Where does hatred for an ex-partner come from and what to do with it

Let's be clear. We often can't stand our partner's former lovers, even if we've never met them in person. Ex-boyfriends and girlfriends can be the sweetest and kindest people in the world - it doesn't matter. We don't like them just because, and not because facts or intuition tell us that we can expect a dirty trick from them. And although we take this hatred for granted, it turns out that there are reasons.

Why We Hate Ex-Partners

When you have no obvious reason to hate your partner's exes, but you do it anyway, it can be for three main reasons.

Diffidence

If you lack confidence, then it can seem like all exes are perfection itself. Kind, smart, attractive, in a word - perfect. Therefore, you not only begin to constantly compare yourself with them, but also consider them a threat to your relationship and wonder why your partner chose you and whether he loves you at all.

Rivalry

In an attempt to demonstrate your superiority over your “ideal” exes, you may be doing things that are out of character for you. And as a result, hate them even more, because it is because of them that you have a need to constantly prove your coolness. In fact, a “third wheel” appears in the relationship, which you can’t get out of your head.

Jealousy

If you do not perceive the current relationship as reliable and safe, then you start be jealous partner, stop trusting him and transfer your feelings to his ex. Instead of looking at the situation impartially, analyzing what exactly is the trigger for jealousy, and talking with your partner, you blame other people for all the problems. And that's why you hate them even more.

How to deal with hate

One of the main responsibilities in a relationship is to throw a kind of "bridge" between your former and current partner. To do this, it is important to be as honest and open as possible about past relationships. The less we know about a person, the more we think out and inflate, drawing his image in our imagination. And the version that we come up with ourselves or that our partner comes up with for us may well deserve hatred.

To sort through your thoughts and emotions and see if your beliefs about your exes are valid, ask yourself a few questions:

• What exactly makes you worry?
• Are your feelings rational?
• What is the root of the problem?
• To what extent does the image of the former correspond to reality and do you distort it for the worse?

Talk to your loved one about your emotions and what triggers them. If he himself adds fuel to the fire, constantly comparing you with the former or remembering past relationships, set borders. Based, for example, on the following statements:

• "I don't want you to compare me to your ex-girlfriend."
• “I don’t feel comfortable when you share memories of past relationships.”
• "I'd rather not go where your ex-boyfriend would be."

If the problem is your lack of self-confidence or feelings of competition, remember that criticizing the other person and trying to "rise" at their expense is an unhealthy defensive reaction. It is better to focus on your inner world, deal with your own self-esteem and self-esteem. You can even turn to a psychologist to find a balance and feel safe in a relationship.

Hating your partner's ex for no reason is unproductive and harmful. And not only for your relationship, but also for your mental health. You can’t judge strangers solely because of the status of “former” or unflattering words of a partner addressed to them. Hate never leads to anything good, especially if it is based on self-doubt, rivalry or jealousy. And this destructive feeling is definitely not worth wasting your energy on it.