5 signs you don't know how to love

People strive for love all the time, but at the same time perceive it as a gift. This approach does not help build quality relationships, but only puts a person in a vicious circle of falling in love, disappointment and new searches. Here are the signs that you don't know mature love.

1. You are looking for love instead of building it

It seems to many that it is enough just to find the perfect person with whom you match, like two pieces of a puzzle, and everything will be fine. If the relationship does not go well, it means that you are simply unlucky with your partner.

In the book "The Art of Loving» psychoanalyst and philosopher Erich Fromm argues that modern people, configured to consume, perceive themselves and others as goods in a store. The main thing is not to miscalculate with the choice.

This approach works, but only when it comes to falling in love - after all, for its appearance, no effort is needed. During the formation of relationships, people see each other through rose-colored glasses, do not notice shortcomings and want to be together all the time.

This condition is very pleasant, but it passes quickly. Yesterday's lovers begin to understand that the object of passion is not ideal, there is discontent, quarrels, mutual accusations. Then people part and begin new searches.

Mature love is a calmer and longer feeling. It is built not on a fleeting hobby, but on the understanding of a partner, jointly passed tests, trust and respect.

If every crush you have ends in disappointment, it may not be that you choose the wrong people. Maybe you just don't put in the effort to love.

2. You don't try to get to know your partner

Each person has a unique personality and experience, due to which he perceives the world in a very special way, inherent only to him alone. We are not able to look at reality through the eyes of another, but we can at least try to understand how he sees it and what he feels.

Often partners are involved listen and sincerely share experiences only at the beginning of a relationship. And during their life together they get used to each other and form an illusory opinion that they have fully studied their life partner.

Because of this attitude, a unique personality with a rich inner world turns into a function or a thing. And sometimes real acquaintance does not occur at all - a person immediately sees the other as a way to satisfy his needs or get something specific.

If a person is indifferent to what is happening in the life of his half, does not show interest in her problems and experiences, then there is no need to talk about love.

Consider whether you are interested in your partner. Are you listening attentively and engagedly, are you trying to understand what he thinks and feels, or are you just waiting for your turn to speak.

3. You don't care about your partner

People often do something “for the family”, while at the same time caring only about their own good and taking into account only their own needs.

For example, by inducing a partner to move to a higher paying job or move in a large city, a person does not think about whether he will be able to realize his potential and whether he will be happy, but sees only opportunities for himself.

However, mature love includes not only an interest in a person’s personality, but also care, a desire to help one’s half grow and develop.

This does not mean that one person takes responsibility for another as if he were a child, or solves his problems. But if one partner needs help, the other notices this and seeks to provide it.

At the same time, it is important that care includes respect and attention to the real needs of a person. In other words, you should not force your partner to do what you think is best for their growth and development.

This is help to an equal, and not an attempt to assert oneself at the expense of another, to become his parent or bind him even more tightly to yourself.

4. You depend on a partner

People often confuse love with addiction. The latter is characterized by a passionate desire to be close to the object of one's sympathy, the desire to merge with him into one whole.

At the same time, despite such attachment, people with emotional dependence often cannot even tell what is good or bad in their partner. They do not really see a person, but only use it to get rid of the fear of loneliness and rejection.

If one partner builds his life around the other, adapts to him, adopts his goals and values, then he gradually loses his personality. In a painful fusion, it is impossible to remain bright and interesting, to maintain one's integrity and express oneself in this world.

In addition, dependence is not compatible with freedom. A person is constantly afraid of losing the object of his passion, jealous, manipulates and strives to keep him close to him with all his might. This gives rise to conflicts and suffering, and on both sides: one suffers from the fear of losing a partner, the other from excessive control, resentment and manipulation.

A person values ​​relationships, but separates himself and his partner. Relationships are built on agreements, not manipulations, people have freedom of choice. This means that you can do without this person. But you choose to be with him.

5. You treat yourself badly

Loving other people starts with being good to yourself. Often, having not received enough warmth and acceptance in childhood, people try to compensate for this through relationships in adulthood.

This attempt is a direct path to emotional dependence. You will use your partner as crutches for self-respect, without being interested in his personality, real desires and needs.

If the person next to you also needs confirmation of the right to life, you can get a reliable symbiotic relationship, where each of the partners is dependent on the other.

Whether such a union will be happy is a moot point. If people have little in common other than addiction, the relationship is unlikely to be satisfying. Both partners will suffer arguebut stay together out of fear.

Therefore, before you build (or fix) relationships with other people, learn to love yourself - respect and take care of, accept fully, with all the advantages and disadvantages, treat with kindness and compassion.

By doing this, you will be closer to treating your partner the same way. To see in him a unique personality, not a function, to care for, accept, support aspirations and values. Be in love.