Why is it difficult for us to accept compliments and how to learn to do it

You've made yourself some coffee and are returning to your seat when your boss walks past and praises your work: “Great report! Especially the graphics are very easy to understand.” What will be your first reaction?

a) Joking: “Sometimes I need to do my job.”

b) Return the compliment: "It's all thanks to your help!"

c) Smile awkwardly and quickly change the subject: “Did you watch yesterday’s match?”

d) Brush it off: "Nothing special, just doing my job."

e) Praise others: "It was a team effort."

f) Convince him that you are not so good: "The result was not the best, and here's why ..."

If recognition of your accomplishments sometimes makes you uncomfortable, you are not alone. Many find it difficult to accept compliments and react awkwardly to them, just like in the examples above. Results of a study involving more than 400 people showedthat 70% of people associate compliments and recognition with embarrassment and discomfort.

It is easy to attribute such a reaction to low self-esteem, but everything is a little more complicated. According to author of the book “Psychological First Aid”, psychologist Gaius Vinci, people with low self-esteem it is often uncomfortable to receive compliments, but not everyone who is uncomfortable receiving compliments necessarily has low self-esteem.

Why do we feel uncomfortable accepting compliments?

Since we generally have a complicated relationship with praise and recognition for our achievements, there is no simple answer to this question. But usually we are embarrassed because compliments take us by surprise.

In their book Surprise, Tanya Luna and LeAnn Renninger describe surprise, such as an event or observation that is either unexpected (“I didn’t expect this”) or doesn’t meet expectations (“I didn’t expect this at all”). Any unexpected situation, whether it's a nice compliment we didn't expect to receive, or a bear we met in the woods, triggers the same process in our brain. It's called the Surprise Sequence and consists of four steps:

1. Instant numbness.
2. Search for explanations for what is happening.
3. Change of point of view.
4. Eagerness to share your experience with others.

Surprises often bring joy and excitement, and for some people even good news can cause cognitive strain (stage one). As their dopamine levels rise, their hearts may start to beat faster, their pupils dilate, and their palms sweat. According to Luna and Renninger, an emotional experience of this magnitude can be uncomfortable and unsettling. As a result, there is a desire to disconnect from it in order to feel comfortable and stable again. By rejecting praise from other people, we subconsciously try to regain control over the situation in which we feel emotionally vulnerable.

After the initial surprise, we begin to look for answers (stage two). We are trying to understand why the person said what he said. And this can be quite difficult when someone else's positive opinion conflicts with our own negative self-image. Moreover, we are affected confirmation bias — a cognitive distortion due to which we look for information that confirms our point of view, and refuse the facts that refute it. So when we are congratulated for a great presentation that we believe we failed, the compliments can be annoying.

When surprise is intertwined with self-image, it can make it difficult to process pleasant compliments. We begin to use praise as a shield against future failures and disappointments. We are afraid that if we accept a compliment and rejoice in it, and in the future we deceive the hopes of other people and our own, we will further damage our self-esteem.

Thus, many awkward react to compliments because of a subconscious desire to defend themselves. Unfortunately, this approach often makes it impossible for us to connect with other people and receive their kind words about us.

How to learn to accept compliments

To turn anxiety over compliments into joy, you need to understand the rest of the steps in the Surprise Sequence.

After trying to find an explanation for the received compliment (second stage), we begin to change our point of view (third stage). We add new information to what we already know about ourselves. For many, this means shrugging off the compliment or discounting it.

But with a little practice, we can learn to take compliments in a healthy way, even if we initially disagree with them. Sometimes it's enough just to share your experiences with others (stage four) and thus distance yourself from the situation and feel better.

It is unlikely that you will learn to accept compliments overnight. It takes time, effort and practice. But here's where to start.

Understand that compliments are not addressed to you

When someone compliments you, they are talking about their experience of what you did and how it affected them. Perhaps you prepared a report at the last minute, missed an important part of the presentation, or overcooked pasta. But when the other person says they enjoyed it, it's important to understand that it's about their experience, not yours. He talks about what he experienced. Accept this point of view and treat it with respect, even if you do not completely agree with it. Start with a simple "thank you".

Rethink your own vulnerability

You may not change your natural response to compliments, but you can look at it from a different angle.

Luna and Renninger advise thinking of your vulnerability not as weakness, but as openness. Praise does not always have to be unexpected and intimidating. Treat it like an opportunity chat with others and understand how they perceive you and what you do.

The next time someone compliments you, try saying, “Wow! It's a completely different look." Gradually, the anxiety will pass, and you will begin to treat compliments as pleasant and harmless surprises.

Be curious about your past

Many of our involuntary responses to compliments are learned behaviors. They are influenced by what we see, observe and learn from other people. For example, if your parents laughed it off or brushed off compliments, you can do the same. If you notice how your classmate was teased as "sweet" or "darling" because the teacher praised him, you may subconsciously avoid similar situations for fear that this will happen to you.

To dig deeper and understand why you find it difficult to accept compliments, here are some questions to help you:

• What is the acceptable way of receiving praise in your culture or religion? Maybe just say "thank you", thank god or dismiss her without looking up? There are no wrong answers here. It is important to observe what you were taught in the past and how it affects your reaction now.
• Were you often or rarely praised as a child? Did your parents rejoice when you got an A? Or, on the contrary, they asked why this is not a five plus? What feelings did you experience then? How might this affect the way you accept compliments as an adult?
• There are unspoken rules in your house that concern praise? In some families, not scolding means to praise, in others, on the contrary, pleasant words are spoken to each other as often as possible. And how are you?
• When you were a child, did you notice insincere praise in your environment? For example, did parents flatter someone before asking for a favor, or did teachers regularly praise one student to make others jealous? Did your loved ones smile in someone's face, and then gossip behind his back? All this may be the reason why now you doubt the sincerity of compliments addressed to you.
• Have you had times in the past, at school or in your family, when you were praised or not praised, and you felt embarrassed? For example, after praise, did you hear “Nothing special, don’t flatter yourself” or “Just don’t get too arrogant”? How could this affect you? How can you re-evaluate your past experiences in order to change your behavior in the present?
• When someone's compliment takes you by surprise, how do you most often react? Are you joking, shrugging off, or doing something else from the examples at the beginning of the article?

The ability to accept compliments begins with awareness. The more you understand your thought patterns and the impact they have on you, the easier it is to change them. Yes, it is a complex and time-consuming process. But as a result, you can safely accept compliments, even if you think you don't deserve them.