four flower pots outside while I ran errands. He was at home with our two small children. When I returned three hours later, the flowers were in the same place, and the computer was turned on.

Column 2: Describe your feelings. I am angry. I would cut his head off.

Column 3: Write down your automatic thoughts. I asked him to do one tiny errand, and he didn't do that either. Do I have to do everything myself? Of course, he has a lot of time for a computer.

Column 4: Critically evaluate automatic thoughts.Ask yourself: are my thoughts correct? Are they productive? My reaction is typical for me? How else can you do it?

Are my thoughts correct? In truth, George did a lot for the family today. He took the children to the park and weeded the garden while they played in the yard. He later told me that he didn't hang the flowers because he wouldn't feel comfortable on the stepladder with the tools when the kids were running around. He turned on the computer for a minute while the children ate.

Are my thoughts productive? I jump to conclusions and see everything in black and white: I am perfect, he is insignificant; I I'm toilingand he is lazy. As a result, I talk down to him, which makes him angry with me and does not want to do anything.

Is my reaction typical for me? Yes. I need to calm down and watch my tone. I grew up in a completely different family than George, our conflicts were resolved differently. What seems harmless to me is fatal to him—and to us. I turn on too fast and I'm losing my temper.

How else can you do it? I could ask him what happened instead of immediately assuming the worst. I could ask him when he would complete my assignment. For him it is important. So it needs to be important to me as well. If I change the way he wants, I will not lose. I'll even think better of myself if I try.

By monitoring the thoughts behind the act, critically evaluating them, and coming up with new, more constructive options, Maria showed that she really wants to become a more empathetic partner. Here is what she herself said: “In order for you to forgive me, it is not enough on my part to simply apologize and admit my behavior. I need to change my attitude towards you. I want to do it. I will work on it».

3. Notes with insights

Awareness notes are short notes or emails you send to the affected party to show that you are concerned about your own behavior and are trying to change.

Through this practice, you stop talking in general terms and share specific discoveries about yourself, as a result of which your repentance will be more thorough.

Victor chronically avoided conflict. When he did not like something, he either did not think about the situation or suppressed his feelings, telling himself that the protest would not solve anything, that his wife would only be offended and would take revenge. For many years he accumulated in himself grievances, one after another.

After 15 years of marriage, Victor changed wife with a woman he met on the Internet. When his wife Beth found out about this - their teenage son secretly read all of his father's frank correspondence - Victor was not himself with shame and agreed to some changes so that his wife would feel protected and beloved. Among them were notes with insights.

First, Victor listened to what Beth needed from him in the first place in order to start trusting again. She told him, “I want to know when you are sad. You are always very kind to me, you are generous and understanding. But I don't know what's going on inside you. How can I understand that I am pushing you away with some of my actions? I need you to come up to me, tell me - not anyone else. Not to someone else. Not even psychologist».

And Victor began to work on it: to be interested in his feelings and write them down in his diary every day, struggling with his natural tendency to avoid conflicts. When he didn't like something, he wrote a note with awareness and gave it to Beth.

One day he brought home flowers from the supermarket. “The flowers are not very fresh there,” Beth reminded him. “And for the future: we need two bouquets so that they look beautiful in a vase.”

Victor wondered how he felt. Formerly, he would have held back his anger until it subsided, then buried it deep inside. This time, he wrote Beth the following note: “It’s hard for me to admit it, I’m so used to avoiding conflict. Your remark was like a punch in the stomach to me. Say what you like about flowers, but I need to hear that you appreciate my efforts. I should be able to please you."

Beth tensed up when she read this. But at the same time, I saw in this gesture a manifestation of repentance and desire get closer. “This is better than when you shut up your feelings and pour them out in bed to someone else,” she told her husband.

4. Plan a Proof of Devotion Ceremony

It is important here to take the initiative and think through the details in order to say: “This is what I believe and am going to do.” You can perform the ceremony in front of your children, relatives or close friends, not necessarily in front of the general public.

First, you can read aloud what you are going to do for the person you offended, thereby accepting responsibility for the future of the relationship and restoring mutual closeness and care. For example, you might say, “I promise to once again put all my efforts into making you feel loved and protected. I promise to stop drinking and go to anonymous meetings alcoholics at least six times a week. I promise not to bury my feelings, but to talk to you when I feel hurt or annoyed." Then the second partner reads out his promises.

All of these exercises help to make the injured party feel secure and loved and strengthen the process of forgiveness. Time alone will not bring you back to the old feelings.

The Courage to Forgive and the Freedom Not to Forgive is a book that will help you deal with betrayal and move on with your life. It is useful for those who seek to get rid of the desire to annoy the offender and want to reconcile with themselves and others.

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