5 ways to ruin any conversation

1. Interrupt the interlocutor and pull the blanket over yourself

It is very pleasant to talk about yourself. This process, as it turned outThe Neuroscience of Everybody's Favorite Topic / Scientific American in a small study at Harvard University, "turns on" the dopaminergic system in the brain and triggers the release of dopamine, the neurotransmitter of pleasure. The same mechanisms work when a person, for example, eats delicious food or has sex. That is, the effect is such that it can be really difficult to resist.

And nevertheless, if we are not talking about an interview or a psychotherapeutic session, a conversation is an activity in which at least two participate, and they participate on an equal footing. And everyone wants to tell about themselves, share news, express opinions and be heard.

If someone constantly interrupts, shifts attention to himself and does not allow others to insert the word, the conversation for the interlocutors ceases to be pleasant. A couple of times this can be tolerated, but the third time you will not want to communicate with the eternally "yak" person.

So, even if you really can't wait to cut off the interlocutor in mid-sentence and “climb onto the podium” instead of him, it is important to “slow down” yourself and give the other side the opportunity to completely finish the thought.

2. Devalue other people's problems

"Imagine, my vacation is interrupted again, I am in such a disorder, even cry!" - says one person to another. And the second one answers: “Pf! Is this a reason to be upset? Me too! Nobody died. You will go next year. "

This is how depreciation may look exaggerated.Devaluation and Idealization in BPD / Verywell Mind - a kind of emotional abuse, in which someone's problems, achievements, experiences, qualities or features are artificially belittled and made insignificant.

Sometimes a person does this to others out of envy, sometimes out of habit, because this format is accepted in his social circle. Sometimes devaluation can even be a kind of psychological defense, a desire to isolate oneself from unpleasant emotions. But whatever the reasons, the interlocutor is unlikely to like this manner of conducting a conversation.

Devaluation is at least insulting and unpleasant, and for someone who is going through really tough times, it can be quite traumatic. Therefore, before brushing off the interlocutor and saying that his troubles are not so terrible, and his achievements are not so significant (“Just think, I found a job! It could have been earlier, not four months later ”), you should pause and remind yourself that support and praise are better than barbs and criticism.

3. Complain constantly

On the one hand, complaining helps to let off steam and ease your worries a little. But on the other hand, they lead to the fact that a person, instead of acting on his own or asking for real help, becomes locked in problems and no longer sees the "light at the end of the tunnel."

This is how chronic complainants appear who torment themselves and those around them. Over and over again to listen to stories about inadequate the leader, ungrateful children, an indifferent spouse, low wages, lack of strength and mood can, perhaps, only very close and loving people.

Sharing your problems with another person is absolutely normal. But, first, it is important to consider the context: how appropriate it is, whether the interlocutor is ready to listen or is he himself full of troubles.

And secondly, it does not hurt to assess the percentage of complaints among other topics and conversations. If he is tall and endless stories about his problems do not help in any way to solve them, it is probably time to sit down and think over a specific plan of action and, if necessary, seek help.

4. Arrange interrogation with bias

“Well, why did you do that?”, “Was it really impossible to take care of everything in advance?”, “Why didn’t you consult with me?”, “And how do you now think to correct the situation?”. Such questions are not a sincere interest in the interlocutor and not caring about him, but poorly veiled accusations and claims. They will not help a person cope with a difficult situation, but will only make him justify himself and feel worthless. Or, perhaps, they will cause a natural aggression and provoke a conflict.

If you want to help, it is better not to try to find out who is right and who is to blame, not to put pressure on the patient, not to hint that it was necessary to act differently, but to sympathize and offer your support.

5. Make diagnoses and give advice

“This is all because you are very closed and scare people away!”, “It's just that the past presses on you parting, and you cannot start a new relationship "," You have low self-esteem, this is all the trouble "," Oh, well you straight typical Capricorn in the phase of Mercury retrograde "," I also had a similar experience, I just drank a course of vitamins, and everything worked out. Go and buy today! "

The desire to put a label on another, to make a verdict as soon as possible and "prescribe treatment" is understandable and natural. This is a way to make yourself feel significant and show how well you know the subject. But if the interlocutor does not ask for such an assessment, it is not a fact that he needs it and he will not be offended or discouraged.

In addition, medical or psychological "diagnoses" can send the suggested person down the wrong path and end badly: fallen self-esteem, new complexes, rash decisions and problems with health.