“Come on, I believe in you!”: why each of us needs an inner fan and how to grow it

The publishing house "MIF" published the book "You are good enough" by psychologist and coach Yulia Tertyshnaya. The exercises and step-by-step action plan described by the author will help you hear yourself and pay attention to your needs. An excerpt from chapter 3 will tell you how to gain a strong inner support.

self-confident image

Can you say that you are confident? What do you think a confident person should be like? Always resolute and unshakable? A fearless winner? Yes, self-confident people take full responsibility and know that you can't achieve your goal without doing anything. But that doesn't rule out doubt or vulnerability. Just confidence allows a man to turn weak sides to the point of support and better aware of their capabilities.

No matter how you answer the confidence question, it’s important to see all of your parts. In any case, they are always with you. The only question is how they manifest themselves in different areas of your life and which one dominates.

Action is a necessary condition for building self-confidence. So don't be afraid to take action! And if you make mistakes (which is inevitable and normal), turn them into experience, into learning. This is how you build your own success algorithm. Remember, Christopher Columbus was going to go to India, and opened a new world for everyone.

friendship with yourself

Watching the inner voices, the interaction of the inner parts will teach you to live in harmony with yourself. This is a great excuse to become your own best friend or girlfriend and let others do it, instead of gnawing yourself from the inside and living in a hostile world.

To develop self-respect for all your parts, you need to come to terms with your inner critic, which is sometimes very difficult. The fastest way is to grow another big figure next to him, your inner fan. To do this, it would be good to remember all your virtues, write them down on pieces of paper or stickers and attach houses where you will see them.

The inner fan sees all your failures, but still holds the position, reminding at difficult moments, and sometimes simply reading from the list, which you have already dealt with more than once, and successfully.

This helps your stability in the present moment in any circumstance. And do not think that you will relax and turn into a weakling or lazybones, are the arguments of the inner critic. […]

Such a fan is always for you, always with you and ready to help you reorganize into a successful streak. I would say that this is a character who, in any final, will take your side: “It didn’t work out now - it will work out next time.” Many people have had at least one supportive adult as a child. A kind neighbor, caring teacher, school coach, first teacher or beloved grandmother. Well, if you cannot remember such a person in your childhood, then you probably saw such examples in the lives of other children. Then you looked at other people's relationships with resentment, annoyance, and maybe with envy. But now you have such a figure inside, and it will always be with you. And on the outside, you just become more stable and collected.

One optimistic, confident after passing the exams, the girl called her friend to tell how everything went. She passed two tests, for one of which she received a "three", and for the other "two". A friend subtly remarked that, in fact, a deuce meant failure, not surrender. But this did not bother the cheerful girl, she was convinced that she had passed. This is an example of how the inner fan works. He will not blame you for the failure - on the contrary, he will smile and say: “Well done, I passed, albeit by “two”. If you want, then you can retake it for another grade. The fan will allow you to reduce the significance of failure and give you a resource for a second attempt.

You can stumble, make a mistake - the fan doesn't care. To him, you are always amazing and capable.

His task is support you in any circumstances, so that you do not fall into a pit of failure, but feel in order and keep the remote control of the authorship of life events in your hands, no matter what happens.

Why do we need a fan

Thanks to the support of the inner fan, your parts come into balance, the background evens out. You feel calmer and more reasonable, do not fall into an emotional grip, you can at the moment of acceptance difficult decisions to calmly think and observe their experiences as if from the outside, while feeling the support inside.

In fairy tales, when the hero goes his way, he will face obstacles and unexpected twists, but he will also have the support of the whole world with him. “Go there, I don’t know where, bring something, I don’t know what” sounds like one of the impossible things. But Baba Yaga will give a magic ball, and the Little Humpbacked Horse will take it to the right place and tell you what to do. There are always assistants who accompany, advise, help out. Joseph Campbell, American mythologist who studied the legends and myths of different peoples, named the path to the self, which the soul passes as it develops, revealing its full potential, "hero's journey». The hero goes into the unknown, does something that he has never done before, because he has support - always external at first. But, having gone through all the obstacles and having solved all the problems, he grows up, gains intelligence and spiritual strength, so that he can already rely on himself, on the center of his personality. He no longer needs outside help.

We often do not take into account the voice of a fan, we diminish his role, because critic clings to us with a stranglehold, teaches, raises the bar over and over again and does not let go on a new, unknown or ill-prepared journey. It may be appropriate and even useful in adolescence, but in adulthood, a merciless critic robs us of our self-confidence. If we study the experience of successful entrepreneurs and top managers, we can learn from these people the belief in a successful turn of events - it is she who allows you to start bold projects and be the first to take on what in the country or the world no one has done yet.

