Why is it difficult for us to forget our first love and what to do about it

American psychologist Nancy Kalish toldWhy we never really get over that first love / The Washington Post the Washington Post about the interesting results of his research. For almost a quarter of a century, she has been collecting information about people who, decades later, reunited with their first love. And she came to the conclusion that if both people are free at the time of a new meeting, in 70% of cases they will converge again, and their union will be quite happy.

These results seem to be a great indication of how much our first crush affects us. Unfortunately, this is not always good for us. Not everyone succeeds, even if they really want to, to build a life with the same person whom they adored at 15. Or that relationship could be

toxic and traumatic and at the same time forever remained in the memory. Psychologists cite several reasons why this happens.

Why is it hard for us to forget our first love?

Dopamine is to blame again

It seems that this "pleasure neurotransmitter" is responsible for literally every "bug" in our brain and psyche, for all our bad habits, stupidity and imperfections. And in the story of his first love, he also noted.

The logic is something like this. We fall in love with a person, and a cocktail of hormones with neurotransmitters, including dopamine, is thrown into our blood. At the same time, we experience many complex and pleasant feelings, and our connection is fixed: the object first love - joy, happiness, pleasure. Moreover, these experiences are the most vivid, because they happened to us for the first time.

It turns out something like a conditioned reflex: we remember a man whom we fell in love with in the ninth grade and who was kissed for the first time in our life - we get a release of dopamine and a lot of pleasant emotions; we want to get a portion of dopamine - remember the first love.

Excellent teenage memory plays a role

The peak of our cognitive abilities, sadly to admit, has toJ. K. Hartshorne, L.a T. Germine. When does cognitive functioning peak? The asynchronous rise and fall of different cognitive abilities across the life span / Psychological Science for youth. Teenagers grasp new information faster, think better, and their memory is also better than those in their 30s and even more so in their 40s.

Therefore, both the first love and the first relationship, which, as a rule, happen precisely in adolescence, are trite to be remembered better than the subsequent ones. A lot of details are stored in memory, and therefore some little thing like the song to which you danced on graduation, or the smell of lilac, under which you first joined hands, can trigger a whole cascade of vivid memories and emotions.

The first relationship is a template for all subsequent ones

No matter how they develop, we tend to constantly look at them as some kind of model. And, of course, we compare all new relationships with them and look for something similar.

In general, this happens with any memorable first experience.

We tend to idealize first love.

Memories are very subjective. We forget some facts, others - distort, we finish building our own past depending on our mood and desires. This is especially true of childhood and adolescence - a period that seems to many to be extremely bright, joyful, filled with pure sincere feelings, loyal friends, blue skies, tall trees and ice cream for funny money.

So people also perceive their first love as the plot of a touching teenage melodrama, losing sight of the negative moments.

What to do if memories get in the way

Sometimes we get so caught up in past relationships that it prevents us from building new ones and generally living a full life. But there are several ways to influence the situation.

1. Arrange a symbolic goodbye

For example, write your last letter to your first love (of course, it is not necessary to send it). Burn or throw away things that remind you of this person. Say goodbye to him in your mind.

2. Don't hurt the wound

Do not go to check her or his profiles on social networks, do not view joint photos, do not listen to "your" songs. At least for a while.

3. Communicate more

Loneliness sets the stage for longing for past relationships and regrets that they are over.

If you have at least a couple of people around you who are interesting to spend time with, not necessarily in a romantic sense, you will not have many reasons to dig into the past and feel sorry for yourself.