8 warning signs you're trying too hard to please others

Why wanting to be liked is not always a good thing

Wanting to be liked is perfectly normal. Man is a social being, so it is important for him what others think of him. And it is much more pleasant if they love him, appreciate and praise him, and do not roll their eyes at his appearance.

But sometimes, in their desire to be good for everyone, people go too far and lose themselves in this. They try so hard to please that they overshadow their desires, opinions, plans. This is a great way to become comfortable for others. But a rather bad way to a happy and harmonious life. Because if you spend all your time worrying about the opinions of others, it will not be left for yourself at all.

How to understand that the desire to please is excessive

Here are a few signs to watch out for.

1. A person is afraid to say "no"

It seems that there is nothing easier than to refuse. In fact, for many of us, this skill atrophies over the years under the influence of society, upbringing and other things.

A child, for example, knows very well what he wants and, most importantly, what he does not want. Sometimes his desires are dangerous, and therefore his behavior is moderated parents. But they often make a choice in favor of the sympathy of others, and not the comfort of the child. For example, they make you cuddle with your aunt, play with the unpleasant offspring of friends, put on “decent” clothes in order to get approval. And children gradually learn that someone else's opinion is more important than their desires.

Already an adult, a person goes to lunch with the same aunt in order to get a portion of rudeness and violation of boundaries, agrees to lower a friend’s closet from the seventh floor - and not together, but instead of him. And all in order to stay in good standing with these people.

2. He calls compromise

It is believed that compromise is the best way to get around controversial issues. This is doubtful, because in such a situation both are inferior, which means that neither side is satisfied.

However, it happens even worse: a person believes that it is necessary to adapt to the other in order to improve relations. But only he does. Although in normal interaction, flexibility should be shown by all those involved.

For example, friends periodically meet and think about where to sit. Everyone has wishes. They decide: "Today we will go where Petya wants, and the next - according to Vasya's choice." Only Vasya's turn never comes. And this is no compromise.

3. Man laughing at offensive jokes

The situation with jokes is complicated. There are entire companies where the humor is based on poking fun at its members. Or people in a narrow circle, in principle, allow themselves laugh on any topic, while not feeling any hatred for the objects of the punches.

On the other hand, jokes are not harmless. A simple example: many people consider the indigenous people of Chukotka to be cunning and narrow-minded. At the same time, they had never seen a single Chukchi in their lives, but they heard many jokes about them. It also happens that a group of friends only seems to be teasing each other. In fact, they are mocking someone alone.

And it's always bargaining: to laugh with everyone (including endure attacks in one's direction), so that they accept, or not to participate in the bacchanalia of insults. The former is usually easier, but can be detrimental to self-esteem.

4. On any occasion, consults with the environment

There is nothing wrong with finding out what people think about a given situation. An outsider's perspective can highlight hitherto invisible aspects of a problem and help make a decision. Another thing is that the final word remains with the person himself.

But in desperate attempts to please, he often can no longer make decisions on his own. He needs to know someone else's opinion not in order to consider the problem from different angles, but in order to understand which act would be more socially acceptable. True, this may go against his personal interests. But this will become clear later, and now the short-term goal - to please - will be achieved.

5. He drastically changes his mind because of someone else's disapproval

Change your mind periodically fine. A person gains experience over the years, explores new arguments and can literally turn 180 degrees on his way. An alarm signal - when he "changes shoes" constantly, depending on who said what next, instead of relying on his own thoughts.

6. A person is afraid of burdening others

Not being able to ask for help, to refuse if it is offered - such a position may have lots of reasons. One of them is the unwillingness to bother anyone. Although someone's assistance can often make life easier.

7. Fear of defending their rights and boundaries

When someone enters your territory, he is unlikely to enthusiastically accept rebuff. Many people find people who won't let you wipe their feet on themselves as very unpleasant. That is why sometimes a person chooses to be patient, to remain silent, not to notice. If he does this often, he runs the risk of being climbed on his neck.

8. He measures his success by other people's ratings.

Building self-esteem on the foundation of other people's opinions is a disastrous business. People are too different, and their opinion is biased. If you focus only on their praise and advice, there is a great risk of going in the wrong direction.

What to do to deal with the problem

You need to be prepared for the fact that it will not be solved at the snap of your fingers, you will have to work on it. Here are some tips that might help.

Don't blame yourself

You can, of course, strike a pose and say: “Well, the person is to blame for trying to please everyone. It's hard to refuse and take over a responsibility in all my life?" But this is not fair, because we are all pebbles, which have been shaped in one way or another by the waves of time and circumstances. But we can take the young sculptor's kit and finish ourselves.

Take breaks

They will be needed in many situations. For example, before agreeing to something, slow down and think: what solution would be best for you? Before asking for advice, formulate your point of view on the subject of interest.

Focus on the Rational, Not the Emotional

Tangible metrics and footholds will help you be less swayed by the opinions of others. For example, a colleague insists that you should help him with a work task. You can go for emotions and agree. Or you can evaluate the list of tasks for the week and understand that nothing else will fit into it.

Study yourself

To defend your boundaries, you need to clearly understand where these boundaries are. And also to know what your opinion is on this or that issue, what are your desires and so on.

Start moving gradually

A long journey starts with small steps. Say no today. Tomorrow, make it clear that you are offended by ridicule over you. The day after tomorrow, ask the person in line not to stand so close to you. All these are small things that will help you feel that it is possible to be uncomfortable for others and this does not spoil your life. But it gives a lot of bonuses that allow you to feel free.