Why conflicts are needed in relationships and why their absence is dangerous

Why can't a couple have conflicts?

First, let's agree on terms. We will assume that a conflict is not necessarily a quarrel with smashing plates and loud swearing. You can find out the relationship without the bright special effects. And here's why it can't be

There could be indifference in the relationship

There is no way that in any situation two different adults think exactly the same. After all, partners are not clones of each other, but people with different characters, habits and experiences. And besides common interests and priorities, everyone has their own - important and valuable. Different positions sometimes lead to misunderstanding, but as a result, they help people and relationships develop.

Imagine that you have a disagreement. For example, you really want to go to the sea, and your partner thinks that you can relax in the country. He considers it necessary to invest money in serious education. And he thinks that a trip to the sea can be postponed for six months or a year.

If it is important for you to agree with a partner, you will probably try to explain your point of view to him. And tell me why you need a change of scenery right now. He will defend his position - this is conflict.

But sometimes a person is not at all interested in what the partner really thinks and how he is going to act.

In such relationships, people often turn their backs on each other - literally.

For example, at home, everyone is stuck on the screen of their laptop or smartphone. Events on the screen are more interesting to them than what is happening a meter away from their chair. And everyone has their own vacation plans, as well as money. For relationships, this situation is very dangerous: it can lead to break.

One of you may be afraid to anger or upset your partner

This case is more difficult. It happens that it is difficult for someone from a couple to tell what exactly does not suit him. He is afraid that the partner will perceive his words inadequately - he will be offended, angry, disappointed. This will end the dialogue, but the relationship will become more tense.

Therefore, those who do not like something prefer to remain silent. He can hope that the situation will somehow resolve itself, and without complicated conversations. This happens if a person has already had to deal with misunderstanding or neglect before, and not necessarily in a current relationship. And now he is afraid to open up - suddenly again he will face indifference or aggression.

It happens that both partners adhere to this position. They can hide their dissatisfaction for a long time, although a frank conversation would help solve problems faster. But everyone is waiting for the other to read his thoughts and guess for himself that something is wrong. Of course, this doesn't happen. Dissatisfaction accumulates, and relations become cooler.

The danger is that one day there may be complete indifference, as in the previous paragraph. And then the relationship ends altogether, leaving only pain and disappointment.

What problems can a lack of conflict cause?

It will become more difficult to understand yourself, understand the other and strengthen mutual understanding.

It will be harder to see what is important to you

In order for your partner to know how you see the situation, you need to explain it to him. But first you have to formulate your point of view, and simply and clearly. While you are looking for the right words, you yourself will better understand what you consider important and where borderwhich you will not allow to be violated.

And also - identify your needs that you do not want and cannot ignore. After all, the cause of the conflict is usually become it is they, and not at all the reasons that lie on the surface.

For example, a loved one again did not take out the trash, although he promised to do so. Perhaps he did not want to offend you at all, but simply forgot to take the package before leaving the house. But you are hurt because of his inattention. So much so that I want to arrange a serious quarrel.

It's not about the waste bag. It is worth figuring out what your needs have been left unattended.

Maybe you really need care, and the discarded garbage is a detail that will show that your comfort is important to your partner. Or maybe you want confirmation that a loved one respects and appreciates you, and therefore will not allow himself to let your request go unnoticed.

When you see not superficial, but deeper causes of a quarrel, you will better understand your needs. Well, if there is no conflict, then there will be no reason for analysis.

There will be fewer opportunities to get to know your partner and understand their motives

The same principle applies here. If a quarrel has already occurred, you can figure out which important needs partner went unnoticed. If he doesn't talk about them himself, ask questions. The most important thing here is a dialogue in which both participants try to see the situation from the point of view of the other.

This does not mean that you will have to admit that your partner is right and you are wrong. Understanding a different point of view does not necessarily mean sharing it.

Psychologists figured outthat couples where people often conflict, but each at the same time seeks to understand the other, are usually quite strong. At the same time, partners do not have dissatisfaction and resentment, even if both remain unconvinced. It's just more important for each of them to be understoodthan to be sure to be right.

If there was no quarrel, then neither questions nor answers to them will appear.

You may not see that relationships are a value worth fighting for

It often happens that the biggest part of negative emotions goes to close people. In the presence of strangers, a person can be extremely polite, but with his own he allows himself to relax. It restrains negative emotions in the office or in transport, and at home it may not hide a bad mood.

And he starts to scold the brawler from the store, not very smart colleague, boss-tyrant and bad weather this year. The partner has to listen to all this, and sometimes - to calm and bring to life a loved one. And this is also a conflict.

Often these situations show that relationship in a pair - a great value, and you need to cherish them. After all, each of us does not have so many people who are ready to listen to any complaints and accept our sarcasm, bitterness, disappointment in the world and in ourselves.

If such conflicts never happen, then you are a very reserved and polite person. Or even at home you do not feel that you are safe - and this is a reason to be wary.

It will be harder to learn how to compromise

In this matter, the most important thing is practice - that is, real life situations in which you managed to figure it out.

If two people have different views and no one wants to give up their point of view, you need to look for a third position - one that suits both. It may seem to some that compromise is a betrayal of oneself and one's interests.

But if you understand that each point of view did not arise from scratch and is worthy of attention, it turns out that there are no wrong ones.

Moreover, it is worth not to find out who is to blame at all, but to immediately look for ways to solve the problem. You may find that there is not only one way out, as it seemed at first. And not even two. There are many more of them, and among them there will surely be one that will suit both.

Received Skill search for compromises can be used in any difficult life situations, when it seems that there are no good solutions. Well, if there are no conflicts, then there will be no practice.

It will be harder to notice that change is needed

Sometimes conflicts arise because both partners have grown out of the scenarios and frameworks that once helped them. For example, one of the couple stopped looking like an insecure child who needs someone to “pat his head” and be touched by any, even the most modest achievement. Now he or she feels like an adult who needs to discuss business with an equal, intelligent and attentive interlocutor.

Sometimes the cause of misunderstanding can also be changed life circumstances, in which the old rituals and rules are no longer effective. In such situations, you can accumulate discontent and avoid quarrels in every possible way. And to wait for the other half to find a way to do the same thing as before - he must, and it does not matter that he is now uncomfortable.

That's just because of this you will feel uncomfortable. After all, the problems that one clearly sees, the other may not notice. As a result, it will accumulate irritation, which one day may lead to an explosion. And repairing the relationship will be very difficult, if not impossible.