How to grow your fan?

Think of any childhood situation where you felt supported by a significant adult. Hear his voice inside. Focus your attention on the body, observe your condition. Notice how you feel right now. Perhaps you squared your shoulders and turned your chest, as happens in a moment of pride, and your feet are firmly and confidently on the ground. Remember this bodily state and place the voice of support within you. Promise you will listen to him every morningso that it will sound exactly on a difficult day.

When life puts you in a difficult situation, it is important to turn to internal support, drinking it to the fullest. And for this you need to remember about the fan every day. In the morning when you brush your teeth and in the evening when you go to bed. Thanks to such training, the fan will become a permanent character in your myth and will be able to oppose inner critic, which often grows out of the ground, like a mushroom after rain, when something goes awry.

• "Oh, you again!"
• "Failed again! I told you!”
• “Why are you going there? Don't know what might happen?!"
• "Choose the lesser of two evils!"
• “It's too risky! We'd better agree to another offer."
• “You won’t succeed, you won’t have enough skills and experience.”
• “But what about the others? What they will think?»

You have probably heard him more than once, this loud critic who doubts everything, fears spontaneity and always "I told you so." And he is always scared, very scared to follow his dream.

The feeling of fear attracts to you everything that you are afraid of. What can be done about it?

• Be aware of your fears and remember that "I am not my fear."
• If you are attacked by frightening thoughts, do a few cycles of mindfulness. breathing and try to feel calmness and confidence inside the body. Remember the events and circumstances when you felt that way, mentally transport yourself there and be filled with positive emotions.
• Imagine that everything you fear has already happened. Imagining living the worst-case scenario will allow you to free yourself from fear. See how you can deal with the consequences, and then "draw" the scenario you want. Ask yourself: what does fear want to tell me in this situation? You have two possible options. Or stay in place, so as not to take risks, or follow your desire for growth and development.

Questions for self-examination

• What fears stand in the way of your best life?
• What are your choices today that should be changed in favor of development, even if it comes with risks?
• Do you often feel sorry for yourself?
• What kind of reality do you get if you let fears take over?
• How would your life be different if you didn't have to be afraid?

Don't try to destroy the critic who is always angry and scares you. You need to raise a cool fan so that he declares himself as loudly. If this supportive figure becomes familiar to you, then even in tense situations when a grumpy critic wakes up, you can give the floor to a fan.

• "It's OK!"
• "Look how much you already know!"
• “Are there consequences? You can fix it, do this and do this.”

Your anxiety is reduced, inner approval is growing, and you can unlock the abilities of the "I" that was you have in a happy childhood - all the potential given to you at birth, all realized and not yet realized talents.

The critic is brilliantly persuasive, but the fan is able to charm even him. If the first believes that everything in life must be earned - recognition, attention, care, a kind word, a smile, love, gratitude, money - then the fan does not get tired of applauding you. Every day he reminds: “You did well! Just like that, because today you live, right here, in the present. You started running three times a week is great! Previously, instead, he sat, buried in the monitor, trying to redo the work for the year ahead. Oh, look how great: you made time for communication with your family and you don’t even get distracted by work calls! And at home, it turns out, it’s so cozy and warm!”

A fan loves to please you and give gifts. He takes your hand and says: “Let's go, I'll buy you something!” It doesn't have to be an expensive gift. Chocolate, lipstick, a book, a soccer ball, a mug with a funny inscription. Go play volleyball or football with friends, meet a friend in a cafe, watch a play or take a leisurely walk around the city.

And remember to focus. If you concentrate on the fact that "I'm a loser, I can't do anything," the corresponding signal enters the brain and you live a life scenario in which you Badly, difficult, scary. That is why train the habit of consciously focusing on achievements, best memories, successful decisions. Each time you will be easier and easier.

"I'm fine". "I've had enough right now." This is the base, the foundation inside, which every person needs, do not get tired of repeating it, even if people around disagree, scold or laugh.

Anyone wrong, but as long as you are alive, you always have the opportunity to try again (and more than once). At the same time, a qualitatively different signal enters your brain, strength comes, confidence grows.

Exercise

Make a list of “I’m great because…” or “I already did… [a list of your accomplishments since high school].” Look there more often.

Always in touch

How many gadgets do you have? A phone, one or two, a tablet, an e-book, a laptop, a computer, other devices… How many emails do you send per day? How many meetings do you have online and offline? Every hour we are attacked by a swarm of information that flies in without demand and settles in the mind.

