What to do if your own child infuriates you, - says children's writer Natalya Remish

Is it normal for your own child to annoy you?

Yes. Often, until the baby arrives, you don't even realize what real irritation is. This happens because children systematically violate our boundaries, about which they know nothing.

These boundaries in babies are initially erased physically, because they appear from us, they are constantly in our personal space, hugging us or, conversely, fighting.

Then they begin to violate our psychological boundaries: they shout, interrupt, cry. Children have no ethics, they don’t understand that you shouldn’t go up to your mother and say: “Mom, why you have such a fat butt? Children put pressure on all our pain points physically and psychologically like no other another.

Parents usually experience two main feelings for their child: total tenderness or total irritation.

Of course, if mom has helpers - dad, nannies, grandparents, aunts, uncles - it is much easier for her to cope with this irritation, she can rest. And if she is constantly alone with the child, most likely, this feeling will be experienced much more often.

Why do we get angry with the child

The reasons may be different, it depends on the specific situation and the parent. But basically it all boils down to a few factors.

Fatigue

This is the main reason. When we talk to adults, we usually hold ourselves back because they might fight back. But the child is not, so we can break loose on him.

And the baby is the only person out of all those around who will love you for no reason. So you can do the most terrible thing, but the little child will still love you. We know this, so sometimes parents can lose their brakes.

childhood trauma

Inside each of us sits an offended little girl or boy with their childhood traumas and experiences.

We, too, were once offended by our parents, so at the time of an acute situation with a child, we ourselves can fall into this childish state. So, if a child asks for a fifth candy, he can irritate his mother, who was not given a single candy as a child.

Unmet expectations

In dealing with children, we constantly encounter them. You can plan a wonderful calm family breakfast in a cafe, and your child will not live up to these expectations: he will turn over a cup of coffee, will not want to eat his food, eat yours, will run around the cafe. And parents are faced with such situations everywhere.

The most important thing is to always be prepared for the fact that such a scenario is possible.

How to deal with irritation

To do this, you need to take several steps.

lower your expectations

The child most often acts according to his own code of conduct. For example, he cannot sit quietly at the table for a long time, for him the norm is to constantly move. And for a two-year-old, the norm is to constantly answer “no” to everything. It is important to take this into account when planning leisure activities or when going to bed, for example, and reduce your expectations from the baby. It is better to imagine all possible situations and take into account past bad experiences.

Recognize emotion

It is also important to understand that the problem is with you, not with the child: it is you who are angry with him. Mothers often do not admit that it is they who are angry, saying that it was the baby who brought them out and the problem is in him. But the child most often simply behaves according to age and stage of development.

Our task as an adult is to understand and admit that we are now annoyed.

Recognize that there is an emotion, but there is a reaction, and the difference here is very big. Emotions are what is inside of us, we have a right to them. And the reaction is what we merge onto the child, and here you can restrain yourself. You can feel rage, but stop and not scream.

Work with yourself in the moment of irritation

To recover, you can go beyond the brewing conflict: go to another room, drink a glass of water, turn on the music, take a deep breath, jump in place, give the child something in his hands and switch to his cup coffee. All this changes our physical and, as a result, emotional state. This will help you stay in the moment. irritation.

Very often the irritation is accumulated. It is important to ask yourself the question: what annoys me so much at the moment? Perhaps you accumulated negativity during the day, and the child's behavior was the last straw. It is important to calm down and monitor this condition so as not to dump it on the baby.

Learn about child psychology

We can expect from the baby what he is not capable of: absolute obedience, calm behavior. Often this happens because we know little about the psychology of child development and our expectations do not match reality. Therefore, it is important to learn more about what at what age is the norm.

What to do with a child who does not obey

Speak. Even if the child is hysteria, you need to take him in your arms and take him to a safe place, speak out his emotions, say that you understand his anger or resentment, wait until these emotions come out of him.

In order not to lose your temper, it is worth remembering that the baby is in hysterics not because he is ill-mannered or you are a bad parent, but because there are internal reasons for this. Maybe he is tired, he has sensory overload, there are too many people or events around - this is a physiological and psychological feature of age.

Some believe that if the child is not cut off, then he will be spoiled.

This is due to the fact that some parents are accustomed to driving the child into a rigid framework: I am a mother, which means that I must be obeyed. It seems to them that this is how you can raise a person who is able to respect other people's borders.

They don't take into account that in the long run it works the other way around: you suppress child's emotionsand he doesn't learn to deal with them. Such a child will be quiet until he reaches puberty, when he becomes psychologically and physically stronger and begins to show aggression.

Forget about punishments and lectures: they only undermine the child's trust and spoil your relationship with him. You just need to talk, without humiliating the child and respecting his personal space. He must know that he is important, his opinion is valuable. Then he will be self-confident, will begin to value himself and form as a healthy person, which is difficult to influence somehow badly in the future.

What to do if you still broke into a child

Of course, with all the awareness, you can still break out on the child. In this case, it is important to apologize and explain to him that the problem is with you, not with him, and you should not have behaved like that. Admit that you are very angry, but these are your emotions, to which you are entitled.

Parental aggression is unacceptable and the child should know this.

He needs to be taught this, because if you yell at him and beat him, then others will behave the same way. carry on with him, and he will consider this the norm.

If you are worried that the child is too small to understand you, then it is worth considering that children read not only words, but also glances, intonations, and facial expressions. Even the smallest can be conveyed that you were wrong.

Of course, if the baby is systematically beaten, then apologize, then beat again, there will be no effect, we will not grow up a healthy person. It is important for us to sincerely convey our regret to him, and then think about what is wrong with us, why we behaved this way, what is happening in our life at the moment. The reason, most likely, is not in the child, but in other events that scare you, make you angry or annoy.

How not to feel guilty

All parents periodically experience negative feelings in relation to children. After all, the closer a person is, the stronger such feelings can be. For example, we are most angry with our mother, and not with the teacher at school. It is the same with children who are close to us, and this is normal.

Guilt haunts parents all the time.

Especially moms, because no matter what they do, they're never good enough. Therefore, it is very important to lower your expectations about yourself and understand that you cannot be perfect in everything. In addition, when we expect ideality from ourselves, we expect it from a child.

You have to learn to lower the bar for yourself. To understand, for example, that if you are physically unable to cook soup for a child now, it’s okay, he will eat a sandwich, and you will exhale and gain strength.

Why You Should Always Choose Yourself

A healthy parent selfish parent, so it's important not to ignore your needs. When we put our child in the first place in everything, we burn out, get tired, begin to break down on the baby, demand too much from him. And it is important for a parent to stay normal, to feel good, so that he has strength.

For example, if you are dead tired and your child wants you to read a book to him, offer to turn on an audiobook instead and just lie down next to him. This is a small step forward.

It is important to give yourself some relief, because children do not see the horizon.

They may demand more and more, no matter how much you give them. Therefore, it is important to try to explain that you are tired, that you need to rest.

If this is your systematic communication, the child will quickly understand you. If he doesn’t understand in any way, you can say more strictly and impressively that you have no strength and that he needs to be patient and give in. The main thing is to explain that it’s not about him, and not to humiliate. Then sooner or later he will learn to accept it.