Why we depend on someone else's approval and what to do if no one praises

According to a large-scale survey conducted byEmployees Want a Lot More From Their Managers Gallup in 2015 in the United States, employees are more involved and more enjoyable when leaders tell them about their strengths.

Another study showedThe Role of Positivity and Connectivity in the Performance of Business Teams: A Nonlinear Dynamics Modelthat teams that achieved high results received almost six times more positive feedback on their work than teams whose achievements were more modest.

Recognition of our merits and positive qualities makes us more content, joyful and productive. But sometimes the leadership and loved ones are not too generous with good words, and the expectation of approval turns into a painful addiction. We figure out why we need praise so much and what to do if we do not receive it.

Where does the desire to get approval come from?

Psychologists believeHow to Stop Relying on Praise From Others and Find Inner Confidence; Praise: why we crave it so much at work and in our personal lives, and how to live without itthat in general it is a natural need: it is important for us to know that we are doing everything right, we are appreciated, and what we do matters.

And the point here is not only in psychology, but also in biology. In one small experiment, participants received either monetary rewards or approval and compliments for their work. And with the help of MRI, scientists found outProcessing of Social and Monetary Rewards in the Human Striatumthat in both cases the same areas in the brain are activated as during orgasm. That is, we literally experienceCompliments Are Like Mini-Orgasms for Your Brain bliss from praise. There is speculation that dopamine, which is responsible for the sensation of pleasure, is involved in this process, but the detailed mechanism has yet to be revealed.

In addition, the desire to hear words of praise addressed to oneself more often is associated with the peculiarities of upbringing: how often and for what a person was praised in childhood, how self-confident or, conversely, dependent on approval, he was raised.

Research also showsSocial Rewards Enhance Offline Improvements in Motor Skillthat praise helps us better learn and reinforce new skills. Accordingly, those of us who are praised are more likely to succeed and receive even more approval and pleasure than those who are deprived of this "doping."

Why counting on praise isn't always right

In essence, approval from another person is extrinsic motivation. Yes, in the short term, it spurs us on, helps us to work more efficiently and happier.

But, first of all, in this case it is important that we receive it regularly, and this is almost impossible. A poll in the USA showedWhy Do So Many Managers Avoid Giving Praise?that 37% of executives do not give positive feedback to employees at all.

And secondly, we becomeHow to Let Go of the Need for Approval dependent on praise and compliments, we stop hearing ourselves and focus only on the opinion of others, of course, not always objective. And this leads to mistakes, disappointments and generally does not make anyone happy.

What to do if you really need approval but don't get it

Too obsessive and painful need for praise, according to4 Steps to Stop Seeking Approval from Others psychologists - a wake-up call. And it's better to try to deal with this problem than to live from compliment to compliment. Here are a fewOvercoming the need to please; Praise: why we crave it so much at work and in our personal lives, and how to live without it recommendations.

1. Understand the reasons

It's okay to want to be told something pleasant. But if, in the absence of this pleasant, your productivity and mood plummet, and you do not feel valuable, it is worth analyzing the reasons.

Maybe you are not sure that you are coping with the tasks to the fullest or that your work is important. Or in your family and school you have been taught the idea that when they are praised is good, and when they are not, it means that you are to blame for something and have made a mistake somewhere. You may have had a traumatic experience with criticism and now you want to make sure you are doing everything right.

There are many reasons, and what to do next depends on them. For example, if you are in doubt that you are doing well enough, you can ask your boss or other trusted professional for feedback. Feedback is not praise or criticism, but a detailed opinion that touches both positive aspects and growth zones and helps you become better.

And if the root of the problem is in the relationship with the parents, it may be worth working through it with a therapist.

2. Learn to focus on the process, not the result

In words, this is much easier than in practice. But if you can develop the skill to focus on the process, you will never lose.

This skill needs to be trained: look for what you like in your activity and try to pay attention only to this, not allowing yourself to run too far ahead and think about what will happen in the end and how they will react others.

3. Praise yourself

This is the most important task - to find support and support within yourself, and not outside. Our entire society is built on external motivation, so it is not easy to find the internal one and hold on to it.

You can start by celebrating all your successes and accomplishments, even small ones. Or keep a diary of achievements and write down at least a few reasons to admire yourself every day: I got to work on time, found time to play board games with the child, finished knitting difficult sweater.

Try to criticize yourself less, do without nasty things and depreciation in your address and tell yourself more often that you are well done.