Of course, all communication tools help us in our work, make it easier to complete tasks, but at the same time they create internal chaos, taking us further and further away from communication with ourselves. After all, even when we are alone, most of us still plunge into the usual stream of external noise. But can we connect with others if we don't find the precious connection within? If we are lost to ourselves? This is how you can fill the pause that you have taken only for yourself.

• Think about how attention is the best means of communication.
• Pay attention to what is within you.
• Observe the breath, thoughts, emotions, feelings, perception. Recognize all this.
• Notice what is happening in your body at that moment.
• Let go of judgment.

You don't need an iPhone to complete these steps, so put any devices aside and just close your eyes. To establish a connection with yourself, two minutes will be enough. Attention is as much a means of communication as the telephone. It allows you to roam the global network between mind and body and feel all the multiple connections between them.

Mindful breathing = mindful communication.

We notice our breathing only when it becomes difficult, when the nose is blocked or sore throat. We pay attention to it, because we are uncomfortable. But if we are able to carefully breathe, walk, sit, work, communicate, we get to know ourselves more and more. Here the same principle applies, which I have already mentioned more than once - from the inside out.

If you need to call someone, write a letter or message right now, take your time to push buttons and act on autopilot. You can always find time for one breath cycle. Ten seconds. And then dial the number, open the messenger. The connection quality will be better.

Exercise. Relieve stress and calm down

This exercise will help you relieve stress and calm down. Sit about two meters from the wall so you can see the line delimiting it from the ceiling.

Carefully look at this line, gently and smoothly, as if following it with your eyes. Start noticing line breaks. Repeat the exercise 10 times.

Practice will automatically put you in a trance state. After completing the exercise, you can close your eyes and sit like this for a while.

Exercise. Slow down the flow of thoughts

Practice will help you slow down the flow of thoughts, and you will become quieter and calmer inside.

Close your eyes and watch what thoughts come up. Here comes one, here is another, here is a third. Notice the beginning and end of each.

Move your focus to the pauses between thoughts.

Now mark the beginning of each thought, its end, and the moment of emptiness that follows it.

You can do these exercises in the middle of a busy day, especially if you're constantly making difficult decisions. For example, practice twice a day for three minutes. The brain needs to exhale, it is difficult for it to maintain constant activity. Thanks to short exercises, he will go into a neutral state, reboot and rest.

Fear as an ally

When we feel in order today, in the present, then from this state we calmly look into the future and are ready for various events in the current moment. We are able to recognize fears, heal wounds, give ourselves support, care and compassion.

But more often there is another option. We carry everywhere with us negative scenarios: everything will go awry and awry, the boss will be unhappy, now I will fall, fail miserably, fail again, etc. And here “fashionable” positive thinking turns on, which successfully creates a friendly facade, covering internal cracks and fractures. It's like sticking a poster on a cracked wall saying everything is fine. The poster, of course, will hide the defects, but this will not make them disappear. We nod like zombies muttering to ourselves, “Everything will be fine, everything will be fine,” as tension and fear grow inside because of thoughts about the future. It will not work to deceive life, therefore, what a person truly believes in works. Who knows, suddenly at some point, on the thousandth round of the “positive mantra”, you really will be able to relax, absorb this idea and connect with it. Or you can just be honest with yourself, ask yourself the question “What am I afraid of in future?”, look at your fear and turn it into an ally.

Often fear works like a blockage, because there is someone inside us who tries to protect and says: “Why do you need extra worries? Don’t even start, calm down, don’t get out.”

This is a moment of choice and honest conversation with yourself in order to learn to see both poles and act consciously. To take your fear by the hand and move towards your goals.

Watched a movie "Mr. Nobody»? It speaks so figuratively and beautifully about the choice that we make every day: from a cake to our path in life. And also about the illusion of choice and about the results of decisions that we make unconsciously. A conscious choice means that we determine for ourselves: this is what I refuse, but this I accept, this helps me grow and develop, and here I spend resources, time, health and finances to the detriment yourself. Otherwise, it’s like in a movie: “There comes a moment in life when everything around seems cramped. All decisions have been made. All that's left is to keep going. I know myself as five fingers. I can predict any of my reactions. My life is frozen in cement, all in seat belts and airbags. I did my best to get to this point, and now that I got there, I'm bored as hell. The hardest thing is to figure out if I'm still alive."

Everything around seems cramped... I really want it to be different, but it's so scary to make a choice and finally get out of liquid concrete, where it's boring and there is no joy. And then begins marking time, which brings nothing but irritation, regrets and predictability.

What to do with this fear? Remember raccoon cartoonwho is afraid of his reflection? Mom advises him: "And you come and smile." Here you are, smile.

