To make a career, you need to feel sorry for and love yourself. This is why it happens

We've all been taught that loving ourselves is selfish and even foolish. But to neglect, to sacrifice oneself is a virtue.

So if you are like most careerists, you probably know the cold inner voice that regularly communicates how worthless, selfish, incompetent, and even stupid you are. He rarely stops talking. And it definitely sounds louder than a whisper of approval.

It would never occur to you to treat someone you love the way you treat yourself: call names, kick for the slightest missteps, consider them unworthy of big goals. Meanwhile, when you are hurt or disappointed, harsh words like "Stop feeling sorry for yourself!", "There are people who find it harder than you!" or "Pull yourself together!" do not help to gather at all. On the contrary, they increase the scale of the catastrophe and prevent you from overcoming it.

Why stop scolding yourself

People who try to be critical of themselves believe that self-forgiveness is dangerous. Because of him, we can allegedly relax, retreat, surrender. But scourging yourself will help to clench your teeth and move towards your goal. They are wrong.

Criticizing yourself after making a mistake is like throwing your fists at firefighters while your house is on fire.

This adds humiliation to the stress already experienced. This means that you have to overcome two psychological obstacles instead of one, which reduces the chances of correcting the situation and ultimately achieving success.

When you ripped off an important deadline, did not receive the expected promotion or were fired, it is self-reproach that becomes a key obstacle to further career. Refuse self-criticism, support yourself after a fall: this is what will give you the strength and motivation to sit back in the saddle.

How self-sustainability leads to success

Neuroscientists have found that there is a direct link between self-compassion and success. Research showsClayton Critcher, David Dunning. Self-affirmations provide a broader perspective on self-threat / Personality and Social Psychology Bulletinthat self-love and self-support serve as a kind of "cognitive extenders", allowing us to talk to ourselves in the way we could communicate with a loved one. This love, the feeling of the rear behind our back, energizes us, increases productivity and makes us move forward with a vengeance.

Scientists from the University of Wisconsin (USA) have establishedAntoine Lutz, Julie Brefczynski-Lewis, Tom Johnstone, Richard J. Davidson. Regulation of the Neural Circuitry of Emotion by Compassion Meditation: Effects of Meditative Expertise / PLOS ONE: the better a person has developed self-compassion, the more sensitive and empathic he is to others. And such sensitivity, according to some sourcesThe Importance of Empathy in the Workplace / Center for Creative Leadershipis directly related to professional success and productivity.

The ability to forgive yourself for mistakes you have made also contributes to achievement. In particular, it helps to more effectively draw conclusions and correct the situation. Thus, a small survey conducted among students at Carleton University (Canada) showedMichael, J. A. Wohl, Timothy A. Pychyl, Shannon H. Bennett. I forgive myself, now I can study: How self-forgiveness for procrastinating can reduce future procrastination / Personality and Individual Differences: those of them who did not reproach themselves for taking too long procrastinated and postponed preparation for the first exam, less often distracted from books before the second.

How to learn to support yourself

Treating yourself with compassion and love is a skill that makes life so much easier. Thanks to him, in difficult moments, you will only deal with stressful experiences, and not with the additional negativity caused by self-flagellation.

And you can learn to feel sorry for and support yourself in the same way as mastering playing some musical instrument. Just regular exercise is enough.

Here are some tips to help you become a trusted friend and support for yourself.

1. Remember: you should always be for yourself, not against. In any difficult situation, treat yourself as warmly as you would treat a friend or loved one.
2. Make a habit of stressful moments inwardly speaking to yourself in a soothing, loving and compassionate tone. Imagine that you are applying a healing ointment to the wound and at the same time trying to say something supportive. This is how your inner voice should sound.
3. Say "stop!" every time you find yourself scolding, calling names or shaming yourself. Instead, try to objectively assess your mistakes. Most likely, you will find that you are too harsh with yourself.
4. Praise yourself when you complete a project or achieve another goal. Repeat: “I'm proud of you! I am cool!" This will empower that reassuring voice that is usually hidden in the shadow of your inner critic.

It doesn't matter what you are dealing with - a small nuisance or a large-scale crisis. A nurturing voice can help reduce stress and give you the confidence and strength to overcome the obstacle. And the inner critic only takes these forces away. The choice is obvious, and it is self-love.