7 Therapy Techniques to Try with a Partner

Many couples are afraid to go to therapy together. They immediately imagine how they swear in the presence of a specialist, who then, like a judge, decides who is right and who is wrong. In fact, the work of a psychologist is not only to listen to everyone and give advice on how to behave correctly. A good professional also teaches their clients how to use tools that help break the chain of unhealthy communication and move on to effective communication and conflict resolution. Here are a few of those techniques.

1. Mirror reflection method

He fits to resolve conflicts in various areas, including business and personal life. In family therapy, this method is used to prevent the activation of the defense mechanism in partners and to allow everyone in the couple to feel that his or her opinion is being heard.

The exercise is that first, the one who is upset by the conflict talks about his thoughts and feelings. And the other participant then “mirrors”, that is, retells what he heard, and clarifies whether he understood everything correctly. At the same time, it is important to use the same words as the partner, and not to paraphrase or add your own interpretation and opinion.

The mirroring method has limitations. For it to work, partners must genuinely want to understand each other. If there is no such desire, then the exercise can be perceived as sarcasm or condescension, and this will only increase the conflict.

2. Physical contact when discussing difficult topics

No matter how long a couple has been together or how strong the marriage is, bringing up sensitive topics in conversations is always difficult. To do this, you need to be open and not afraid to take risks, because the partner can criticize, reject or condemn. Not surprisingly, many couples prefer to pretend that everything is in order.

When someone finally decides to have an important conversation, they often still wait for the partner’s negative reaction and immediately “close”. This is manifested in a defensive posture, aggressive facial expression or tone of voice. The partner in this case, of course, immediately begins to defend himself, and the discussion ends in a scandal.

Therefore, when discussing sensitive issues, experts advise maintaining gentle, caring physical contact, such as holding hands or embrace. Touching helps not to go into protection mode, but to openly discuss difficult topics.

3. Focus on partner position

Before looking for a solution to a problem, the author books "7 Principles of a Happy Marriage", psychologist John Gottman advises clearly aloud to identify the positions of partners in a dispute. That is one must to speak the opinion of the other and vice versa, even if they do not agree with each other.

This technique will lay the foundation for an open dialogue that will allow you to avoid debate, when everyone continues to defend their point of view, and find a way out of the conflict situation.

4. Neutralization technique

Author books “Anxiety Therapy. How to deal with fears, anxieties and panic attacks without medication, family psychologist David Burns calls this technique is one of the five secrets of effective communication. It is to look for the truth in the words of another person, even if what he says seems wrong, illogical and exaggerated.

The defusing technique is a powerful way to persevere in conflictand avoid misunderstandings, defensiveness, and resentment. The essence of this practice is not to agree with the opposite position, but simply to try to find the truth in the words of another person, even if there is very little of it. Sometimes this truth will be that one partner could feel the same anger and pain if they looked at the situation from the other's point of view.

Deactivation tactics reduce the escalation of conflict by removing the need for the other person to use verbal aggression to defend themselves or "attack" in response.

5. Method of positive assessment of the situation

If a couple devotes all their attention exclusively to problems, their number only grows. Of course, difficulties will arise anyway, but constant ruminating about conflicts can cause feelings of fear and helplessness, and this destroys relationships.

In 1986 David Cooperrider introduced to the world its own method of positive assessment of the situation. He suggested that when changing organizations, focus not on shortcomings, but on merits. For example, look for positive aspects in the mechanisms that are already working in the company and develop strengths.

This method can be applied in your personal life and focus on what is going well and what you like in a relationship. When in conversations partners focus on the dreams they want to fulfill together, on the areas in which both are successful and in what cases they work as an excellent team, this allows them to change for the better and jointly plan their own destiny.

6. Strive to understand others

IN book "The Art of Loving" sociologist and philosopher Erich Fromm notes that sincere love is impossible without four elements: care, respect, responsibility and knowledge. That is, in order to build a trusting love relationship, you need to know your partner.

Although it takes a lot of time and effort, it is the desire to understand the thoughts, feelings and beliefs of another person that sets the tone for working as a team when faced with difficulties. In addition, this leads to other components of love that Fromm wrote about - respect and care.

7. Break during a fight

Couples are often advised to take time out when the conflict reaches a high point of tension in order to stop in time and not say or do something that they later regret. But not everyone knows how to use this technique correctly. Although if you make a mistake, it can turn into a lever for manipulation and control over the actions of another person.

It is usually recommended to come up with a word or phrase that will signal that it is time to go to different corners and cool off. However, quite often, this behavior only exacerbates the conflict, making the participants feel alone and rejected.

Tactics do not work because they offer a logical rational solution to an emotional problem. But when the feelings reach a peak, the logic disappears and the instinct “hit, freeze, run” turns on. And since strong emotions block logical thinking, stop word is simply not accepted.

Other equally strong emotions, such as humor, will help neutralize the effect. It is better to agree on a code word that will remind you of a funny incident from a life together. This will redirect attention to a pleasant, funny memory and allow logical thinking to take back control of the situation.