How to start life over if you've lost yourself

I have always believed that a phone call cannot change a life. And then he received a call. It was my mother saying: "Your father is trying to commit suicide."

My father is a son of the American South. A Navy veteran and social activist, he never experienced depression for a moment of his life. Until he was diagnosed with Parkinson's disease.

In 12 weeks, he tried to commit suicide six times. We tried to help him in every possible way. And suddenly I was visited by a simple thought - perhaps he just needs a new start.

One morning I texted my father: “What toys did you like as a child?” Everything that happened next changed not only himself, but also his environment. And it made me rethink how we find meaning and happiness in our lives.

However, before you know what happened, I want you to stop reading for a second, close your eyes, and listen to your own story. This is the story you tell new acquaintances. A story that you remind yourself of every day. A story that answers the questions of who you are, where you come from and where you are going. This is the story of your life.

And this story is not part of you, but you yourself. What happens if we change its course? What if we want to start over from scratch? If the fairy tale ends, and we finally lose ourselves?

This is what happened to my father that year and to me around the same time: we got lost in the woods and had no idea how to get out of it. I think everyone experiences this at some point. But at that time I wanted to learn how to choose the right path.

Like my father, I was born in the South. Went to university and started writing. First for free, but then everything changed - I was successful. Married, got children. And at the age of 40, life dealt me ​​a series of powerful blows - I, the father of twin girls, was diagnosed with cancer, I became almost bankrupt, and my father also began a suicidal marathon.

For a long time I felt fear and guilt that all this happened to me. I didn't know how to tell my story, and I didn't want to do it at all. When I nevertheless found the strength to say it out loud, I found out that everyone thinks that something is wrong in his life. That he does not have time for something, moves somewhere in the wrong direction or is in constant chaos. That the life he lives is not at all what he would like it to be.

I had a desire to help. For three years I traveled around America and collected hundreds of stories of people from all states - people who lost their homes or became disabled, had a sudden change in career or gender, struggled with alcoholism or difficulties divorced. In the end, I scored a thousand hours of interviews and six thousand pages of text.

I spent a year studying the material I collected and finding effective ways to help me move forward in a time of major life changes. And made three conclusions.

You have to come to terms with the fact that a linear life is impossible.

The idea that we should only have one job, one relationship, and one source of happiness in a lifetime is long outdated. However, it managed to form our vision of the world.

We have become accustomed to the opinion that life should consist of stages. Even famous psychological concepts, such as the five stages of grief or Erickson's eight stages of personality development, are linear concepts. It seems to us that at 20 and 30 we all go through the same stages, and at 39 or 44 and a half we are faced with a midlife crisis.

There is only one problem - it is not. Therefore, we should get rid of ideas about the linearity of our life and realize the factor of surprise and chaos.

We must accept that non-linear life involves constant change.

We go through most of them with ease. But one in ten problems is sure to become what I call a “life quake,” a huge change that leads to a period of upheaval and renewal. The average person experiences three to five such periods of five years each on average.

Simple calculations help us figure out that we spend 25 years, or half of our adult lives, in a state of change. However, they can occur not only in middle age. Someone is already born in an atmosphere of “life quake”, while for someone this period begins at 20 or 60.

Another cause for concern is that we are still waiting for "lifequakes" to occur on a predictable schedule. All because we are haunted by the ghost of that same linearity. It seems to us that life should be linear, and any evidence to the contrary unsettles us. We compare ourselves to a non-existent ideal and scold ourselves for not being able to achieve it.

The pandemic has only made things worse. In 8% of those I interviewed, "lifequakes" were collectively involuntary, that is, associated with natural disasters or economic crises. But the uniqueness of the pandemic is that for the first time in many years the entire planet is experiencing the same “life quake” at the same time.

Each of us is going through a period of change. But no one tells us how to deal with them.

Learn the art of change

Here are five ways, based on my research, to help you deal with "lifequakes."

1. Find your superpower

One way to understand the meaning of "lifequake" is to think of it as a physical blow. It knocks you down, and the changes that follow it bring you back to a stable position.

However, when faced with a “life quake,” most of us fall into one of two extremes: either create a to-do list on a million points and say to yourself: "I'll do it all over the weekend", or lie down on the couch with the words: "I have nothing succeed." Both approaches are fundamentally wrong.

