How to find out what type of interlocutor you are, and why to do it

Sometimes it seems as if you are not talking to a person, but to a wall. The interlocutor does not ask any questions and answers in monosyllables, so it is not clear why the conversation should be developed at all. A possible explanation for why such frustrating dialogues arise comes from a young Ph.D., Adam Mastroianni, who is a researcher at Columbia Business School. He wrote interesting essay, in which he presented his classification of interlocutors.

What are the types of interlocutors?

Adam Mastroianni identified two types: "giver" and "taker". The “giver” perceives the conversation as a sequence of invitations to exchange remarks, the “taker” perceives it as a sequence of one-sided statements.

If the conversation involves interlocutors of the same type, as a rule, everything goes well. Problems begin when interlocutors of different types communicate with each other according to the usual pattern, where the "giver" gives, and the "taker" receives. In such a situation, the first one may be offended: “Why doesn’t he ask a single question?” Meanwhile, the second can enjoy conversation: "She probably thinks I'm a very interesting person!" Or, on the contrary, get annoyed: “I have the most boring job on light. Why does he keep asking about her?”

In other words, the “giving” interlocutor usually asks more questions, because he believes that this is how a good conversation is built. "Taker" - I am sure that it is better to communicate in affirmative sentences in order to make talk interesting.

How to know what type you are

In addition to the above, there are a few more criteria that will help you figure out who you are:

• What is your attitude towards pauses? When there is silence in the conversation, the “giver” thinks that he did something wrong, while the “taker” thinks that he should do something to revive the conversation.
• The culture of the society in which you grew up. If individualism is not welcomed in your environment, you may not be very comfortable being in the spotlight and talking about yourself and you are more likely to become a “giver”. And if individualism, on the contrary, was encouraged, you are more likely to be a “taker”.
• your personality type. extroverts are usually "taking" interlocutors, and introverts - "giving".

How to use theory in practice

People may have different views on the culture of communication, but everyone wants to be noticed. Try switching between the two styles depending on the needs of the person with whom you want to build a dialogue. If it is important for your interlocutor to be asked questions, take on the role of "giver". If you feel that he is uncomfortable talking about himself a lot, become a "taker".

When you are talking to someone who is technically lower than you in status, such as a subordinate, it is easiest to take the position of "taker" and allow the interlocutor to ask questions. But in this case, the communication can end very quickly. Therefore, if you are speaking from a leadership position, it is important to train yourself as a “giver”: ask questions and give replicas that the interlocutor can answer, invite to dialogue, and then listen.

Neither the "giver" nor the "taker" type of interlocutor is inherently bad. This classification helps to become a more conscious speaker and thoughtful listener. No matter what type you are, you have a lot to learn from the opposite side. Both of them are wrong. The “giver” is deluded into thinking that asking questions means being generous, and does not take into account that this can tire the interlocutor. The "taker" mistakenly thinks that his statements are always interesting.

In different situations, each of the types can cause a different reaction. For example, if you want to be the center of attention, the "taker" will annoy you. But when you feel like staying in the background, you will appreciate his contribution to the conversation.

Both givers and takers should learn to recognize the unique “opportunity points” in dialogue that help keep the conversation entertaining. If you are the “taker”, ask the interlocutor questions that he wants to answer. This will make the conversation unpredictable and exciting, and you will learn more about what the other person is thinking and feeling.

If, on the contrary, you are a "giver", stop asking questions and take on the role of "taker", responding to the interlocutor's remarks. So you will reduce the pressure on yourself and will not drag all the dialogue on yourself.

In addition, being the "giver" who begins to "take" more in conversation is a good way to test the strength of the relationship. If a loved one constantly talks only about himself, do the same. You will immediately understand how much he is interested in and values ​​you. If the “taker” ignores any attempts to transfer the conversation from his side to yours, it’s time to end all conversations and start communicating with someone else.