Literature, films, parents: where do the attitudes that harm us come from

Miscellaneous / by admin / August 04, 2021

Certain beliefs can get in our way throughout our lives.

Attitudes are ideas or beliefs that determine our behavior and willingness in a particular situation to do this and not otherwise. They help predict what will happen if you act in a certain way. This way it turns out to save time and effort when making decisions. After all, almost any event presupposes a huge set of variables - if every time it was necessary to thoroughly analyze everything, people would deal with any situation much longer.

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Where do toxic installations come from?

Sometimes it happens that the installations stop working and begin to harm. We simply do not understand this and cannot refuse them, because we do not notice the negative effect. Often, some beliefs initially did not benefit us at all. We just got them from people for whom these principles were effective.

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We get such harmful attitudes literally from everywhere. But most often from these sources.

From family

According to psychotherapist Yulia Kolonskaya, our attitudes are often determined by people we trust. Most of their lives are parents.

Julia Kolonskaya

Psychotherapist.

When an authoritative person says something, we take it for granted. We were repeated several times, but we did not begin to doubt it.

Advisors can broadcast both helpful and harmful statements. For example, mom says:

You can not cross the road at a red light.
If you don't wash your hands before eating, you can get sick.
All the people around are traitors, so no one can be trusted.
You are not good for anything and you will be lost without your mother.

The first two statements are good, their benefits, if desired, can be confirmed by scientific works. The second two can significantly worsen life. But the listener can take statements equally to heart if they come from the mouth of a person whom he trusts.

Moreover, in order for a child to transmit attitudes from parents, these statements do not even need to be taught.

Rinat Khamzin

Psychologist.

Parents, in one way or another, are role models, since children learn important life things from them: attitude to the world, work, other people, and themselves. That is, the child, as it were, looks at the world through their eyes. This stays with the baby further in life.

It is no coincidence that psychologists are trying to dig deep into the childhood of clients. Not to accuse parents and calm down - the parents probably really wanted the best for the child. And to remove obstacles that exist only in the head.

Andrei

He lived with his father, who blamed everyone for everything.

Unfortunately, there are hundreds, if not thousands of people like me. For many reasons, from childhood, we were constantly instilled with some kind of inferiority complex in comparison with others. Igor has an A in algebra, and you have a C! Vova listens to his grandmother, but you don't! Misha helps around the house, and you are a dunce! Well, they would just scold us - they constantly poked us in the face that we are worse than others.

My parents divorced pretty early. I stayed with my father and grandmother. I constantly listened that my mother was bad. And everything bad about me is from her. On the scale of success in life from zero to ten, my father was always somewhere in the area of negative numbers, and therefore, in general, everyone around was bastards, speculators and thieves. We are alone in a white coat! But even in this white coat still worse than Igor, Vova, Misha and so on.

As a result, I got so many complexes and psychological problems that I still don’t understand how I didn’t do anything with myself in my teens. It's good that after all, I really have a lot inside from my mother. Probably, this is what allowed me at one time to say to myself and to my relatives: "Enough!" And start working with yourself.

It's a shame to say, but I even took pick-up courses to deal with my own complexes. And how many hundreds of hours have been spent in conversations with real and imaginary psychologists. However, with me, probably for the rest of my life, there was a whole bunch of problems that poison everyday life very coolly.

From school

And also from kindergarten, from university - from everywhere where there are teachers. At home, we arm ourselves with the harmful attitude “the teacher is always right” (of course not) and go to the teachers, who are very different people. Someone changes our life so that we are grateful to them until old age. Well, the other hangs up harmful attitudes that have been pursuing us for a long time. However, one person can be distinguished by both positive and negative influences.

For example, it is not uncommon for teachers to pay more attention to laggards and hooligans. Excellent and good students remain on their own, because they already cope. But for kids, getting attention is important. And with what sign it is - the tenth thing. And here's a ready-made installation: love those who create problems. Then we get people who deliberately call jealousy in a relationship or play on the partner's nerves in some other way.

And from the attitude “the teacher is always right” it logically follows “if you are older in position, then you can create any game”. That teaches you to endure the antics of your superior and in the same way allow yourself a lot if you are higher in the hierarchy.

In general, the list of complications is long, and you will probably continue it yourself easily.

From books

No matter how many literary scholars may say that the book owes nothing to anyone, and that the author alone knows what the author had in mind, many functions continue to be attributed to works. And above all educational.

And even if initially the writers do not set themselves any tasks, we get a lot of information from books. Including attitudes - negative and positive.

Examples can be found all in the same literature. Pushkinskaya Tatiana fell in love with Onegin, because the heroines of the novels she adored sighed for someone: “It's time to come, she fell in love. Long sincere longing for her / Pressed her young breast; / The soul was waiting... for someone. " Or I could, say, read Mary Shelley's Frankenstein and reflect on the responsibility of the creator to his creation.

Anna

Flirted on the advice of a novel about the events of the 19th century.

As a child, I read Gone With the Wind and was impressed by Scarlett's popularity with men. The book, in general, describes in some detail what a lady should be and how to behave in order to enjoy success. And for some reason I couldn't find anything better than flirting like in a novel.

It may seem to you that it is foolish to use the description of events of the second half of the 19th century as a textbook for coquetry. But it is not so. Modern adepts wisdom work quite in the canon: you need to seem ephemeral, brainless and weak creature, so that against your background any man looks ok.

So the ideas of the book went well with female gender socialization, and I really tried. The problem is that you can't simultaneously win against a guy in intellectual contests and pretend to be unicellular in front of him. Only someone who is completely stupid will believe in this, and adoration of this is no longer interesting to me.

