“This is not just my neighbor, this is my family”: why girls decide to live together
Miscellaneous / / April 03, 2023
The article describes both positive and negative experiences - draw your own conclusions.
Boston marriage is a form of relationship in which two girls live in the same living space, lead a joint life, but are not mistresses.
We spoke with two heroines who had experience of such cohabitation. They told us what they liked and didn't like about it, and gave advice to other girls.
“She came to me empty-handed - without a phone and money”
Margot
24 years. She lived in a Boston marriage for a year.
A classic marriage with a man did not work out. I had a lot of arguments with the guys about finances and distribution of responsibilities.
Therefore, at some point we rented an apartment together with a friend. It turned out to be so convenient and good! However, after a couple of months she had to leave. And I had to look for a new roommate.
Tell me about the girl you were married to in Boston.
- Alena (name changed at the request of the heroine. — Approx. ed.) I found in a group on VKontakte. She had just turned 18 then. She graduated from an orphanage, she had a difficult family situation. When we met her, she was in
HDPE with mental disorders.I immediately told her: “The first month you can not pay. Go to interviews, try to find your field. You are still very young and probably do not know what you want to do. But I don't owe you anything either. So don't stretch job search for several months. It's a gesture of goodwill."
She came to me empty-handed - without a phone and money. I helped her get a job, convinced her to sign up for a psychologist. As a result, she began to earn money and went into remission. For a while, everything was fine.
How do you think a Boston marriage differs from a friendly cohabitation or a romantic union?
- In a Boston marriage, someone takes on "male" duties, someone - "female". For example, I was always responsible for finances, paying rent and bills. Alena arranged life and took care of the house. We were so comfortable.
We had a common budget. Each of us knew who earns how much and who has how much in the account. At the same time, someone could spend more, someone less. There was no such thing that we go shopping and throw off 50/50. Who has the opportunity, he will pay.
I loved this man very much. In relation to each other, we showed care and tenderness. For example, when I was sick, she cooked soups. She also ironed my shirts for work. This was a very good help.
When Alena moved in with me, the house flourished, comfort appeared in it. I knew that they were always waiting for me there and would be glad to see me.
I treated Alena like a younger sister. I had a desire to take care of someone. I started early live alone - at the age of 15. Now I understand that I would be glad if then I had a mentor who would help me with money and advice. I thought: "Someone must be lucky."
What attracted you to this form of relationship?
It's hard for me to live alone. I don't cook for myself. I'm too lazy to pick up. I work a lot. Sometimes I come home only to sleep. But I wanted the apartment not to be empty and to feel at home in it. I really needed a roommate.
My friends were against me moving in with Alena. They showed articles about maniacs, they scared her that she would take everything out of the house. But I answered: “What can I take out? All money on the cards. There is no expensive technology. Is she going to steal the TV, do you think?
- Did you have any conflicts? How did you solve them?
- Conflicts began when Alena began to earn normal money and socialize.
She went into all serious trouble, ended up in a bad environment, constantly got into some kind of story, from which I pulled her out. Alena did not look like a strong person who could get out on his own. So I had to intervene. Yes, I may have been cutting in expressions.
But if my requests not to go for a walk at night, not to use anything and not to meet a person who sells illegal substances is an abuse, then ok, I'm an abuser.
At some point, we decided that we needed a bigger apartment. Alena signed the contract, I organized the move. Then she went on a business trip for three days. However, a "surprise" awaited me after.
The key didn't fit the lock. I called Alena and said that I could not come in. She replied: “I don’t want to live with you. You abuser. You are constantly in command. I feel bad for you. I'd rather not know you at all. Leave." And so the story ended. Then my friends and I were able to take things out of there, for some time I lived with them.
It happened shortly before my birthday. On the holiday, she came to my house with tears and gifts. I didn't let her.
Alena still gives me likes and lights on stories. She's trying to connect, but I won't be able to treat her the way I used to.
Deep down in my heart, I forgave her. I understand that she has a difficult fate, and I wish her all the best. But not with me anymore.
“Would you advise other girls to get married in Boston?”
- Everyone decides for himself. I think it's good for a student who has moved to a big city and misses her family.
But we must understand that most often this is a temporary relationship. If girls have heterosexual orientationthey will soon disperse and start families of their own.
What advice would you give to those who want to get married in Boston?
1. Non-violent distribution of responsibilities. It is worth initially discussing what each of you likes to do more, and on this basis, divide assignments. For example, I hate washing the floor, but Alena was fine with it.
