This trick will help convince the most intractable person.
Miscellaneous / / May 07, 2021
Turn affirmations into questions, and success is guaranteed.
Jeff Hayden
Blogger, author of the book “The Myth of Motivation. How successful people set themselves up for victory "
I liked Don. He was my mentor and later my friend. A boss with more than 20 years of experience - and I, at that time, a newcomer to this role. I had a lot to learn from him.
But for a while he pissed me off. Especially when I had new ideas. At such moments, I ran to his office, full of confidence and enthusiasm. He described his plan in colors, provided all the facts, figures, reasoning. I laid out everything to him, and at the end he said, not one iota doubting his support: “It's great, isn't it? Let's do that!"
And Don crossed his arms over his chest, frowned, looked somewhere past me. And in the end he reported: “Somehow too much. I don't see how this can be implemented. Not".
The same situation was repeated over and over again. In the end, I decided that Don, as they say, had expired. Too old school. Too ossified. "We don't do that here" and all that.
Of course, Don was a representative of the old school and had his own ideas about how to do and how to do it right. I confess that at that time, I and several other "young" bosses treated his experience with less respect than he deserved. However, the problem was not with the old school. And not that my ideas were bad. I realized this a little later.
My energy, my pressure, the ideas I poured in were a signal for Don that he was no longer needed. What is his point of view, methods, experience are no longer valuable.
Therefore, he refused. Saying "no" to him helped Don to restore the feeling that he was in control of the situation, it was not superfluous.
There was another nuance. I didn't take into account that Don liked to think before making a decision. He liked to go away and work through the problem in his head, then share a thoughtful, fully formed opinion. And I expected an immediate energetic response from him, which forced me to defend myself. With no time to think, he instinctively resorted to the tried and tested method: say no and maintain the safe status quo.
I tried a different approach one day.
“Don,” I said. - I have an idea. I think it makes sense. But something is missing. I would like to share it with you. Could you think about it for a day or two and then tell me what you think?
Don liked it. I showed him that I appreciate his wisdom and experience. I was not just waiting for his consent, but asked for help, a hint, his opinion. This gave Don the opportunity not to take a defensive position, but to reflect in a comfortable environment.
To be not a hindrance, but a part of the process, part of a solution, respected and involved - that's what Don wanted. That's what everyone wants.
By turning my idea into a respectful question, I saved Don from the need to defend himself. He was able to relax, which made him more open, friendly and understanding. In the end, he was ready to listen, delve into and accept ideas.
At that time, I did not know this yet, but science agrees with this approach. StudyThe question – behavior effect: What we know and where we go from here, published in the journal Social Influence, shows how questions can powerfully change human behavior.
When you speak to people in an affirmative, commanding tone, they feel aggression, pressure. And they show less willingness to compromise.
However, it is enough to reformulate the same thesis in the form of a question-request, how a person's behavior changes: he feels trust, respect and it is easier to agree with what is offered to him.
Here are options for questions to replace statements. If, of course, you want the interlocutor to meet you halfway.
- Let's do it like this → What do you think, maybe we should try this option?
- Here's what I suggest → Is this a good solution for you?
- This is the best option → How do you feel about doing this?
As you formulate your question, think about which words will help the person feel as involved, valuable, and respected as possible. The better you choose them, the higher the chance of hearing "yes" instead of a flat refusal.
Read also🧐
- How to convince people with social psychology
- How to convince anyone: 9 fail-safe tricks
- Psychological life hack: how to convince a person that he is wrong
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