Why our society is unhappy and how to change it. Opinion of psychologist Victoria Shimanskaya

Is our society happy?

If all people had a highly developed emotional intelligence, we could talk about a very humanistic happy society. After all, emotional intelligence in its true manifestation helps to achieve a state of happiness, and not only through a hedonistic approach to life, but through what in the ancient world was called eudaimonia.

Hedonists live for pleasure: delicious food, buying new things, vivid impressions. This creates a feeling of endless pursuit of pleasure. That is, external factors make them happy. Eudemonists find this state thanks to internal support: when joys, accomplishments, difficulties, and even losses do not lead them out of balance. They feel happiness and harmony in every moment of life.

Emotional intelligence is a resource that allows a person to find support within himself, and moreover, to live not only for his own happiness, but also for the happiness of other people.

But on data WHO, one in four people in the world suffer from a mental disorder, and the level of depression and anxiety is only increasing. Only in Russia more than a trillion rubles

spent to buy antidepressants.

How does this affect the development of the economy? People who burn out and don't feel job satisfaction are naturally unproductive. Because of this, companies develop less efficiently.

At the family level, people with insufficiently developed emotional intelligence do not know how to work with their anxiety, aggression, anger. This leads to a lot of conflict and divorces. Children at this moment do not receive sufficient support from their parents, cannot cope with their emotions on their own and grow up, often repeating parental mistakes. As a result, we have, roughly speaking, an unhappy society.

Why Emotional Intelligence Is Lacking

Speaking harshly, it is easier to manage convenient people who experience certain emotions, but most often suppress them, acting “as is customary”.

Therefore, for a long time the development of emotional intelligence was not given sufficient attention. In Singapore, the UK and some other European countries, they are only now actively introducing a socio-emotional approach to learning - when children are helped to realize their state, manage their emotions and, thanks to this, tune in to the educational process. This is even at the level of kindergartens.

In Russia, too, they began to talk about it more often. However, this approach was not systematic enough, so now we see that emotional intelligence is not at the highest level.

Often people themselves do not fully understand the importance of emotional intelligence.

In society, there is still a trend towards success and achievement, and there is a myth that emotions allegedly prevent one from achieving heights.

As if their control, pinching is the most winning strategy that will help achieve recognition or fame. However, it is not.

There are many studies that show that leaders has a developed emotional intelligence. It is necessary to lead people. In addition, it helps in the realization of oneself in any profession. Especially now, when routine and monotonous work is automated and soft skills come to the fore: stress resistance, communication skills, leadership skills.

Technologization strongly influences the development of emotional intelligence. Yes, when parents got washing machines, irons, microwaves, it became easier for them to free up resources to communicate with their children.

However, another problem emerged: digital technologies began to strongly influence the interaction of people. On the one hand, they are still a colossal resource - with the help of them, for example, you can communicate with relatives who are very far away. But at the same time, people are becoming more withdrawn, as technology allows them to be alone with the phone, replacing communication parents and children.

Gadgets are not a problem. The problem appears when a substitution occurs: boring - a gadget, no time - a gadget, eating poorly - a gadget, whims - a gadget. This disrupts the development of communication and emotional intelligence in children.

But that is not all.

I don’t want to be categorical, but low emotional intelligence is also partly related to the level of violence in the world.

During wars, for example, people have to actually block empathy and empathy for other people, otherwise it is difficult for the psyche to cope with this.

Mass upheavals affect how emotional intelligence develops in society.

How to change it

Of course, you are unlikely to be able to influence the development of emotional intelligence in all people on the planet. However, you do have the tools to make your life and the lives of those around you a little better.

1. Start with yourself

Emotional intelligence is the ability to notice your emotions and feelings of other people, understand the causes of their occurrence and, as a result, be able to manage these experiences. I draw your attention: you do not need to control emotions, as many often say. Control means clamping, and management is aimed at living your feelings competently and without negative consequences.

To find out the level of your emotional intelligence, you can read the tests MBTI And SKILLFOLIO. After passing the last one, you will get the result not in the form: “Your EI: 70/100”, but a sweep of different parameters: how stress-resistant you are, empathic, open to new things, conscious and so on. This decomposition is very important.

Some people think that emotional intelligence = empathy. But this is only one of the components.

In fact, in addition to it, there are more than 16 parameters that determine the level of this type of intelligence. When you know how developed each of them, it will become clear how to increase your emotional intelligence.