Naturally, this did not give anything good in his personal life. Because if you broadcast something that you are not, the result will not be at all what you are real expecting. Non-reciprocal love helped me, oddly enough. I relaxed and just became myself. And suddenly “those” people appeared around.

From movies and TV series

Movies often show a life that the viewer cannot get, but wants to experience. And the hero often has a happy ending, even if it is completely illogical. Unsurprisingly, we draw a little more conclusions from the films than we need to.

For example, there are a huge number of romantic clichés that people carry into their personal lives. Although the laws of cinema are completely different: the more drama, peaks of emotions, surges of tension, the more interesting it is to watch. In fact, such a relationship can hardly be called harmonious, and it is rather unpleasant to exist in them.

Take the idea that the right people understand each other without words. Partly yes - if they have been together for a long time and were attentive and observant. But this is not the default option. Such expectations lead to the fact that partners do not know how to explain their desires and unwillingness in words and then get offended and angry when the beloved do not read their thoughts.

From the media

It would be nice to separate information resources and gloss here. Both categories are effective in enforcing attitudes. Only the subject matter is a little different. The former will form the picture of the world as a whole and determine which politicians or countries we love and what we fear.

Gloss comes from the other side, telling how it should be and what it shouldn't be. Moreover, he broadcasts his ideas not only through texts, but also through pictures. Gloss pours a lot of water into the mill dysmorphophobia - a mental disorder associated with rejection of their appearance.

Photoshopped photographs demonstrate: you have to be thin, with perfect skin, lush hair, and so on. Never mind that even the models posing for these photos don't look that way. As a result, it turns out that already in preschool age children are unhappyG. Tatangelo, M. McCabe, D. Mellor, A. Mealey. A systematic review of body dissatisfaction and sociocultural messages related to the body among preschool children / Body Image with your body. Girls begin to perceive thinness as something good even before the age of three, and at five-third of them refuse to eat in order to be slimmer. Now this "function" of gloss has also been taken over by social network.

Here, perhaps, you can add advertising, which already in a directive form dictates what to be and what to do, so that life will improve, the hair shines, and the runny nose is gone forever.

From folk wisdom

At the beginning, we already said that negative attitudes were once not harmful, but quite worked. They didn't necessarily make you happy, they just made life a little easier. But times have changed, and for some reason we drag along installation of peoplewho were in completely different conditions.

For example, the proverbs “Where I was born, it came in handy there” and “Better a bird in the hands than a pie in the sky” taught those who simply could not live differently to be content with little. For example, for a serf peasant, the issue of voluntary resettlement to another region was not very relevant.

The modern person has a lot of options how to be. If only he liked it. And it can come in handy everywhere. Nevertheless, many do not dare to take important and desired steps, being content with the titmouse, even if it has died long ago.

Nastya

She listened to folk proverbs from her father.

When I moved to another city, I constantly heard: "Who needs you there?" I cannot say that these are my settings - these are the settings of my dad. Separately, he was worried that I would be left without connections. So, according to the Pope, I will definitely suffer, everyone will deceive me, I will not find a job and I will die in poverty.

I moved more than nine years ago, a new move is coming, but he still can't put up with it, he calls back.

From my own experience

Everything works here as with training. If you have done something and received a carrot, then this is a good deed, we must continue. If you clicked on the nose, you shouldn't do this anymore. But events in life depend on a million accidents, so experience does not always create correct and useful attitudes.

For example, a person ran across the road at a green traffic light, but was hit by a car. He could conclude that it is better to let cars pass into this light, otherwise it is too dangerous. But most likely the victim will only become a little more circumspect. It's just that there are traffic rules that say: you have to cross the road to a green light.

But in many situations we do not have an external moderator who determines what is good and bad. Therefore, we sometimes come to hasty conclusions. For example, once faced with betrayal, we cease to trust all people. And that's great complicates life.

What to do with negative attitudes

Identifying the statements that spoil your life is already a significant part of the job. Rinat Khamzin advises to take a diary and start tracking the settings yourself. These can be phrases and beliefs that interfere with the achievement of a certain goal, limit or inhibit actions.

Rinat Khamzin

Psychologist.

An important point: while the installation did not interfere, we did not notice it. As soon as we begin to feel resistance, we need to ask ourselves the question: is it possible that it is the negative attitude that prevents me from seeing the positive in this situation? In order to find this phrase, it is best to devote some time to this procedure, to concentrate on yourself, on the issue that worries you the most and the solution of which is very important.

But there is one pitfall here. According to Yulia Kolonskaya, the guidelines do not lie somewhere in a separate list, which is easy to get and look at. Most often, they are well hidden in places that the person himself will never revise. There are blind spots that are almost impossible to see from the inside.

Therefore, it is better to talk to someone who will see and show them. It can be any person, but it is better to consult a psychologist or psychotherapist. Communication with a specialist will greatly simplify the process.

Dealing with attitudes is a huge job that will take a lot of time and effort. Sometimes you have to literally rip out of yourself what you wholeheartedly believed in for years.

Julia Kolonskaya

Psychotherapist.

To do this, you need to analyze in detail and carefully what settings you have now, what goals and objectives, and how one relates to the other. And does your sacred knowledge accurately reflect reality? This revision should be done preventively from time to time, because new beliefs continue to form throughout life.

If you stop running at the speed of light on the beaten track, it may turn out that it has many branches that you can also follow. In the fight against negative attitudes, it is necessary to look at reality more voluminously and be guided not only by the experience confirming them.

For example, a person thinks that a relationship promises one misfortune, and it is impossible to earn money for an apartment with your labor. And of course, there are dozens of cases around him that confirm both theses. But there are probably also opposite examples.

Fighting attitudes is difficult and even painful. But it will help you feel better about yourself, stop creating false restrictions, and live happier lives. Sounds like enough motivation to get started.

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