Observation of "lifequakes" allows you to notice several trends at once. For example, there are three stages:

• A long goodbye as you "mourn" your old self.
• A period of chaos when you discard old habits and wind up other.
• A new beginning when you create a different version of yourself.

True, there is one “but” - these stages occur out of order. Life is not linear, and change is even more so. Each of us tends to the stage that is closer to him. This is the power that turns a person into Superman. And at the same time, everyone “sags” in other stages. It's kryptonite that makes Superman vulnerable.

From the experience of my interviews, I can say that half of the people especially do not like the chaotic middle, while the other half achieve success during this period.

If you're good at making lists or analyzing situations, start looking for your superpower there. And if you are good at analyzing your feelings and easily leave the past in the past, then your strength is in the first stage.

Once you find your superpower, you will be more confident and able to move on.

2. Accept your emotions

I've looked into the eyes of hundreds of people and asked, "What was the most difficult emotion for you to deal with during a major change?"

The most common response is fear: “How can I get through this?” “How can I pay my bills now?”.

The second emotion is sadness: “I miss my loved one”, “I am sad that I can no longer walk.”

And finally, shame: “I am ashamed that I need help”, “I am ashamed of what I did while intoxicated.”

Some people deal with their feelings by writing them down. Someone, including myself, distracts himself with work. And 8 out of 10 people turn to different rituals - singing, dancing or hugging loved ones. This is especially helpful during the long goodbye phase, as such rituals are a kind of declaration that we have gone through changes and are ready for what comes next.

3. Try something new

A period of chaos is not only frightening, but also disorienting. So what? At this time, we get rid of the past - the past worldview, past habits and rituals. We are slowly tearing pieces of our personality away from ourselves.

"Dropping" the old makes room for the new and expands the space for creativity. Even in the most difficult moments, we can dance, cook our favorite meals, garden or play the ukulele. If you simply connect your imagination - imagine a picture, a poem or a piece of bread in your thoughts - this will help you imagine a better future.

4. Gain wisdom from those around you

Probably one of the most bitter feelings that we encounter during change is the feeling of loneliness. In fact, I think that one of the reasons for the current boom in loneliness is precisely the large number of serious changes that each of us goes through. That is why it is important to involve others in the process and share your experience with a partner, friends, colleagues or even strangers.

At the same time, we must remember that each of us requires a different response. A third of people prefer soothing remarks: "I love you, we will overcome everything." The fourth part feels better when pushed: "I believe in you, maybe you should try." And one-sixth is not against a tough approach: "Get together at last, it's time to try something else."

Don't expect the person you're sharing with to correctly guess the response you want. And you will not be able to do this if a loved one turns to you. Therefore, it is worth clarifying in advance who is waiting for what kind of reaction and what remarks can help you.

5. Rewrite your life story

Change in life is an exercise in creating meaning. As we think about our path, we revisit and retell our story, add new chapters, and find rationale in "life tremors."

This is what happened to my father. After I asked him about his favorite toys, he wrote a short story about model aircraft. And this despite the fact that he could not move his fingers.

Then I sent him another message: "Tell me about the house you grew up in." Then a few more: "How did you get started?" and “How did you meet your mother?” He answered in writing, and I continued to ask questions until June 2021. By that time, it had already been 8 years since I asked the very first one. My father, who never wrote anything longer than a note, finished his memoir at 65,000 words.

This is the power of storytelling. It reminds you that no matter how difficult life may seem, you can not refuse a happy ending. No matter how many painful moments there are in it, only you control the story that you tell about yourself.

That is why it is important to look at changes in life from a different angle. Instead of seeing it as a sad period to grit your teeth through, use it as an opportunity to heal, let go of the “wounded” parts of your life, and rethink it.

Often, as soon as our life becomes like a fairy tale, a “fire-breathing dragon” immediately jumps out from behind the corner - a terrible diagnosis, a pandemic or another extremely serious problem. And that's okay.

If I have learned anything, it is that each of us must be the hero of our own story. Therefore, there are fairy tales, and we tell them every night. They help turn our nightmares into dreams.