How to lose weight if you have already tried everything, but nothing worked

The publishing house "Alpina Publisher" published the book "Why I'm not losing weight." It was written by Anastasia Tomilova, a Gestalt therapist and specialist in the field of the psychology of eating behavior and overweight correction with twenty years of practical experience.

Anastasia identifies four types of eating behavior:

• the first - when food for a person is just an energy resource;
• the second is when food is support in certain circumstances;
• the third is when food is a drug that helps suppress emotions;
• fourth - when food is air, it is impossible to live without it even for half an hour.

With the permission of the publisher, we publish an excerpt about "professionals" - people with a third eating behavior.

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Strict diets and eating disorders: a vicious circle

“Professionals” are a very special type of losing weight people. This is not a very large, but very bright group. They know everything about losing weight, they have tried everything, read about everything, but... in moments of mental pain, they break down again and again - and they can never keep the result of the diet for any long time.

Food is both the best friend [...] and the main enemy, which seduces with its warmth and tenderness, and then leaves you with a feeling of disgust, sticky hatred for yourself, your body, for your feelings and for your life in in general.

At the same time, the rational component works only until the moment when there is a treacherous desire to eat “one little candy». And if it has appeared, the mind and knowledge quickly capitulate and we surrender ourselves to the hands of food depravity: After all, food makes it possible to relax, take a break from internal anxiety, tension and constant disappointment.

And the fact that they get fat from eating goes by the wayside. The first is what causes this overeating. When we want to eat a bun, candy, chocolate, we only remember how nice it is to eat deliciously: for us it is a kind of anesthesia. We remember about excess weight only later, after eating up to stomach ache.

But it’s not entirely correct to talk only about overeating: after all, “professionals” at some point really gather their courage and go on a diet. Each of them has several stories of successful weight loss. There are rarely more than five of them, but these are triumphant victories.

"Professionals" are especially fond of strict, even harsh diets - when you have to work hard, but you get a quick result. We really strain, maintain a diet, lose a significant amount of kilograms... During the period of intensive weight loss, there is no happier person.

It seems that just a little more, and we will lose weight, the world will open its arms for us, and everything will be fine. We are euphoric.

But, unfortunately, these periods do not last long. Sometimes a “professional”, having gone through nine circles of dietary hell, really loses 20–30 kilograms. For a while, we struggle to maintain the new weight. We throw away old clothes, firmly believing that we will never be “taki-i-i-mi” again. And then, after six months or a year, we already regret that we hurried to part with the old wardrobe. We no longer fit into new dresses or trousers, and the weight is growing rapidly.

Because life goes on anyway: in addition to losing weight, there are a lot of different events in it. An exhausted body and an exhausted psyche sooner or later begin to demand food and emotional release.

The emotional tension from separation from the only “comforter” that occurs during the diet period should at some point find a discharge. Discharge requires the body: it wants to eat. The psyche also wants relaxation: the tension intensifies, even if not felt or is not expressed in any way externally.

An eating disorder is a natural extension of a diet. For all. (Exceptions are extremely rare - in any case, there were none in my practice.) The only question is its degree - will it be sharp or smoother. Anyone after long-term dietary restrictions will certainly want to eat. And if food is also the main support, then the breakdown is likely to happen overnight.

But the peculiarity of people of type No. 3 is this: no matter how many breakdowns they have, they are always sure that only their “weak will” is to blame. In addition, “professionals” have very low self-esteem: they may look self-confident (and even self-confident) on the outside, but deep down they consider themselves unworthy and nasty.

A conditionally healthy person (types No. 1 and No. 2), when switching to a diet, feels that he is hungry and uncomfortable, and it is extremely difficult to follow all the instructions. He will think: a stupid diet, you won’t get enough of it at all, well, it’s completely! “Professionals” are not like that: they blame only themselves for any breakdown: “I am a rag. I was so beautiful while holding on. I took it and got it all…”

And a third type person finds the best solution, as it seems to him: to go on some other diet (or even on the same one). He prepares for it, but, as with any addiction, separation from his best friend and comforter is often marked by a “fuck off” party: “Tomorrow on a diet, and today hire to hell».