Start loving your fear. We always have fears and doubts, but they only show those parts of ourselves that need attention and acceptance.

They have a huge resource hidden in them, and possibly a talent that wants to manifest itself. As an exercise, you can make a list of your fears and see which ones you can control and which ones are out of your control.

You can always change your attitude towards what is happening. Working with yourself, with your inner state, allows you to distinguish between such moments, separate your reaction from the fact to which you are reacting, and make an informed choice.

The more time and attention we devote to resource practices, the better we realize our true needs and desires. We learn to live in the current moment and accept it as anyone. We begin to live, and not live the day on autopilot, we begin to feel alive and learn a lot about ourselves.

Exercise. Dealing with fear

Feel your fear. Define it. What is he? What kind of discomfort does it cause?

Scan your body. Where exactly is the fear? In the stomach, chest, throat or legs? Describe it using as many characteristics as possible (color, temperature, shape, etc.). Place this fear in front of you, giving it some kind of image. Ask him to show you the worst thing he thinks can happen to you. Live this moment. Let any emotion be until it runs out. And be sure to watch the "next series", in which circumstances will turn out even worse, and more, and more - as far as the imagination can go. Write a script scary moviewhere the hero remains alive until the very end. I hope at this moment you will feel relief. Get to the point where you sincerely say, "Oh, okay, I don't give a damn." Find a point where you are alive and ready to act, taking your fear with you.

Often we are afraid to enter a dark room because we do not know what is there. I suggest that you carefully study what is in the place where your fear lives. When we carefully consider it, unfold the darkest scenario, we realize that even after failures, failure, defeat is life - then support appears inside.

After that, you will find that fear is not at all as terrible as you thought. Trying to get rid of him is what heightens the tension. That is why attention to fear in the body helps to dissolve it.

Treat fear as something that helps you to strive towards the goal. When you confront him, he devours your strength and energy.

Facing fear openly forces your body to rewire, and then the next time you encounter something similar, you will react in a new way. Remember the "I'm great because..." list? Confidence tends to accumulate with victories. In addition, the imagination tends to exaggerate everything and see the threat where there is none. Following your fear and learning how to feel comfortable in an uncomfortable situation, you:

• expand your range of possibilities;
• become more purposeful;
• learn emotional stability;
• control what happens even in situations that seem out of control.

And then fear becomes your ally and turns from a problem into a resource for action. You will be ready for any life vicissitudes with the confidence that you will cope with everything.

How strange it is to live well!

Allow yourself to live well.

Just good.

Right now. Under given circumstances.

With the inputs you were born with. You can just live well - well for yourself. This is a personal choice that requires reflection and work with yourself. It's like imagining life as a long smorgasbord, noticing which part of it you're in and what you're doing with it. It is important to learn to enjoy what is offered and move to where there is what you need.

We are accustomed to looking where we lack something, into a lack. Notice what is not in front of us right now, focusing on it.

The "voice of insufficiency" raises the flag and constantly gnaws from the inside. This mental habit robs us of the ability to live in joy. We go into survival mode, and the glass of water for us is more empty than full. We often look at what we don't have before we start anything. There is no education, experience, money, beauty, health, property, intelligence, confidence, talent - everyone comes up with his own. We do not allow ourselves to live well in the current moment, postponing real life for later. And often The most important things remain unfinished.

Then it's a myth.

The only question is how to get what we have now.

We can persuade ourselves to do unpleasant work: “for the sake of something or someone”, “temporarily”, “be patient a little”, “everyone lives like that”. This is how we learn to separate fun from work, pleasure from work, using the mechanism of neuroplasticity and delimiting the map of the brain. The right question in the moment is "Why am I doing this?". It allows you to unpack your personal motives and connect business and pleasure in the moment. If it doesn’t work out in any way, then maybe this occupation is really useless to you?

This strange idea - "everything later" - we caught in childhood. So our parents it was more convenient to take advantage of his rank and, without going into details, explain that he had to do the job, and pleasures were not at all important. When you finish school, then college, when you start earning money, when you get married, when you get divorced, when you raise children, then you can think about pleasure.

Even then we fall into a trap, the door of which soon slams shut. We start from a position of dissatisfaction, without our desire to do what we have to, through prolonged exertion in order to someday earn the right to the life of our dreams. But it recedes into "never", and we fall into a helpless childish state "when you grow up, then it will be possible." In the middle of life some of us catch on and begin to return to their lives postponed once favorite activities. It's good if you can also experience pleasure, but, most likely, we have already forgotten what it is like. It's like seeing a dress in a shop window, freezing with delight and... affording to buy it in a couple of years. It is unlikely that you will again take your breath away from the former delight, and the style will already go out of fashion.

