“I just lay at home and mentally crawled towards a mental hospital or a cemetery”: what is it like to live with an obsessive-phobic disorder

I am 27 years old, I am from Krasnodar. And I've lived with an anxious obsessive-phobic disorder since childhood.

At the moment of exacerbation, I did not know what was happening, I could not find a person who would understand my condition. I am sure that the realization that I am not alone would give me relief. That is why I want to share my case and support those who understand that something is wrong, but do not know where to run and how to live.

How it all began

I realized that I was suffering from an anxiety disorder with autonomic crises (panic attacks) only 2 years ago. It didn't come easy for me.

Before the new, 2021, I simply could not get up - in the literal sense. There was no strength at all. When she finally got to her feet, they buckled. I was terribly frightened, called an ambulance, they sent me to a cardiologist. No heart problems were found, and after the examinations, the doctor prescribed a tranquilizer and drugs to strengthen blood vessels.

I moved to my mother in a small town near Krasnodar: it was impossible to live alone. I had no strength, I could not even take a shower while standing. I had to put a small stool right in the bath and sit on it. I had enough minutes for 10 activity, then only to lie down. I took vitamins, tried to drink juices, eat fruits and vegetables. But there was no appetite. Sometimes meals are over vomiting. The tachycardia did not go away, I was constantly sweating.

On December 31, my mother and I went to buy food for the New Year's table. I fell in the middle of the marketplace and couldn't get up. People helped bring me to the car. A taxi driver helped my mother to drag me home.

We called an ambulance again, but the doctors could not do anything - they just injected me with a sedative and offered to be hospitalized in the therapy department. But I refused: I could not imagine how I would end up in a ward with strangers, completely exhausted.

I went through all the medical portals on the Internet, trying to understand at least something myself. As soon as the doctors got back to work, I tried to get to the cardiologist so that I could be prescribed another treatment. I was given nootropics and vitamins, the doctor insisted on continuing the treatment with tranquilizers, although they only made me feel worse.

The tension in my head grew. I had seizures that I can hardly describe even now.

Something like a panic attack, combined with a feeling of grief, hopelessness and depression. Every day it got harder.

On the first working day after the holidays, I got ready for work, but never arrived. I called the ambulance again. Pulse rate - 160 beats per minute, high blood pressure, weakness, tremors in the body and the feeling that I'm going crazy. I literally lost control of myself.

At some point, there was a feeling that I could lay hands on myself, just to stop feeling it. It was impossible to endure mad weakness, tension in the head and a constant feeling of nausea. I just couldn't live like this. I was terrified that this would never end.

Efforts to establish a diagnosis continued. I wandered around to different doctors, of course - paid ones. I passed a hundred tests, did an MRI of the brain and blood vessels, an ultrasound of all organs of the abdominal cavity and vessels of the neck, checked thyroid gland. But there was no diagnosis.

Now this really surprises me. None of the doctors even mentioned a psychiatrist or even a neurologist. I was treated by therapists, a cardiologist, an endocrinologist. The list of drugs was replenished, standard light sedatives or daytime tranquilizers were prescribed, which should have helped, but just didn’t suit me.

What happened next

I was afraid to be alone, I cried constantly and ate almost nothing. Mom suffered a lot, looking at me, and this aggravated my condition even more. She had never experienced anything like this and didn't know how to help. It got to the point that I stopped going out onto the balcony: I was afraid to jump out of the window. In all seriousness.

It shocked and frightened me at the same time. I am a very positive and cheerful person, and then suddenly the thought of going out the window ...

Oddly enough, I was saved by the fact that the state of the nervous system worsened even more.

It became double vision. It was possible to read or watch something only by closing one eye. I went to an ophthalmologist and even did a CT scan of the eyeballs. Physically, everything was fine.

Then I packed my things and returned to Krasnodar. Mom took a vacation and went with me. There we visited a neurologist together. He was the first to mention depressive-anxiety disorder.

It was real luck. I got to an experienced doctor, professor of neurology. He prescribed me antidepressants and referred me to a psychiatrist. I didn’t take medicine: I was scared.

