How to understand that a child is experiencing stress and help him
Miscellaneous / / April 04, 2023
The main rule is to build trusting relationships in the family.
Very often the question "How are you?" Parents receive a short answer "Fine". Not all children are accustomed to sharing their innermost thoughts and feelings with adults, so it can be quite difficult to understand that something is wrong in a child’s life. How to recognize stress in a son or daughter and help cope with it, let's figure it out together with experts.
What can cause stress in a child
The main sources of stress in childhood are studying at school, relationships in the family and with peers.
According to family psychologist Lyudmila Petranovskaya, parents often deliberately train a neutral reaction to the child's poor grades. It manifests itself, for example, in the phrase “I don’t care about grades, you study for yourself.” Although, in fact, moms and dads are worried about academic performance, and schoolchildren “read” this very well.
Ludmila Petranovskaya
Family psychologist with 20 years of experience, teacher, publicist, founder of the Institute for the Development of Family Organization.
If your child does not get the grades that are acceptable for you, then this is like information not only about the fact that he is a bad child, but also about the fact that you are a bad parent. Therefore, the assessment is perceived not just as information that the child has learned at the moment. so much material, but so much has not yet been learned, namely, as an assessment in the bad sense of the word, as label.
A stress factor in the family, in addition, can be the ambitions of parents who expect their son or daughter to match. certain framem. Therefore, you need to learn to take the side of the child and remember that he has his own path. Yes, perhaps this is not what mom and dad dream of, but this is a choice that is no better or worse than others, it is individual.
In relationships with peers, stress is caused by a variety of events. It arises, for example, not only in a situation where a child personally encounters bullying, but also when he becomes a witness to bullying.
How to know if your child is stressed
Lyudmila Petranovskaya emphasizes that a certain amount of stress is a natural part of life, including in children. Another thing is whether the child will discuss with his parents a situation that upsets him and which he cannot cope with on his own.
Behavior in this case depends on the accumulated experience: how did mom and dad react before when the child was hard and he cried; How were his requests fulfilled? how their basic needs, such as food, were met. If the child is confident in the adequate reaction of the parents, he will turn to them, realizing that they will support and help. But this is not always the case.
Parents may be exhausted by their worries, may not understand what is happening with the child, or respond inadequately to his stress. In such cases, there are two scenarios. The first is that mom and dad are too busy, they don’t care about the child with his problems, they ignore him. The second is that parents react in such a way that the child only gets worse. For example, daughter quarreled with a girlfriend, and she did not invite her to her birthday. Mom got alarmed, called her friend's mom and made a grand showdown. As a result, the problems only got bigger: now the girlfriend is also offended because adults were involved in the conflict.
Another example of a reaction that does not lead to anything good is phrases like "What are you thinking about" and "It's your own fault." After such remarks, the child concludes that it is pointless to contact his parents, and begins to hide his problems.
To find out what is happening in his life, you need to regularly ask him questions. But not abstract “How are you?” or “What's new?”, but those that require detailed answers. For example: “What event at school made you scared today?” Or: “What made you sad today? What made you happy?"
You can play with younger children school. The choice of characters and their actions in the game will help you understand how teachers and classmates behave in the lessons in real life. You can also ask questions that will spark your imagination. For example: “If you were a mouse and could hide under your desk, what class would you not go to?”
TV presenter and journalist Irena Ponaroshku talks to the children when she puts them to bed: “We have about 20-30 minutes before the child falls asleep to talk. And I ask questions: what's good, what's bad happened at school; Who is your favorite and least favorite teacher? which of the children is your friend; Do you have enemies at school?
Bookmark❓
- 25 questions to the child instead of the boring “How are you at school?”
Candidate of Medical Sciences, neonatologist Anna Levadnaya advises a practice with the conditional name "Candle". Its essence is to gather in the evenings with the whole family and discuss the past day. At first family conversation light a candle, and then each one in turn holds it and tells what happened to him and what emotions he experiences. Such a ritual teaches children to speak freely about different events and shows all the variety of reactions to them. In addition, the child sees that parents also have their own reasons for worrying, and this brings them closer.
Another way to understand when something is going wrong is to observe the child. Stress manifests itself not only emotionally, but also physically. According to Anna Levadnaya, there are no large-scale studies on this topic, but we can say that short-term stress does not affect health, but chronic stress makes itself felt with various problems.
For example, under stress, a child's resistance to infections decreases, which means that chronic or allergic diseases may worsen. Another clear sign is sleep disorders, when it becomes more difficult for the child to fall asleep, he begins to get up earlier or later than usual, wakes up in the middle of the night, he is tormented by nightmares. It is also important to monitor nutrition, whether the child began to eat more or less - a deviation in any direction can indicate stress. Internal stress in children at an early age sometimes manifests itself through nighttime urination, tics and compulsive movements, such as when a child bites his nails or constantly twists his hair.
All of these signs allow you to figure out if there are stress factors in your child's life, and start dealing with them in time.
How to help your child deal with stress
First of all, you need to figure out how often the child finds himself in a stressful situation and whether he can cope with it on his own. For example, if he is systematically bullied at school, it is important to consider several points.
First, many children live with the mindset that you can't sneakand don't tell their parents. Therefore, it is necessary to convince the child that he can trust you. For example, say: “I will always listen to you. Come to me with any problem, no matter what bothers you."
Secondly, you can explain to the child that the offensive comments of peers have nothing to do with him. Lyudmila Petranovskaya suggests, for example, this option: “Here you are - the way you are. And then a classmate says something nasty to you. After that, you do not change in any way - you remain the same as you were 5 minutes ago. But your classmate is changing - he offends you and becomes worse than he was 5 minutes ago. This information is about him, not about you.
Thirdly, it is worth remembering that the child is not able to cope with bullying. No matter what explanations you give and no matter what useful recommendations you give, you need to involve adults in solving the problem. It is difficult for people of any age to endure bullying alone. Therefore, depending on how far the bullying has gone, you need to talk with the school psychologist, teachers or principal.
More general recommendations to help your child relieve stress would be:
- Switch to light physical activity, such as going for a walk more often.
- Support healthy regimen sleep that will allow you to fully relax.
- Allow your child to do nothing. Have him spend time on a hobby he loves, like going to the park to ride his bike.
Another important tip concerns adults who need to take care of themselves. In the end, no parent is able to help the child if he himself is under stress.
Ludmila Petranovskaya
Too many parents extrapolate any situation for the whole life of the child. Now he casually did his homework - it means that he will always, all his life, do everything carelessly. Now he came to a new school, he did not have a relationship - which means he will never have friends. Watch out for such generalizations, because they can drive any adult into stress, and in this state you will not be able to help a child in any way.
It is also important to give non-verbal signs that will show that your love for the child is unshakable. For example, sit next to, and not opposite, synchronize your voice in timbre and volume with the voice of your son or daughter, start a conversation with a pleasant topic or hugs, if appropriate. The main parental message should be simple and clear: “You can trust me. Together we will overcome everything.”
We have prepared this material following the results of the SmartFest online festival, organized by Skysmart online school for children and teenagers. Video recordings of this and other lectures of the festival are already available on site.
Read also🧐
- How to stop arguing with your child
- Why is a child afraid of other children and how to fix it
- Why does a child lie and should he be punished
Best deals of the week: discounts from AliExpress, Zarina, Button Blue and other stores