“I will never demand a second child from my wife”: 3 couples about the experience of partner childbirth

The popularity of partnerships grows from year to year. In Russia, this service is received for free under compulsory medical insurance or for a fee under a contract. In the latter case, the birth can be arranged in a private room with a bath, candles, music and aromatherapy.

Girls are attracted by the chance to share this moment with their loved ones: they will help and support. However, they also have fears: whether the partner’s sexual desire will disappear, whether the relationship will change.

We spoke with three people who have been in partner births. They told how everything went, and answered the question: is it worth experiencing this experience for others.

“She is giving birth, and you make her squat!”

- How did you decide on partner childbirth?

I have never heard of partnerships. My wife, Inna, told me about them. When she became pregnant, she began to read specialized books and watch videos about it.

It turned out that now it is possible to organize partner childbirth for free, in any maternity hospital. The problem was only covid restrictions (Inna gave birth to a daughter in December 2021. — Approx. ed.). The man had to do a PCR test to be allowed into the ward.

At some point, Inna told me in plain text: “I would like you to be present at the birth.”

This is probably due to the fact that in our relationship she is very emotional, and I am calm. She expected that during childbirth I would be her anti-stress, I would support her.

In addition, Inna was afraid that some terrible drugs would be injected into her without her knowledge if something went wrong during childbirth. She wanted me to be there to oversee the process.

That is, initially the initiative came from the wife. But then I myself decided that I would like to participate in this process. To prepare, we watched partner birth workshops on YouTube and read books together.

- How did the birth begin?

- At the 40th week, Inna was admitted to the hospital. The term was long, and labor activity did not begin. They said they need encouragement. I took her on Saturday. As a result, she simply lay in the ward all weekend, as there were few doctors.

It was difficult: she lies, and everyone around is giving birth. She changed several roommates.

Because of this, Inna was very worried. Called me every day. All this time, I was ready for the fact that any minute I would need to go to the hospital.

On Sunday, the doctor told her: "Tomorrow you will give birth." That same evening, I did a rapid test for Covid‑19 and waited. But Monday passed, the test results burned out, and Inna did not give birth.

She was told again: "Tomorrow you will give birth." I did the test again. History repeated itself. Then he made another one. Finally she called me, out of breath: “Well, that's it. I'm giving birth". She said that she would have to come to the hospital in the morning. I ran to the pharmacy and bought myself a sedative.

Now I can say that it would be worth taking a bottle of water to the maternity hospital. I thought there would be coolers. But they were not there, and all the water that was in the ward was intended for Inna. And I was thirsty.

How were the fights?

- With a frequency of once every 30-40 minutes, a nurse came to us and asked how we were doing. All this time I was with Inna, cheering her up, showing her how to breathe properly, helping her survive the contractions. They became more frequent. Inna strongly squeezed my hand, it was very painful for her. She suffered.

At some point, a nurse came to us and ordered to do physical exercises. There was a dissonance in my head: “She is giving birth, and you are forcing her to squat!”

But I didn’t say it out loud: doctors know better what to do. I tried to calm Inna with the most banal phrases. She quickly panicked, saying: “Everything is bad, nothing is born!” I tried to cheer: “Patrimonial activity is going on. Everything is fine, there is a heartbeat.

I guess sometimes I deceived her, because I myself had no idea what was going on. It was hard to explain why she crouched and puffed up by the bed.

- How was the child born?

It has been more than four hours since the contractions started. Inna is very tired. She screamed in pain. But then suddenly everything accelerated. It would seem that she had just crouched near the bed, and then suddenly she was lying on the couch and the doctors told her to push. Everything is in one moment.

Then I realized: childbirth is a slow process, and birth is fast and swift. All my life I thought that it was the child that was being dragged out for so long!

At that moment, many people came to the ward. I was pushed away. I didn't realize what was going on until the baby arrived. The doctor asked: "Are you going to cut the umbilical cord?" I replied: "Of course."

Then I was asked to go out into the corridor. At that moment, the doctors performed the final manipulations: they removed the placenta, sewed up the tears.

When they launched me again, I saw the child, I saw my wife. She was happy that everything was over.

Would you recommend this experience to other people?

“I think attending the birth is the right decision. Now I understand all the hardships of having a baby. And I will never demand a second child from my wife. I saw what she went through. I will always ask her: “Are you ready for this again?”

Some people who were not present at the birth think: the child has appeared, and that's it! The woman is well, she does not need any rest. She can keep cleaning the house. But I saw this process with my own eyes and understood how tired she was. So I took on all the household chores. In this regard, I received an extremely important experience for me.