“Professionals” are characterized by what in everyday life is called a vicious circle. When a person finds that his figure is rounder than he would like, he goes on a diet. Then there is a breakdown.

After the breakdown, a new diet is planned. Then again a breakdown - and everything repeats.

A person who, at the moment of a breakdown, decided that he himself was bad, and not a diet, begins to walk in circles. Deep down, he is sure that if you try hard enough, everything will work out. Even if this "everything" is absurd and destructive in its essence. And that's exactly what diets are.

"I need a new diet, I can lose weight on it." These thoughts fill all the free time of the "professional". An important point should be noted. Self-esteem he, as mentioned above, is quite low, and losing weight becomes a fundamentally important goal for him: he has a feeling that this is what will make him feel truly “good”, “correct”, “desired” and etc.

Losing weight becomes a kind of hobby that people use to cover up a lot of other life difficulties. Everything else becomes secondary. The main thing is to lose weight.

I have a client, Liza, who is doing well in life, but has a food addiction. When I ask how you are doing, every time I hear the answer: “Everything is bad, overeat again on the weekend.” And she really believes that "everything is bad"; this is how it feels; perceives so. And if Lisa recovered, then she “everything is just terrible.”

In terms of emotions, waist problems and hips obscure many other things. If you immediately ask Lisa how things are at home or at work, it turns out that everything is fine. She does not even notice that this thought - "I overate and got better again" - crosses out for her all the good things in life.

A characteristic feature of type No. 3 representatives: thoughts about being overweight outweigh and devalue everything else.

This imbalance is largely due to the fact that the main problem of the third type is deep and not obvious, and not only for others, but also for the “professionals” themselves. This problem is relationships with people.

Life in society for type 3 people is associated with a constant, unchanging fear of rejection or external aggression, and most importantly, with a feeling of lack of control over what surrounds them. After all, the behavior of another person and his feelings are not controllable. And in the absence of such control, anxiety arises. “Professionals” often have childhood experiences of rejection, being ignored by others, high expectations and depreciation, powerlessness and emotional dramas.

Due to the fact that relationships with people are extremely important, but difficult and unpredictable, the focus is shifting to thoughts about being overweight. Here, too, far from everything is controllable, but there is at least the illusion of such control - or the hope of gaining it. So excess weight becomes a substitute topic: “I don’t want to deal with my life! You need to deal with excess weight, and then life will get better by itself. ”

It is very important to understand that the shift in balance towards harmony as a goal does not come from stupidity. The third type is, as a rule, smart, capable, successful people, excellent specialists, good parents and partners. This distortion is the result of a lack of love, which in childhood is perceived as a danger and turns life into an eternal struggle for perfection. There is a childish faith in the “professionals”: ​​as soon as we become good (that is, slim), everything will be fine with us. What exactly should become "good" is not even realized - it's just some kind of expectation of a miracle.

Thus, food becomes both the best friend and the main enemy of the “professionals”.

On the one hand, tasty food is very, very desirable to eat, it is very necessary, a person literally feels passion for it. On the other hand, after it, he begins to feel terrible: “I ate again”, “I will get better again”, “I am a rag”, etc. It looks exactly like the behavior of a patient with a classic addiction: here and now, food is a vital necessity, but after it it becomes bad (physically and, most importantly, morally), life seems terrible. Therefore, food is this is bad.

But, fortunately, it is the mind and the desire to solve the problem after all that lead these externally successful, but internally so vulnerable and insecure adults to a psychologist.

Black and white life

People of the third type are quite categorical and emotional. If the body is slender, then it is beautiful; if he gets fat, he quickly becomes disgusting, terrible, hated: “With a weight of 60 kilos, I am beautiful,” says Olesya. “And when I start to weigh, say, 63, then that’s it: I’m the most terrible in the world, everything is bad.” Even though “everything” may actually be good, the mood of such a person, his general condition, begins to depend very much on the number that he sees on the scales.

The “correct” number on the scales is euphoria, the “wrong” one is despair.

perfectionism and black-and-white judgments are very characteristic of people of this type. They treat other people much kinder, they can console and support when necessary. But they are ready to literally destroy themselves for the slightest mistake or a power failure.

