The habit of lying: why we lie, even if we didn’t want to, and how to stop
Miscellaneous / / April 02, 2023
In general, it's okay to cheat, but it's best not to abuse it.
This often happens with children. A child may be covered from head to toe with chocolate, but to assure that he did not eat any sweets. This is a normal period in development: he has discovered that he is able to tell a lie, and now he is testing where this can lead. In the future, he will understand that many secret things become clear, and actions have consequences.
But it happens that a person is not a child for a long time. And still deceives, even if it is obvious that this is a lie. The simplest example is social media. You suddenly find that your friend is broadcasting successful success on his page, although you know very well that there is no smell of special prosperity there. And all of his 120 subscribers are also in the know. Or when a friend calls you and says:I'm on my way”, although the sounds in the background hint that he has not even left the house. Sometimes a person himself can catch himself saying an obvious lie. And the most amazing thing is that he understands: lies do not really affect the situation, circumstances are easy to check. But he just can't stop.
Why do people lie
According to the candidate of psychological sciences Maria Danina, most often people lie from practical interests. For example, they try to avoid condemnation, shame, punishment, revenge. We may lie to get something, like promotion, or to impress others. And in some cases, a person deceives, guided by good intentions - wanting to please another, protect loved ones, keep someone else's secret.
Maria Danina
Candidate of Sciences in Psychology, founder of the online school of psychological professions "Psychodemia".
Emotionally sensitive and anxious people are more likely to lie to avoid unpleasant and embarrassing situations. And these same individuals usually cheat out of altruistic motives. But those who have a high level of extraversion are more likely to lie in their own interests and are less likely to care about keeping secrets.
More often in general, impulsive and less prone to reflection people tell lies. Conversely, good self-control and conscientiousness keep us from lying.
According to research, with age we lie less and less. And it's not just about children who do it more often than adults. Older people are less likely to tell lies than middle-aged people. Eat datathat enhanced creative thinking is associated with more dishonest behavior, but there is also evidence for the opposite effect: lying increases our creative thinking. Also, people are more likely to lie when they are tired or under a strong stress. For example, during the day we lie more often than in the morning.
Lying by others can also increase our willingness to lie. Especially if those with whom we associate ourselves are lying. Conversely, if we are reminded of moral standards or we simply think that someone is watching us, we tend to lie less frequently.
According to Danina, the lack of punishment for lying, as well as a lack of understanding of its negative consequences, raises its probability. However, penalties in general are more likely to force lies than to avoid it. For example, in families with strict rules children cheat more often than in more democratic and flexible ones. Curiously, people in more collectivist cultures also lie more often, in all likelihood because of shared responsibility.
Man also inclined to deception if some goal or possible gain is at stake. If it is not related to money, then it provokes to lie in order to achieve it even more than financial rewards. Also us characteristic moral indulgence. For example, if we expect ourselves to do a good deed in the future, we can more easily justify immoral behavior in the present. And vice versa: having done something good, we believe that we have earned the right to do a bad trick, but unconsciously this is not something that we would be ready to admit to ourselves.
Maria Danina
There are so many reasons for people to lie that it is much more interesting to ask what makes us tell the truth. It can be assumed that we are simply assimilating social norms that oblige us to be honest. For example, if we can explain to ourselves that our lies will not harm anyone and will only benefit anyone, then we tend to tell lies more often. But external conditions can also influence how much we lie.
However, sometimes, as Danina notes, deception has no good reason. A person may have an obsessive desire to tell a lie, he does it impulsively, or even enjoys the process.
Is it okay to cheat
This may be contrary to internal moral convictions, but everyone lies - some more, some less. So in general, cheating is the norm.
Valery Gut
PhD in Psychology, developer of the theory of adaptive intelligence.
According to statistics, the average person lies 2-3 times a day. Even if we think it's not. For example, an insincere compliment, the answer “Everything is fine” to the question “How are you?”, coming up with reasons not to go somewhere or not to do something if you really don’t want to.
These are normal manifestations of social interaction. Lies arise in the process of communication. This is a conscious distortion of information aimed at the perception of another person. That is, a lie is a mechanism for the interaction of people; outside of it, it makes no sense.
However, according to the psychologist of the Gran.rf online platform, Anastasia Korneeva, if there is no formal reason to lie, but a person does it anyway, this may be a symptom of a basic mental disorder. disorders personality.
Anastasia Korneeva
Psychologist of the online platform "Gran.rf".
There is a pathological lie, it is also pseudology, it is also mythomania. Such people lie often and about everything, even when it makes no sense and they do not care about being exposed. They cannot lie. Often the fact of a lie is not realized by the person himself, he really believes in what he says.
This can be, for example, with antisocial personality disorder - a mental disorder in which a person lacks the concepts of conscience and compassion as such. These people will lie without blinking an eye.
Pathological lies in itself are not a separate psychological disease, but only a symptom of deviations. And it needs to be seen in context. Just like a pathological inability to lie, something like “extreme truth-telling” is also a sign of some disorders, such as autism.
Why lies are dangerous
There may or may not be consequences for cheating. No matter how sad, not every secret becomes clear. According to Valery Gut, lies are different, they can be productive. Thus, most of the work of world brands is based on deceit, many couples have maintained their relationship thanks to white lies. But there is also an unproductive lie: if with its help a person hides problems, then he loses time to solve them. Inventing achievements for himself, he actually stands still, although he could go to success.
At the same time, you need to be prepared to face the consequences if the truth comes out.
Valery Gut
Trust in a person is born after we saw in him sincerity, openness, undisguised frankness. And how quickly everything collapses, one has only to catch someone in a lie. You can cheat to get what you want, but if everything is revealed, then it will be difficult to regain the trust of other people.
In addition, constant lies cause stress to the whole organism. After all, one must remember what he said yesterday in order to continue this thought today. There is a fear of exposure, so a person is in tension - both morally and physically.
But the most difficult thing is when deception has become a habit. A person himself no longer understands where reality is. If this happens, it is better to understand the reasons for your own lies, to consciously approach changes. And this will certainly help.
How to get rid of the habit of lying
Valery Gut recommends the following:
- To understand the reasons for our own lies, to understand what need we close by starting to deceive. lack of attention, lack of confidence or security, fear. To do this, it is worth considering in what other way we can achieve what we lack.
- Stop deceiving yourself. Recognizing the problem will be more productive than continuing to avoid it. Let's say overweight people are sometimes easier to say that this is a genetic predisposition than to accept that they eat too much sweets. But the problem will remain unresolved.
- Take care of other people's feelings. Before lying, you can think about how we ourselves would react to such a situation.
- Talk more to honest people. We know that lies are born in communication. So, you can get rid of it in the same way. Like any muscle in the body, the desire to tell the truth can be trained. For example, making new acquaintances, participating in discussions.
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Text worked on: author Natalia Kopylova, editor Anastasia Naumtseva, proofreader Elena Gritsun