The first thing you can start with is to develop an observer in yourself, to fix what emotions you feel at the moment, what thoughts accompany them, what state the body is in.

To do this, you can keep a diary of emotions. Entries in it can be presented in the following form:

1. Start with the wording: "I feel ...". List emotions, thoughts, sensations in the body.
2. Define the reason: “Because…”.
3. End the sentence with a conscious decision: “I would like to…”.

2. Change relationships with people

We can only control our emotions, words, body. We cannot forcefully change others. Oddly enough, if we tell everyone in a row - parents, relatives, friends - how wrong they are behaving, our emotional intelligence will decrease.

Instead, you can start building a dialogue with people in a different way. For example, ask them: “I understand correctly how you feel now irritation because of this situation? Would you like it to be like this? And I would like it to be so. Let's figure out how to do it together. After all, you and I have a common goal.”

I would encourage all readers to consider what they can do in each conflict situation. Perhaps to explain something to your opponents, to formulate your thoughts in a different way, to talk about your emotions and why something is very important to you.

There is a very good practice. Keep in mind an interesting provocative phrase: “Intentions are always positive.”

It's hard to accept the first time. But try to imagine that even when your relatives scream, get annoyed and seem to do everything out of spite, they do it with the best of intentions.

Their intention may be positive, but the action with which they are trying to convey this is inadequate, and we react first of all to the action. Seeing the intention behind him, we will be able to tell our relatives that we understand them and are ready to find a solution to the problem together without shouting. At this moment, when you have truly accepted it, you will build communication with another person in a completely different way.

For example, a woman is very worried about her son, who came home late. When the son appears on the doorstep, the mother with low emotional intelligence starts yelling at him: “Where have you been? Yes, how could you! You don't even think about me!" Her intentions are positive. This is about taking care of your son and yourself. If she had recognized this intention herself, she would have structured the dialogue differently.

The same mother, but with high emotional intelligence, says: “Sun, I'm glad you came. I was very nervous. Let's think together about what we can do so that I don't worry and that I'm sure you're safe. For example, we will agree that you return home before 22:00.

A son with high emotional intelligence, in turn, could ask himself questions: “Why is mom crying now? Why is he screaming? Why is he cursing?" After all, a person can perform the same action from different motives. If she is worried about him, then you can say: “Mommy, thank you for worrying about me, but I am ready to assure you that, firstly… secondly… thirdly…” If we guessed this intention, then the person will quickly calm down and say: “Yes, thank you for being understand".

It is important to note that sometimes people behave incorrectly because of a positive intention towards themselves.

Some people really yell at others because they need to relieve stress, and not because they are worried about someone.

Then, when we understand that a person is screaming not because he is actually angry with us, but because of his inner pain, then we can accept a conscious decision: we are ready to help a person live this pain without reacting to hurtful words addressed to us, or we are not ready to talk to him in such a way. condition? So there are two possible answers:

1. “Perhaps you are screaming right now because you are in a state of arousal. If you want, we can drink tea together, run around, shout. And then we'll talk."
2. “Sorry, I’m not ready to talk in that tone. If you need help, ask, but I won’t communicate like that.”

Expand Influence

Of course, social-emotional learning practices should be introduced into schools and kindergartens. I have a course specifically for educators. I have already trained thousands of specialists, but my dream is for this discipline to be introduced immediately into pedagogical universities. This will radically change the situation in the education system for the better. Therefore, it is worth bringing this issue up for discussion in working groups or at parent-teacher meetings.

Also, within the framework of the school of parenthood or the school of pregnancy, it is worth implementing projects that will help fathers and mothers solve their psychological problems. By doing this, they will understand what difficulties they may face - for example, postpartum depression - and how to support themselves in this moment.

I also think that it is necessary to create and sponsor radio stations and channels where professional, proven psychologists will answer people's questions. Everyone can go there to get support.

To delve deeper into the topic of emotional intelligence, you can read:

• D. Goleman,Emotional intellect. Why it might mean more than IQ».
• R. Sapolsky,Biology of good and evil. How Science Explains Our Actions” (chapters about managing emotions).
• IN. Shimanskaya, "Emotional Intelligence for Children and Parents».
• IN. Shimanskaya, G. Kushnareva, "And what? An easy guide to getting out of difficult psychological situations».
• Books and videos on the practice of meditation.