There is an interesting paradox. If the weight does not want to decrease in any way, then a representative of type No. 3 can go and overeat “out of grief”. It would seem that the iron logic of achieving the goal requires you to behave differently. You are taking some action to reduce weight. Weight is not reduced. You continue the previous strategy in the hope that tomorrow you will achieve your goal. If you can't achieve your goal, look for another strategy.

But in our case, we see a rather sharp change in mood:Can't lose weight? Yes, burn it all with a blue flame! They all go to hell! I'll go eat something".

Who are "all of them"? These are, in general, abstract figures - those inner voices that require harmony from the "professional". But at some point he sends these voices in a certain direction.

People of the third type, rational and consistent in everything else, in the field of eating behavior and weight loss can act absolutely illogically, succumbing to affect.

Because of the invariably high number on the scales, they become so sad, so unbearably offended that only food can support them at this dramatic moment. After all, other people will not be able to understand, they will not want to understand!

The eating behavior of representatives of type No. 3 is already quite destroyed. It is really difficult for “professionals” to withstand food restrictions or stop in time when they have already eaten. It is also difficult for them to be picky about food: for them at this moment it is already divided into “harmful” and “useful”. Healthy food is the one you should eat, and unhealthy food is the one you eat. you want. So people of the third type also rush between "harmful" and "useful". Healthy food is often tasteless, but they have a strong belief that suffering is necessary in order to have a slim figure.

Why don't the "professionals" do it?

[…] “Professionals” turn to me when they feel powerless. After a series of diets and dietary restrictions, they seem to lose the ability to "pull themselves together" and go on a diet. These people sooner or later feel that they cannot cope with excess weight, cannot withstand any diet - and even more so “go to the hunger». They bring such a “legacy” of strict diets to me... with a request to return the opportunity to diet to them. Of course I can't.

If the body is already so scared that it requires food in the first two or three days of dieting, then this path is closed.

The patient has exhausted this limit of the organism. […] As soon as the diet looms ahead, as soon as the blood sugar, as soon as a person begins to think about food restrictions, the body begins to protest, demand food and no longer allows you to follow a strict diet. And before it did!

Then the “professionals” come to the psychologist. After all, they still think that the point is their weak will: “I used to be able to maintain diets, but now I can’t. So I'm a rag." I explain to the client that a psychologist cannot help “stop being a rag”, I talk about the neurophysiological factors of eating behavior, and we we build a work plan: we restore eating behavior and explore the psychological mechanisms that led the body and psyche to this state.

How addiction is formed

Psychological addiction to food exists. But this is a rather difficult question. For example, in International Classification of Diseases The 10th revision included a group of diagnoses “disorders food intake" (in the broader category - "Behavioral syndromes associated with physiological disorders and physical factors") and a wide variety of addictions, but the diagnosis of "food dependency no. Why? Because we are all biologically dependent on food in one way or another.

There is no official diagnosis of "psychological dependence on food" today. But I think each of us clearly and clearly understands what it is.

Food addiction is a conscious or unconscious obsession with food, a strong and irresistible craving for certain foods.

Addiction is based on the fact that the food itself (food products), and the process of eating, followed by a feeling of fullness, improves the psychological state of a person. At the same time, food is needed not so much for pleasure, but for relieving general mental stress. Thus, a person eats to feel better psychologically, otherwise he is covered by tension, anxiety, fear. These feelings may not be realized, but they always exist - and become one of the reasons for such behavior.

Another reason is the inability to cope with their feelings and experiences. "Chronic struggle with excess weight" covers all other problems, as if they did not exist. Without thoughts about nutrition and excess weight, a person is anxious. Passion for them allows you to ignore the difficulties in relationships with loved ones, put up with the inability to feel true trust, forget fear be rejected.

Speaking about what addiction is, you need to remember what we call addiction and how it is formed. I will occasionally refer to Chapter 5 to show the difference between the second type and the third. The "theorists" emotional "jamming" is colored with pleasure. Let's say a person Bad mood. He ate a piece of cake - his mood improved. It's nice. And therefore, food improves the condition. It is needed only to improve the condition, which is caused by reasons that have nothing to do with food.