To everything else at that moment, the fear of myself was added. Am I inadequate? What if I harm myself and my mother? At some point, there was also fear in a fit of panic attacks to lose control, to kill myself and my mother. And these thoughts haunted me.

At this stage, I met derealization. There was an impression that I was not me, I was not there, and the world was unreal. And it's all a dream or a bad game. Derealization often accompanies patients with depression or anxiety disorders, and now I know that this is not a problem. But then I was like on the verge of complete madness.

I couldn't get rid of depression and anxiety. Due to double vision, she could not watch movies or read books. There was a fear of blindness. I had to take sick leave at work. I just lay at home and mentally crawled towards a psychiatric hospital or a cemetery.

You can describe for a long time what happened to me during this period, but it's time to end this terrible episode. There was a light at the end of the tunnel, though.

How was I diagnosed

I still got to a psychiatrist, but almost a year later. Panic attacks then lasted for several hours, I ran out into the street at night and wandered alone. Relief came when people appeared, rushing to work and study: I ​​was helped by the thought that I could ask for help and they would not pass by.

I kept close at hand the telephone number of the clinic where the psychiatrist went to the house on an emergency call. This helped too. I reassured myself that if I was really close to losing control, I would immediately call the doctor right at home.

The psychiatrist prescribed the same antidepressants, as the neurologist, made the final diagnosis. Since then, enlightenment has come. Now I still reproach myself for taking so long to visit the doctor.

So many months she lived in torment, although there were many opportunities to stop it.

It didn't take long for me to feel better. After the first visit, I felt a tiny bit of confidence that I was in good hands and could return to normal life. And about a month later, the panic attacks subsided, anxiety and obsessive thoughts persisted, but I fought them. Or rather, even like this: I just resigned myself and admitted that they are. And they won't go anywhere anytime soon.

I just lived and tried not to let these ailments spoil my life. She continued to take drugs under the supervision of a doctor, mastered the methods of self-therapy. At the appointment with a psychiatrist, we found out that the first symptoms of the disorder were in my childhood and teenage age. But then all this was attributed to a difficult character, emotionality and receptivity.

How are things now

Now I am not taking any medications. Together with the doctor, we canceled them gradually, there was no relapse. I have prescription antipsychotics in my first aid kit in case of an emergency - it makes me feel better. I always take pills when I go somewhere or leave for a long time.

If I feel anxiety, I try to call someone, start reading, or just mentally describe the people I see. Music helps me a lot - something invigorating or incendiary. When I feel tension in my body, I dance. Sharp, wild! And after that I feel freedom and peace of mind.

Every day I learn to live with what I have. I'm leading diary: it helps a lot. I switch my attention if I start to get hung up, I write lists of what is good when everything seems to be bad.

Sometimes anxiety attacks roll over and simply immobilize me, but I already know the enemy by sight.

The main thing is not to give in. You can control your brain. Every day I force myself to believe that anxiety is not terrible, that I am stronger than it, that these are just background noises that do not affect us.

A year later, I went to study psychology. It seems that thanks to everything that happened to me, I found myself. Found my way. I can say that my life has improved a lot since I started doing mental health. I managed to replace the question “why?” in my head. to “what do I need this for?”.

Beyond Therapy anxiety and intrusive thoughts, I actively engage in crisis therapy and self-determination. I got out of a terrible relationship and found true love, changed jobs. It sounds simple, but in reality it is not quite so.

I'm married. My partner is aware of my diagnosis, and so are some of my friends. I speak openly about this, I am not ashamed of my condition. Yes, it did. But you can live with it. I know.

What is the result

I hope that my story will help those who fight every day with an invisible enemy and do not even understand what is happening to him, but feel that something is wrong. I want to say: do not be afraid of psychiatrists! You are not a psycho, no one will judge you, and if he judges you, then this is not your problem, but his. On the contrary, you will find support, understanding, help.

The doctor will tell you what to do, how to help yourself. Many problems can be solved with psychotherapy or self-regulation techniques, without medication, or by taking them for a short time.

If you feel bad, hug yourself mentally and make an appointment with a psychologist or psychiatrist. And do not try to despair: this is not forever! Lightness and happiness will return again. Drag yourself to the positive, even if there are no forces. And I continue my fight and keep my fists for you!