However, I am not sure that I would advise everyone to go through it. You need to understand: your girlfriend will feel bad, hurt, and you can do almost nothing. You will feel powerless.

In addition, I know a case when a man was not ready for partner childbirth. He was simply suddenly invited to attend, and he agreed. As a result, this became an emotional test for him, and he left the family.

Inna had concerns about how our intimate life and my perception of her as a girl would change. We were promised that there would be a curtain in the ward and I would not see anything except my wife's head. However, there were no curtains. I, like in a 5D cinema, experienced the maximum immersion.

But that didn't put me off at all. After giving birth, Inna asked me: “Has the desire disappeared after what she saw?” I thought about it and realized that I had a slight fear: “What if Inna will be hurt again? I don't want to hurt her." But this is not a minus: on the contrary, I began to treat her more attentively. In terms of sexual attraction, everything remained the same.

You need to understand that childbirth is an event for which you need to prepare very seriously: read literature, watch videos, talk with your wife.

“Why should a husband be in childbirth? Everyone gave birth, and you will give birth "

- How did you decide on partner childbirth?

- When our relationship was just beginning, we discussed that we would like to experience the experience of partner childbirth. The birth of a child is a very difficult and important moment. We both knew we had to do this together.

My husband was a little afraid of how everything would go, but I never heard doubt in his voice.

When we made this decision, we told our parents about it. Mine supported him, but my husband's father and mother did not take us seriously. Thought we were joking. They said: “Why should a husband be at childbirth? Everyone gave birth, and you will give birth.

They were sure that in the end we would not implement this idea. Awareness came only when the time was already long and we were not going to change our decision.

- How did the birth begin?

- Labor began at 41 weeks. By the rules, I overdid it. The kid was big and didn't want to go out. We went to the maternity hospital for procedures, but they didn’t let me out of there. They said they were opening up.

They pierced my bladder and took me to the delivery room. Husband arrived. I still remember: it’s a sunny day, I have an amazing ward, the head of the department takes delivery, the team of doctors is very good.

We had open birth boxes with translucent walls. Women gave birth nearby. At first, my husband was taken aback. Even I was afraid to be there - to see and hear other people screaming in pain.

But after 5–10 minutes, we adapted to the new environment. From that moment on, I did not see an ounce of fear on his face. The husband took full part in childbirth: he brought water, massaged cheered me up with words.

How were the fights?

- At first everything was fine: we chatted, I jumped on the ball. But then the pain began to increase sharply. And the doctors gave me epidural anesthetic. Probably, I would not have endured this pain without anesthesia.

After that, I lay, almost asleep. The baby was too high, the opening was slow. Every contraction was excruciatingly painful. At some point, even had to double the dose of anesthesia.

My husband was sitting next to me the whole time. His hand turned white from how hard I squeezed it.

I screamed, "I can't take it anymore." But he tirelessly repeated: "We can handle it."

The birth was difficult. In total they lasted 10 hours. The temperature was constantly rising, there was a very long straining period.

But I am very grateful to the doctors who did their job clearly and treated me kindly. Although, I think they were lisping because of the fact that there was a husband nearby. I heard that nurses spoke more rudely to other women in labor. I am a very vulnerable person. It would be hard for me to hear that in a moment of stress.

- How was the child born?

- When the baby was born, tears appeared in the eyes of her husband. We all cried together.

The child was large: 4 kg, 55 cm. They put it on my chest right away. First thoughts: “We did it, we are together, this is our baby.” In that second, I really forgot all the pain that I experienced a minute ago.

Would you recommend this experience to other people?

“This is the only right decision. I’m not sure that I would have given birth on my own if my husband wasn’t around. It would probably end cesarean. I was ready to give up.

Despite all the difficulties, childbirth is a very bright moment in our memories. After this experience, our relationship became stronger. But one should not think that partner childbirth brings everyone together. If your connection is strong, then you will definitely become even closer to each other. And if not, you can expect anything.

I had no fears that our relations might somehow change. When I told in my microblog that we would have partner births, I faced both condemnation and support. Women wrote that the husband would stop wanting intimacy, that he would be traumatized.

But childbirth had a different effect on him. The first months we were together all the time, he took a vacation, he constantly said how strong I was.

The husband emphasized: a man will never understand what childbirth is if he has not been there with his wife.

But you need to prepare well for this process: watch or take a course on partner childbirth. Become a team and think about the result: "Soon you will have a baby." This thought helps to survive childbirth. When you remember what you are trying for, it becomes easier.

