5 subtle mistakes that can ruin even the strongest friendships

Miscellaneous / by admin / April 05, 2021

This article is part of the project “One on one». In it we talk about relationships with ourselves and others. If the topic is close to you, share your story or opinion in the comments. Will wait!

Friendship makes our life more joyful and fulfilling. But it only becomes more difficult to make friends with age, and sometimes a small mistake is enough to destroy a relationship. Here are the actions that can lead to this.

1. Silencing problems

Conflicts occur in any relationship. This is completely normal. If you can pay off correctly, they will only strengthen your friendship. But the opposite situation - when people swallow grievances and accumulate negative emotions - can lead to the fact that the relationship will end sooner or later.

Sometimes this happens because there are more unpleasant moments in communication than joyful ones. And sometimes - simply because people did not understand each other, they screwed themselves up, and did not bother to clarify the situation. And this is terribly insulting!

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Nastya

Foolishly lost her friend.

At the institute, I was friends with my classmate Olya for two years. We had a lot in common. It was incredibly interesting for us together, and besides, I could always count on her support in some difficult situations. Olya literally was for my mother and for the psychotherapist.

Then a black streak began on all fronts: in my personal life, in my studies, and in general everywhere. I suppose that at that time I was a rather dull and self-centered interlocutor, but Olya tried to support me as best she could. But one day on the next stream of mine complaints she replied something like, “Yeah, I see. And here I am this weekend... ”And very joyfully began to talk about how she had fun and how she is doing well.

I was in such a disgusting state that I regarded it as a deliberate mockery and was terribly offended. I just silently stopped communicating with Olya, without discussing anything or asking questions. She did not understand what was happening, tried to clarify the situation and make peace through mutual acquaintances. But for some reason I stubbornly pretended to be offended. So I never became a great girlfriend. A couple of years later, we slowly began to communicate again, but the old relationship was never restored.

2. Lack of live communication

Sociologists found outHow many hours does it take to make a friend?: It takes about 50 hours of communication for people to go from strangers to buddies. And for friendship to develop into a strong friendship, it takes 200 hours.

Further, friendship also needs to be maintained, otherwise it will gradually fade away. Moreover, it is important not only to correspond in messengers and like each other on social networks, but also to meet in the real world, and not through the screens of gadgets.

Live communication has advantages that we forget about. You can hear your friend's intonation, see his facial expressions and gestures. This will help you better establish contact and avoid silly misunderstandings. You can touch a person, hug him, take his hand, pat on the shoulder - thanks to this,Human Connections Start With A Friendly Touch attachment hormone oxytocin.

Finally, you can go somewhere together: laugh at comedy in the cinema or see pictures at a new exhibition. Without all of this, friendship turns into a long-distance relationship, and it will be much more difficult to maintain it.

Igor

Lost all my friends.

I studied at two universities, I was always sociable and easy-going, so I had a lot of friends. We all the time went somewhere together, gathered at each other's homes, went to barbecue, arranged birthdays.

And then it started. Work, financial difficulties, family, child, buying an apartment, cars. There was less and less free time and less energy. I wanted to spend weekends and evenings with my family. When my friends called me somewhere, I more and more often refused.

In the end, we just broke up with them and now only sometimes we throw a few words in social networks.

3. Gossip

Friendship involves trust. We share personal information with loved ones that we do not want to share with strangers. Refraining from spilling a secret or simply discussing a person with someone else can be very difficult at times. Therefore, almost all people gossip. Scientists believeThe Science Behind Why People Gossip - And When It Can Be a Good Thingthat it is our natural behavior that even helped our ancestors to survive.

But gossip can end badly: no one will like it if friends they will start talking behind their backs, discussing other people's problems and secrets.

Zhenya

For a long time I did not understand why friends stopped communicating with her.

At the institute we had a good strong company. We talked both during school and on weekends. We went to each other's birthday parties, after graduation they wanted to arrange a joint trip. That is, everything was going well. But after graduation, which went off with a bang, they suddenly stopped communicating with me. Nobody wrote or called. Nobody wished me happy birthday or New Year.

I, too, was kind of proud and did not get in touch. But I was scrolling this situation in my head for a long time and finally remembered a couple of episodes when I spoke very unflatteringly about the boyfriend of one of my friends while she was not around. Then mutual acquaintances confirmed my guess: this information reached my friend, she turned everyone against me, and that's all - me just crossed out from the company.

Many years have passed, but I still feel a little guilty. Although my friends also acted not quite honestly, as it seems to me. You could first talk and find out what was the matter.

4. Self-obsession

It is important for some people to be the center of attention, to be listened to and admired. But any relations Is always a balance. If you want to receive something, you need to give about the same amount. And the speech, of course, is not about material resources, but about time, strength, emotions. So, if a person only speaks, but does not let a friend share his experiences, he will get tired of it very quickly.

If you find it difficult to be a good listener, try to make a conscious effort during the conversation and make sure that you and your friend take turns talking.

Katya

She did not tolerate an inattentive friend.

A couple of years ago I started to communicate with one guy. It was interesting with him, but at some point I realized that all our conversations revolve only around him. The person did not ask about my affairs at all, and if I spoke myself, he listened without enthusiasm and again turned the conversation over to himself.

I once explained that I do not like it and I see friendship a little differently. But nothing has changed, and I gradually reduced the communication to nothing.

5. Envy

Envy quite natural: someone's grass is always greener. Sometimes this feeling is constructive, that is, it inspires us to work harder, set goals, try new things and at the same time not spit poison in the direction of her object. And sometimes envy turns into a dark monster that makes us feel negative emotions, devalue a friend and even put a stick in his wheels. This is very destructive for the person himself and for the relationship.

Dealing with envy is difficult: it often growsThe Dark Side of Self-Esteem out of colossal self-doubt. If you can't work through this feeling on your own, try seeing a counselor.

Have you found yourself in similar situations? What was the reason for the end of the friendship? Share in the comments.