However, if we are talking about dependence, there is a situation that is outwardly similar, but has a very strong, fundamental difference from the previous one. A person interacts with the object of addiction so that he does not get worse. Thus, the connection with food in food addiction is so strong that without overeating a person feels bad. If you do not overeat, then you can inadvertently think about those life's difficultiesthat you want to run away from. And this is absolutely unbearable.

For my type 3 clients, I offer a series of exercises that help you quickly master the skills you need in the field of nutrition […]. We achieve the desired result - that is, overeating goes away. However, short-lived joy is replaced by anxiety, distrust: “Is it really so simple? I don't want to eat the whole cake anymore. And in general it is too sweet, fatty and tasteless.

Then the anxiety intensifies:

• "I'm starting to think about my relationship with my husband";
• “I began to notice that I don’t feel much pleasure from work”;
• «Mother in the conversation she again undertook to devalue me, but again I did not answer her.

After a while, a food breakdown occurs. But not because the person is on a diet! We have corrected this. But, faced with his life's troubles, the "professional" is so scared that he does everything to return to his favorite problem. Typical complaint: “Of course, I don’t overeat anymore, but I don’t lose weight like that either. fastlike on a diet. I decided to starve for a few days - well, I broke down, of course. Nothing helps me."

The basic psychological state of a person prone to addictions is generally characterized by tension, anxiety, self-doubt, and fear of rejection. Addiction becomes a means of coping with these difficult conditions, distracting from feelings seething inside with feelings about addiction.

In fact, a person overeats in order not to feel worse. He needs food to close himself from the unpleasant and incomprehensible. The periods when he feels good against the background of normal nutrition are extremely short. Once again, we note that there is a cardinal difference between eating behavior type no. 2 and type no. 3. In the first case, food is pleasure. And with addiction, food helps at least come to a zero sum - in order to find peace, so as not to be torn apart by internal fears and conflicts. We are not talking about a good state, it is unattainable, we are talking about a tolerable state.

The main psychological factor responsible for the formation of addictions is the environment in which a person lives with early childhood: the presence of support and warm relationships, or rejection, neglect, constant evaluation and criticism.

And of course, much is connected with psychological trauma and difficult events experienced in conditions of shortage. support and acceptance by others.

If we see dependence in an adult, then we can assume that his parents or relatives who raised him most likely, they were not sensitive enough to his needs and needs, and the emotional feedback with the child was very weak.

In other words, parents have a lot of requirements for such children, but at the same time, children do not have enough resources. Rather, access to resources is limited. And the main resource for a small child is the love and attention of parents. In our case, the child receives attention only after he fulfills the requirements.

"You must be good, you must be successfulYou should be my pride." And it seems to the child that if he meets these requirements, he will receive support and love, he will be able to feel peace and security. But this almost never happens - because "there is no perfection in the world," as it is written in a good children's book. Because the requirements that adults dictate to a child are not connected with love. They are caused by the fact that the parents themselves experience anxiety, tension, fear and simply cannot give the child either peace or security.

The child in this case must cope with his emotional tasks on his own - without the slightest support. Therefore, he is looking for something to support himself. Quite often, it is food that is the most accessible way (in this book we are talking about food as an object of addiction, but it is quite possible that other forms dependencies).

A child who does not receive emotional support "jams" certain negative states.

In the future, as a rule, he begins to gain weight - and adults have another requirement. They are not happy at all child "fat", therefore, from their point of view, he must lose weight. Why am I talking about adults and children? Because, as a rule, this problem only manifests itself in primary school age (or in adolescence). And it starts in early childhood.

So, an overweight child is required to lose weight. However, food remains for him one of the few available ways of self-help. This is where the conflict lies. On the one hand, food is something that comforts, and on the other, something that destroys. Formed classical picture addictions: yes, I can enjoy it, but it's too expensive.

Very often, people with a similar attachment to food have other addicts in the family. For example, father suffering from alcohol addiction. Among other things, this means that the family does not know how to cope with stress and parents are not able to tolerate either their own emotions or the expression of feelings by the child.

Thus, if children in such a family have one or another emotional reaction, then they, like adults, have very few resources to cope with it. Moreover, they tend to ignore what they feel. As a result, tension builds up and sooner or later breaks through with an affect, an emotional outburst.