2. Draw up a lease agreement in two names. I was not included in it, and therefore I could not even call hostess.
3. Do not forget about yourself in them. Boston marriage implies family relationships, but you do not need to dissolve in a person and constantly try to help him. Yes, you live together as sisters. But you have to learn to let go. This will protect you.
"She was jealous of my friends"
Rina
26 years. 1.5 years is in a Boston marriage.
I was looking for accommodation, but did not find suitable options. Suddenly, an announcement caught my eye that the girl was looking for a neighbor. We contacted her and agreed on my sharing. Everything happened spontaneously. Only later did I realize that our relationship could be called a Boston marriage.
Tell me about the girl you're married to in Boston.
- We met Vika on a site for finding housing. Initially, she lived in this apartment with another girl. But then she moved out, and it became difficult for Vika to pull two rooms in finance.
We had a lot in common with her. For example, related specialties: she is a teacher, I psychologist. She is as melancholic in temperament as I am. And this is important: I would not get along with a sanguine person.
How do you think a Boston marriage differs from a friendly cohabitation or a romantic union?
“There is no sexual relationship between us. We live in different rooms. But at the same time, we live together and have a common budget, we provide moral support to each other. This is not just my neighbor, this is my family.
A Boston marriage is a deeper relationship than friendship. I will not say that I share with Vika something so intimate that I cannot tell my friends about it. But at the same time, I cannot put their interests above the Vikins.
One of my friends once said that she would like to live with me. But I said, “No. I'm not going to leave Vika." First she offendedbut then I sort of realized.
What attracts you to this form of relationship?
I love the feeling that you are not alone. You don't come home to an empty apartment. You know that there is a person with whom you can share your emotions and problems, get some advice from him. In domestic terms, it is also convenient - all duties are divided between you.
A lot of people said to me, "Why don't you start living alone?" And I don't have that need. I feel good and natural in cohabitation with another person.
The only thing that can separate us is a relationship with a man.
If one of us moves to live with her boyfriend, I think the other will find a new roommate with whom it will be possible to build the same deep relationship.
- Do you have conflicts? How do you solve them?
- Yes. We are always trying to build a dialogue. For example, once I invited my friends to visit. When they left, Vika and I started a loud argument: she was jealous of me for them. For my part, I didn't feel the same way about her. It's normal that we have a wide social circle, and I don't think that we should spend all the time together. After we splashed out our emotions, we managed to talk calmly, and we continued to live without quarrels.
It was such that I violated her personal boundaries. For example, once I went into Vika's room to open the window. She reacted very sharply to this: “This is my space. Please don't come in without my permission." She herself is tactful. Doesn't cross the threshold of my room until I ask.
Another stumbling block cleaning. I am more scrupulous in matters of cleanliness and order. It is important for me that all things are put in their places and nothing is lying around. For Vicki, this is not such a fundamental point.
I can start to get bored if she missed some spot: stand over her soul and wait for her to wipe it off. I am a perfectionist, but Vika understands and accepts this peculiarity of mine.
Rare quarrels are normal. If we had any more serious differences, I would not be able to live with her.
- Would you advise other girls to enter into a Boston marriage?
- Yes. In this complex world, where a person already feels lonely, it is very important to have a close comrade. Society presses to get married and have children. But if you understand that you are not ready to radically change your life right now, then Boston marriage is a wonderful form of existence.
Even if you have fears and doubts: "Will I be able to live with another person?" It's worth a try.
It's a good experience. You will learn how to compromise and negotiate.
What advice would you give to those who want to get married in Boston?
1. Chat with your future roommate. Suddenly it turns out that you are uncomfortable with her? For example, we acted recklessly: we never saw each other before moving in together. It was risky, but I was lucky. And for some it might be different. The choice of a partner must be carefully considered.
2. Say the rules ahead of time. In Vika's ad it was written: "I guarantee cleanliness." I later reminded her of this: “Purity is not guaranteed. We are dirty." She replied, “It's not dirty to me. This is not a pigsty."
You may have a different understanding of purity, silence, personal boundaries. It is important to discuss how each of you sees life together.
3. It's good to think about whether it's worth living with a girlfriend. If you have a good time, this does not mean that you can share the living space. In everyday life, negative moments appear that you could not even suspect when you meet once a week in a cafe. It's easy to lose a girlfriend if you start living with her.
Read also🧐
- “The stamp in the passport is a so-so reason.” 6 Stories of Long Relationships Without Marriage
- How to share household chores to avoid quarrels and not destroy the family
- What to discuss before you start living together