How to recognize toxicity in yourself and get rid of it

It’s usually pretty easy for us to recognize toxicity in other people: this person is being overbearing, and this one is being rude to everyone. But discovering your own toxic personality traits or behaviors is much more difficult. It may take years for us to realize our shortcomings and stop making the same mistake.

Nobody is perfect. Even the best of us behave inappropriately sometimes. This may be due to an unresolved trauma, an inappropriate role model, or an imbalance between social and personal life. Often we notice that something is going wrong only when others begin to move away from us because of our words and actions. Two signs will help identify the problem in a timely manner.

1. Frequent bouts of self-pity

Seeing ourselves as a victim is a defense mechanism that gives us the illusion that we can avoid responsibility for our actions. Although in reality such a strategy only leads to stagnation and decline.

Of course, it's nice to pretend that we are not to blame for anything and do not owe anything to anyone. But in reality, such a view of the world works like self-fulfilling prophecy and ultimately secures the status of a victim for us. In addition, by constantly presenting ourselves as the injured party, we allow difficult situations to rule our lives.

For example, in the face of serious obstacles, we consciously or subconsciously decide to give up, instead of gathering strength and at least trying to overcome them. We learn to find comfort in the thought that we are just a powerless victim, the whole world is against us, nothing can be done and let fate decide.

In one study, scientists assumedthat the victim complex is a consequence narcissistic personality disorders. People with this disorder are much more likely to perceive ambiguous social situations as an attack on their personality.

What to do

• Use positive affirmations. For example, “I deserve better. I am valuable. I deserve love."
• Change the hackneyed train of thought. Every time you start thinking about what not good enough, remember the moments when everything was under control, and you were pleased with yourself.
• Stop comparing yourself to others. Especially if it all comes down to the fact that you are worse off or have fewer resources to make your life better. This destructive thought pattern only reinforces the status of the victim.
• Breathe. You have to stop and calm your mind. Focus on thoughts and feelings that force you to believe that it is better and easier to give in to difficulties right away than to try to cope with them and risk failure. And then throw them aside and replace them with others where you are not a victim, but a fighter.

2. Trying to project your reality onto other people's reality

When we manage to climb out of a deep hole of suffering, our natural tendency is to share our success with anyone who is willing to listen. It may seem to us that we are superhumans, that we have comprehended the structure of this world and that our way of solving problems is the only true one.

However, attempts to influence others by distributing unsolicited advice right and left, often lead to unpleasant consequences. When we impose our “truth on life”, we only push people further away, ignore their reality and neglect their experience.

If something worked in our case, this does not mean at all that the same method will help solve someone else's problem. Solutions work best only when they fit the person, experience, and situation.

What to do

• Let others make their own decisions. Come to terms with the idea that you just need to be there. Often, when a person complains, all he wants is to be listened to and understood, and not taught about life. Instead of giving advice, you can say, "I can see you're changing, and I'm always there if you want to talk."
• Do self-analysis. If you find it difficult to express empathy, ask yourself what you would like to hear if you were in a similar situation. This will help you find the right words.