Candy is better than people?

Just now born the person is completely helpless. Only other people can protect him and take care of him. Therefore, from birth, we are interested in good relations with others. Moreover, the existence of such relationships is the key to survival. At the natural, biological level, we need someone close by our side.

If all is well, then attachment provides a sense of security.

If a close and reliable person is nearby, our brain feels calmer.

This is a basic need that is present in all of us.

Ideally, a person in the first year of life acquires a basic trust in the world. But in reality, alas, everything is more complicated. People don't always get what they need. Many of those who face psychological problems in adulthood, in childhood, were deprived or almost deprived of this experience - peace and security. And when there is no peace, a person remains anxious.

The need for another person, I repeat, is basic. But if we don't get what we need, we get used to feeling anxious around other people. When a strict mom can leave us alone at any moment, then communication with mom - and then with any person - will cause anxiety.

This is how difficulties arise in relationships. But at the same time it remains need in safety and tranquility: a person seeks to satisfy it at any cost. If it is not possible to achieve this from a loved one, then a replacement naturally appears - an object of dependence.

The internal resources of a person (and, consequently, independence, autonomy) can only appear in the event that there is a base for them - the ability and ability to calm down, being in security. If a child gets used to the fact that his mother is nearby and is not going to leave him, then by the age of one he has formed an “inner mother” and he is relatively calm about it. brief absence. And then - and longer. But if he lacks positive experience, then constant anxiety makes him insist on the presence of his mother, to achieve it by any means. There is an addiction.

Food becomes a means that gives peace for a short time.

It is she who is easily accessible, who, unlike adults, does not impose any conditions, turns into an object of reliable affection. It turns out that finding peace through food is easier than relaxing next to a loved one. Therefore, we so often go with our problem not to a loved one, but to the object of addiction: we head to the stove or to the refrigerator in order to urgently have a bite to eat. We already have relevant experience; we know that this will certainly give us peace of mind. Maybe not for long, but for sure.

And what about those around you? In a person with a so-called insecure attachment, people are associated with pain, anxiety, fear, although the need for them does not disappear. It remains - but makes a person vulnerable. Either he was often rejected as a child when trying to reach out to a close adult, or his parents left just when they were most needed. This is how it is formed mistrust to the world and people, the expectation of pain and betrayal. But, again, the need for communication remains.

When a child grows up in an atmosphere where the expression of feelings is not welcome, he tries to adapt to those who bring him up: he learns suppress and ignore your emotions.

There are really angry, aggressive parents. Then the child is simply afraid to express himself and his feelings, and those around him begin to be associated with danger. If a child runs to his parents or other adults with tears or worries, but every time he runs the risk of falling under a hot hand and face rejection, devaluation, or even physical abuse, then what basic trust in the world, what calmness can go speech? Open expression of feelings in such an atmosphere is dangerous.

The title of this section is "Candy is better than people?" - not accidental: I mean that a person who grew up in unsafe environment, perceives people as something unpleasant and frightening, so he goes to seek support in something else. Food can become a supporting object.

When we come with our misfortune to a vase of sweets, sweets simply give us pleasant sensations - without judging, without reproaching, without humiliating.

Food allows physiologically relax and, so to speak, completely accepts us. Against the backdrop of the fact that for any manifestation of emotions we can be condemned or shamed (that is, in fact, try to convince us that something is supposedly wrong with us), food becomes of great importance. Why? Because food in this sense is a safe object. She'll be fine, and she won't blame us for anything.

This is a mechanism for the formation of dependence. When the world and people are perceived as dangerous and not the most pleasant, a person feels lonely and needs support. In such a situation, he will look for something that will help to cope with these strong feelings. And maybe find food. Neither from sweets, nor from overeating in general, a person, as it seems to him, does not get anything bad - only support and a peculiar "Adoption».

The consequences in the form of extra pounds do not come immediately. In childhood, as a rule, few people care about “healthy fat”, so at first food is just a disinterested assistant. Thoughts about excess weight arise later. But it is important to understand that type 3 people do not have such a problem as being overweight on an unconscious level. On the contrary, they receive relaxation and calmness. In the unconscious layers of the psyche, food is still fixed to a greater extent as a way of support.