The outside world, its “toys”, stimuli, irritants absorb us so much that we often run after the next portion automatically, while thinking about something else. “When I get somewhere, I buy something, and I will be worthy.” It sounds absurd if you think about it: does anyone decide whether you are worthy or not? And where is this someone?

There is nothing but Now. And instead of scrolling in your head “I need this, but I don’t have something,” turn to the side “What do I need? And what do I have for this? It is enough just to change the focus of perception - and you live a qualitatively different life. Once again, your thought now is your reality.

Questions for self-examination

• Where are your thoughts right now?
• What do you think about in the morning?
• What reality do they create for you every day?
• What background thoughts come up when you wake up?

You are a good man

How do you perceive yourself? What do you allow yourself? Where and how do you limit yourself? We masterfully look for (and find!) flaws in ourselves, in others and in everything that surrounds us. The formidable critic robs us of self-confidence, self-respect rushes down in free fall, fears proliferate. ABOUT care and self-support, we remember at a critical moment or completely forget about it, waiting for it from outside.

By allowing criticism to rule our lives, we most often begin to become angry with ourselves and make endless claims to ourselves. Basically, we are self-destructive.

We also love to create albums of ideal images and strive for them. Turning pages, we compare images with ourselves and tirelessly find differences. Of course, we are bound to be disappointed. It becomes a shame that we are not like that. Some are wrong. Most often, it is for this reason that we decide "develop”, wanting to hold on to the ideal.

Upgrading

The idea of ​​insufficiency constantly kicks us up, forcing us to climb the mountain of perfection. We are accumulating certificates, diplomas and awards, neatly folding them into the “Koshcheev chest”. This endless marathon is completely exhausting, but is accepted as the norm.

When we feel in order, from this state we begin to interact with life in a different way. We begin to recognize our talent and comprehend our own nature. We understand what qualities we can transmit to the world and what we can give it. In this case, our abilities begin to unpack in the best possible way and we feel like a part of the universe. For example, one might be the best cashier because he loves having money flow through his hands and he enjoys serving people. Another is happy to give injections, and then this is the best nurse. And someone likes to teach children, and he will make the best teacher.

When we are in order, we will definitely find ourselves, our space in a large system of life.

I have one colleague who was considered not very smart in the family, they even called her a fool. Although in the school certificate she had only four fours. To not feel stupid, she studied a lot and got used to relying only on herself. Even on vacation I took with me a four hundred page book on Jungian analysis - to read in my spare time. Only after good therapy did this woman realize that she was actually very smart. Today she is a successful psychotherapist, leads several directions.

Honor thyself

I am very attracted to this word - "honor". We use it so rarely that it seems unusual. In fact, it succinctly reflects a set of principles on which self-confidence and inner dignity are based. Psychologist and psychotherapist Nathaniel Branden is incredibly clear formulatedwhich means to honor yourself. I suggest that you write down his wise judgments and reread them often, checking with yourself.

To honor yourself means to be ready think independently, live your own mind and have the courage to admit all your ideas and judgments.

To honor ourselves means to be ready to know not only what we think, but also what we feel, what we want, what we need, what we suffer from, what we are afraid of, or what we are angry with. And accept your right to feel those feelings. The opposite of this approach is denial, repression, and self-denial.

To honor ourselves is to live in self-acceptance: to accept what we are without self-repression or self-exile, without any pretense about the truth of our essence - pretense, intended to deceive either ourselves or someone else another.

To honor ourselves means to live sincerely, to speak and act from our innermost thoughts and feelings.

To honor oneself means to be devoted to one's right to exist: our life does not belong to others, and we do not live on earth to justify other people's expectations. Many people are afraid of this responsibility.

To honor ourselves means to be in love with our own life, in love with our opportunities to develop and feel joy, in love with the process of discovering and exploring our unique human opportunities.

Supporting ideas

• The task of the inner fan is to support you in any circumstances so that you do not fall into the pit of failure and remain the author of your life in any situation.
• Practice the habit of consciously focusing on accomplishments, best memories, successful decisions. It will get easier and easier each time.
• We always have fears and doubts, but they only show those parts of ourselves that need attention and acceptance. They contain a huge resource.
• There is nothing but now. And instead of scroll in your head “I need this, but I don’t have something”, turn to the side “What do I need? And what do I have for this?

You're Good Enough tells you how to find a foothold that will support you every day and make you worry less. After reading the materials and doing the exercises, you will learn to appreciate your achievements and live without prejudice to yourself.

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