“Smoots that he saw the head of the child before me”

- How did you decide on partner childbirth?

- I have heard that some women, being alone with strangers during childbirthdo not always feel secure. I wanted that at that moment there was a person next to me whom I completely trust, with whom I feel comfortable.

When I became pregnant and my husband and I began to discuss options for childbirth - with or without a contract, with a partner or a visiting midwife - Stas said: “I would like to attend myself. It's such an important moment."

He did not understand stories like “the woman went to give birth, and the husband went to celebrate this event in the bathhouse.”

Therefore, partnership childbirth was our mutual desire.

Perhaps Stas was not so frightened by the process itself, because he has a medical education. In addition, we agreed that he will be there during the long exhausting period of contractions. And at the very moment of the appearance of the child, if he becomes uncomfortable, he can go out the door.

I was giving birth for the first time, so I was scared. At first, I could not even imagine that I would watch a video of someone giving birth. But at the 9th month of pregnancy, I realized that I wanted to know how it looks from the outside, to understand what I would experience. And so, when I dared, it seemed to me that it was very beautiful. What a miracle!

In order to make it easier for me to go through this experience, I worked with psychologist, took consultations of specialists, turned to familiar obstetricians-gynecologists. Also, Stas and I went to two-day courses on partner childbirth, where each stage was described in detail to us, told what a woman in labor might feel and how to help her. In general, we prepared thoroughly.

When you voice your fears, and the people you trust say, “Everything will be fine,” it becomes easier.

- How did the birth begin?

The pregnancy went well. But at the end of the term, the doctor discovered that my pressure deviated from the norm. Then I passed the tests, and found in the urine protein. This is also bad. I was shown hospitalization.

Some women experience this in the middle of pregnancy. Then they are given a caesarean section, a premature baby is nursed. I was told that I can give birth on my own, as the term is already long. There are stimulating methods to start the process. I agreed to this and signed the documents.

At 8-9 in the morning, my amniotic sac was pierced to stimulate the discharge of water. I started to feel weak contractions. I wrote to Stas, and he quickly arrived.

How were the fights?

We were lucky that there were few women in labor that day. Usually, when there are more of them, individual delivery rooms are in demand. And some girls have to go through the active phase of contractions in the general ward. But they told me that I can immediately move to the delivery room.

At 11-12 o'clock I began to have more exhausting contractions.

Stas felt like an assistant in a boxing match.

He wiped sweat, put on a towel, held his hand, stroked, let water wet his lips, irrigated his nose with drops - the mucous membrane dried up.

Every touch was felt very sharply. Therefore, sometimes in a half-consciousness I growled at him: “Step back, don’t!” The same actions at different moments felt differently. Therefore, I think, on the one hand, Stas felt helpless.

But I was still pleased that he held my hand, encouraged me, said that I was doing well and doing everything right.

In addition, all the doctors knew that Stas was also a doctor. When they came and said something in their medical language, he translated it for me into ordinary human.

- How was the child born?

- Stas was with me all the time. When attempts began and it became clear that the child was about to be born, events began to develop rapidly.

I did not think about how I look: beautiful or ugly. Childbirth is work. You are result oriented. You do the job, and you don't care how many people are in the room - anesthesiologists, neonatologists, nurses, doctors of related specialties. The presence of a loved one, a husband, among all these people gives strength.

Stas stayed with me until the very end. He says he has no regrets. He even trumps that he saw the head of the child before me.

Rada was born at midnight. She was put on a hat, covered with a blanket, put on my stomach. An interesting feeling. warm wet child lies on you.

Stas immediately began to talk to her. Rada turned her head in his direction, tried to open one eye a little to see who it was. Maybe she recognized his voice! Stas talked to her a lot when she was in her stomach.

Then the neonatologist took the baby, and they put me to sleep to remove the placenta. When I woke up, Stas was sitting next to Rada in his arms. Rocked her, rocked her. If she started crying, he comforted her. It was amazing.

Would you recommend this experience to other people?

- We did not regret that we decided on partner childbirth. Stas says it's a very cool feeling: at that moment he really felt like a dad. In addition, he was able to see what I was going through then.

If before the birth we discussed different options for names, then Stas said: “After what the woman went through, she can call the child whatever she wants.”

Some people do not even consider the possibility of the presence of a man in childbirth. I don't want to convince everyone. But if both thought about this topic, then I would advise you to decide. This is truly an extraordinary experience.