It is "professionals" who often become customers plastic surgeons. They do not like their body, therefore they are convinced that supposedly “something needs to be done” with it in order for it to become different. Therefore, they choose the most strict diets, the most complex procedures (for example, painful massage), the most exhausting workouts. Man hates his body and rejects it.

What about extra weight? As a rule, in representatives of the third type, it is quite noticeable - from 20 to 30 kilograms. After all, during periods when any diet invariably ends in failure, a “professional” can quickly enough get fat.

What to do "professionals"?

If you have stated that you have the third type of eating behavior, then most likely you have repeatedly gained and lost weight. […] What to do? First you need to realize that being overweight is not your main problem. The main problem lies elsewhere.

You have a very poor idea of ​​yourself, what (what) you are, but you know well what (what) you should be.

You do not pay attention to your feelings and think that for recreation you need some good reason: fatigue is for wimps, you think.

You may argue that this has nothing to do with the problem of excess weight. No, this directly relates to the causes of overeating and, therefore, to being overweight. Moreover, the key to harmony is self-knowledge, attention to yourself and self care.

Exercises for independent work

1. Recall the history of your excess weight. Write his biography. When did you first think that you were overweight (or found out about it)? Who told you that you need to lose weight?

2. After you have compiled a "biography" of excess weight, answer a few questions that will help you better understand it:

• What would you like to achieve by losing weight?
• What did you dream about, losing weight?
• What words could you say to that / that, other / other self, which / which is at the very beginning of an endless journey to losing weight?

We have already identified your main problem earlier: you are ignoring your feelings and needs, forcing yourself to conform to a certain image. Interior the critic says that you will achieve happiness only by achieving perfection. But it would be great if you could pay attention to your real (real) self, see your vulnerability and sensitivity. Try to see your uniqueness in these qualities, and do not call them weaknesses.

3. What do you associate being overweight with? Mentally or on paper describe two images. What / what are you when you get fat, and what / what - when you lose weight?

You already know what one of the main difficulties of your type is: food is both support and the main enemy. Understanding this is essential to changing the situation.

So far, you are only aware of the "hostile" side of food: because it makes you fat! But strong emotions make you unconsciously turn to food as support. Do one more exercise to get a full understanding of the situation.

4. Continue with two sentences. Choose at least ten options for each.

• Food is my support because...
• Food is my enemy because...

What do you feel now? Do you understand that food saved you many times and drowned you many times? Of course, it was not food that “drowned” and “saved” as much as your own ideas about it (the meaning you gave it at one time or another), but this does not change the essence.

Now, remembering the whole history of your weight loss, you probably understand that the problem is not at all that you eat “wrongly” or behave “wrongly”. The problem goes much deeper. Of course, if your eating behavior belongs to the third type, it would be best to visit a good psychotherapistto understand why you demand so much from yourself, and in return give yourself only expensive things and delicious food. To understand why you do not trust people and want to control everything, why close relationships scare you or, on the contrary, overwhelm you, deprive you of a sense of your own “I”.

There is a lot of work to be done: food only dulls the pain that lives inside you. Therefore, to understand only the problem of food and eating behavior in isolation from everything else is meaningless.

You should not expect quick weight loss from just one trip to a psychotherapist.

But, having understood psychological problems, you will free the food sector from the unbearable burden that you have placed on it.

In the meantime, while you're planning your trip to the doctor, try another long-term exercise that will help you make some changes in your eating situation and realize even more deeply that it's not about food.

5. Start keeping a diary of emotions. During the day, notice and write down all the feelings that visit you during certain events. Try to experience these feelings, to “linger” in them for a while. IN diary mark which feelings are especially hard to experience, and which especially provoke the desire to eat.

Your task is to see and make sure that you are something more than just a "tool to achieve goals." And in order to put everything on the shelves, you really need a psychotherapist. Independently, without professional help, to understand the causes of overeating and eliminate consequences childhood psychological trauma is very difficult.

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Why I'm Not Losing Weight is for those who are concerned about their excess weight and want to establish a healthy relationship with food. The author will help you understand the true causes of overeating and tell you what to do next.