3 Ways to Overcome the Constant Desire to 'Save' Others

When people are worried about not being able to help their loved ones, they can say such phrases.

• Why am I always drawn to those who have a lot of problems?
• I sacrificed everything to help him, and he still doesn't change.
• If I am constantly trying to change my partner for the better, does this mean that I do not accept him?

Thoughts like these are typical of people with Rescuer Syndrome. It's psychological constructwhich makes us feel the need to help others. At first glance, it seems that everything is in order, because there is nothing wrong with responsiveness. But in fact, the rescuer syndrome can take unhealthy forms, because it shifts the focus of attention from our own internal problems to external ones.

The desire to help others is very valuable and approved by society. However, there is a significant difference between "help" and "rescue". Rescuer Syndrome goes beyond the natural urge to lend a hand helping those in need

. "Rescuer" tries to become a hero in someone else's life, thinking more about the benefit for himself, and not for others.

Here are some ways to deal with the instinctive urge to "save" everyone.

1. Practice active listening

When someone trusts you with their experiences, he first of all wants to throw out the accumulated emotions, and does not expect them to be “repaired”. Meanwhile, people with the rescuer syndrome are convinced that others are simply incapable of solving their problems. Active listening helps to recognize situations where a person does not need help, but only needs to be listened to and supported.

One small study showedthat when we listen carefully and actively, we show a high level humility, and this leads to positive feedback and motivates the interlocutor to show humility in return.

Two mindsets will help you start developing active listening skills:

• Don't be afraid of silence. Without it, there is no good dialogue. It is important to give the interlocutor the opportunity to speak freely. When a friend shares his problems with you, seek to understand him, not instantly answer him. Instead of talking, pay attention to body language, for example tense shoulders can signal fear and doubt.
• Believe in the benefits of active listening. It has its advantages, find among them those that will additionally motivate you to become a better listener.

2. bide your time

Fight the obsessive urge to intervene immediately. You will notice that people are quite capable of coping with their problems on their own when there is no one else to rely on. If you constantly decide everything for the other person, you run the risk of pushing him, albeit unintentionally, to learned helplessness. And he will lose the ability to independently diagnose problems and cope with them.

The next time a loved one comes to you with a problem, refrain from immediately offering help or possible solutions. You can support him by staying close and not trying to "rescue". Make it clear that you are aware of what is happening, empathize with him and are always ready to listen if he needs to speak out.

3. Don't help unless asked

One of the key aspects of the Rescuer Syndrome is the deep-seated desire to help, even when others don't want or ask for it. Such behavior of the "rescuer" can be perceived as megalomania, because he is convinced in advance that people are not able to help themselves.

Look for softer, more relaxed ways to offer help. For example, like this: “The situation seems rather difficult. Is there anything I can do to help?" Try to do only what you are asked and in the way you are asked. And don't pretend you know better.

Rescuer Syndrome can be difficult to deal with at first, but learning to control it is important. Even if you think you're doing the person a favor, trying to "save" someone who didn't ask for it can backfire on everyone. If someone really needs your help, he will definitely say so directly.