How to build a healthy relationship with your parents, if you do not have a child
Relations / / December 19, 2019
How to look harmonious relationship
That the interaction was comfortable, the participants have to deal with the position of adults, with which they are. As a "parent" and "child" no longer work, they are both equal. Let's say you had not come to pass in the linen closet friends, peers. Wardrobe and personal space of the child, as a parent, belong to them.
Any relationship that we are building between two or more adults - always about the ability to set boundaries. Border - this is not paling sky-high, and instructions for the other person as you need to contact.
Nadezhda Efremova, psychotherapist
It happens that the relatives are so accustomed to thinking of us with his continuation, that does not pay attention to the border. For example, you are an adult woman who lives alone and her mother on Saturday morning brought to you by opening the door with his key. Or do you have long brought his family and the parents expressed that your wife is wrong to raise children. All this indicates a misunderstanding of where their borders end and the beginning of others.
Nadezhda Efremova, psychotherapistIt works both ways. There is no way that a person keeps their borders well, and someone else breaks easily. If they violated someone else's, then, and he feels his bad.
When this happens, it is necessary to change the conditions - as well as when working with the counterparty. Do not expect that you will be understood at once. It will take time for all parties were able to adapt.
It is impossible to bring the relations to the level of "adult - adult", unless you are willing to take a responsibility in all my life. Declare that is not enough, you need to confirm the maturity of the actions.
You are not required to meet the expectations of their relatives. You should not judge - either positively or negatively. If you realize that you were in a dependent position, putting pressure on you, protect your personal boundaries.
Oleg Ivanov, a psychologist, a conflict, the head of the Center for settlement of social conflicts
How to talk to your parents about the importance of personal boundaries
To convey their point of view only in the dialogue. Psychologist Lilia Valiahmetova invited to note the nuances.
1. Understand why you this conversation
Retire and clearly specify what you want to achieve from the conversation that matters to you. Prescribe it on paper, you can advance to make questions or some of his suggestions.
2. Choose the right time
All the participants should be in a calm emotional state, eliminate the fuss and overexcitement. It is important that you have had plenty of time to chat, you are not in a hurry.
3. Keep track of conversations degree
During a call, move away from emotions. If you feel that boils, stop communicating better. Discussing something, talk about their feelings and respect to this: "When you do that, I feel something." The probability that you will hear in this case, more.
It is impossible to get personal, abuse, manipulation. Important limiting honesty! Without it, you will lose the trust of the parents, and the sense is not on a call.
Lily Valiahmetova, psychologist, coach and co-founder of the service selection coaches ollo.one
4. Do not expect that all will be adjusted in an instant
The conversation can not end the way you want. Well, if we can come to a solution that satisfies both sides. But even if you have not got the result, still can develop well. After graduating conversationPostponing it for later, you are giving families a chance to think, to analyze said. After some time, they themselves can come back to it and may approach the discussion from a different position.
How not to blame parents for their mistakes
Communication from the position of adults suggests that you see in the parents separate and distinct personalities. Be prepared to interact on equal terms as with another adult, not as a man who in fact parenting owe you a list of things.
Mom and dad in our childhood made certain mistakes. But parental role, if not the most successful - it's not the whole person entirely. And if we compare the whole parent person only by their function, we lose their integrity.
Maria Ėril, head of "The Psychology of Communication» Business speech company, psychologist, psychotherapist, business coach
Personality more widely: from an adult position our parents are people with certain difficulties, worries, torments. Find the integrity and deal with the present and not "mandatory for all senior" respect - it's just the only possible strategy for harmonious.
Can I stop to chat with parents
The ability to negotiate in many respects depends on what family and was brought up as a man. If your relative grew up in a family where respect and support, most likely, he has the skills of understanding their desires and emotions have been taken. Usually such people are relatively well aligned personal boundaries.
If the family cultivated a sense of fear and guilt, then the relationship can cause a lot of pain and suffering. The boundaries of the adult will be built poorly. Such people are not responsible for their words and deeds. In these cases, a compromise is hard to achieve.
lily ValiahmetovaIf from time to time you run into aggression, threats, pressure - end the conversation and minimize communication. You've done everything we could, therefore, have the right to build a dialogue with the relatives by your rules and to the extent in which you need it. You decide how much you are willing to communicate with him, at what time, on what topics, and how.
This does not mean that you stop the relationship forever. But if you really want to change things for the better, it is important not to give to manipulate and cultivate a sense of guilt. All this again trespass.
Nadezhda EfremovaIf you realize that you uncomfortable and the person can not hear you, then you need to quietly announce that such relationships are unacceptable to you, and to stop them. Do not be afraid of this period. Most likely, after some time you will be able to resume the dialogue already under other conditions.
How to raise a child, to your relationships are healthy in the future
If you build personal boundaries throughout their lives in accordance with the maturation phases, the relationship will develop harmoniously. It should be understood that the child - an individual.
Oleg IvanovPsychological merger normal for mother and child up to three years, but not for adults. Therefore, separation - the separation of children from their parents - an important stage of the formation of the human person.
The separation should take place gradually. In children 3-4 years it is desirable to make corner in a house where they could do their own thing. The child can and must periodically leave with a babysitter, grandparent. In 7-8 years, children may well have to be alone for a short time. Around this age, they can already be sent to summer camps.
The alignment of boundaries means that you listen to the wishes of the children. Maybe you used to be forced to embrace the second cousin grandmother, even though you did not want, or burst in without knocking at your room. All this has the opposite effect.
Separation of the child from the parents, the development of its autonomy and independence - the normal process. If it passes it is difficult if the parents are not willing to let the children have grown up, they will remain in the position of codependency. Children, no matter what age, will not be able to separate their needs from the parent.
Oleg IvanovSometimes it is necessary for the separation in the literal sense to increase the distance between the child and parents. It should flutter from the nest, to move to another city, for example to study. Often practicing trip with friends. However, the distance does not always help. When departure is perceived by parents as a personal tragedy, the child develops a sense of guilt for what he gave mom and dad.
And you managed to build a harmonious relationship with your parents? Share in the comments.
see also🧐
- When the family time to stop climbing into your life
- Separation: How to separate from parents
- No romance: what a co-dependent relationship and why it is necessary to tie them