10 communication patterns in couples that harm relationships

Communication is not easy for everyone. Sometimes, at first glance, everything seems to be normal, but you or your partner unconsciously say phrases over and over again that increase tension and discomfort. Repetitive expressions like this usually signal unhealthy communication patterns in a relationship.

Psychotherapist Marcy Cole, who has consulted couples for over 20 years, identified ten such patterns and described how to break them and learn a new love language.

1. Accusations

What phrases signal this

• "You always…"
• "You never…"
• "It's you who start ..."
• "Why you are not…"
• "It's your fault!"
• "You're wrong!"

Effects: defensive behavior, mistrust, lack of communication, weakening of the feeling of intimacy.

What to do

Solve the problem, not discuss who is to blame.

Think how serious this is

When you are ready to blame your partner for something, slow down for a minute. Most of the things we tend to get upset about are misunderstandings and little things. If you are sure that the case is important, look for ways to solve the problem, and do not throw accusations around.

Do the boomerang exercise

Shift your attention to yourself. Not to blame, but to look at the situation differently. Perhaps what you blame your partner for so vehemently is what you are critical relate to yourself and what you try to avoid.

Listen to each other

Let everyone share how they felt about the situation that triggered the conflict. Don't interrupt each other in the process. Just listen and try to put yourself in your partner's shoes.

Start a Difficult AMOR Conversation

People are often afraid to talk about something, knowing that confrontation will follow. In such cases, take the following four steps:

• Affirmation. Use a positive statement first. For example: "I know that you love me and wish me happiness, and I appreciate it."
• The message. Then move on to something that is hard for you to say, and to a loved one - it's hard to hear. For example: “Sometimes I need to be listened to and not told what to do and what to feel. Otherwise, I just close myself. "
• Overpowering. Continue to explain: “When you just listen to me and let me know that you hear and understand, I am very pleased. It helps us to change habitual behavior and become closer. "
• Resolution of the situation. Expressing your feelings or requests in this way does not sound like accusations. This means that it will be easier for you to understand each other and establish communication.

Result: increased feeling proximity, understanding, empathy, forgiveness.

2. Account management

What phrases signal this

• "I do for you... but you do nothing for me!"
• "This week I three times ..."
• "I always…"
• "You never ..."

Effects: relationship of winner and loser, irritation, rivalry.

What to do

Try to make everyone win.

Both be the one who gives

A relationship in which one always only gives and the other only receives, will not be healthy. Conversely, when both parties give something to each other, each feels gratitude and joy, he does not feel like he is being used.

Give thanks

“Thank you for responding quickly”, “I am always pleased to hear a compliment from you!”, “It seems that I haven’t told you for a long time how special you are!” - there is always something to thank or praise for. Just say it sincerely.

Ask, don't demand

You can say essentially the same thing, but in different words, and get different results. If your partner is constantly late at work, do not ask for him change. Draw his attention to this in a different way by telling how you feel about his actions.

For example: “When you often come home late, I don't feel important to you. It would be very valuable for me if you managed to come more often earlier. Then I feel that you reflect on my emotions and keep your word. This sets the tone for the rest of the evening. "

Result: Rush of endorphins and renewed gratitude.

3. Repetitive routine

What phrases signal this

• "We never do anything!"
• "Why can you never come with me ..."
• "You just lie on the couch forever."
• “Maybe we’ll go to a new place at least once?”

Effects: frustration, boredom, indifference, decreased desire.

What to do

Change your routine.

Try new things together

Constantly being in a cycle of affairs and responsibilities, it is easy to get stuck in your own little world and get bored. Remind yourself that there is a huge outside world and that there is much that you haven't seen or tried yet. Pick goals that interest both of you and go in search of new experiences.

Arrange dates

Couples who have been together for a long time usually stop spending time on this. But it is communication, shared experiences, and fun that keep the relationship alive. So try to arrange romantic meetings for yourself as often as at the beginning of a meeting.

Change the language of communication

• "I want to spend time with you."
• "I have a surprise for you".
• "Let's go somewhere together."
• “Let's go to that party and talk to new people. "
• "Let's go somewhere we've never been before."
• "Maybe let's try ourselves in ???"

Result: new discoveries, curiosity, anticipation, laughter, stronger connection.

4. Unwillingness to make concessions

What phrases signal this

• "Because I want to".
• "Let's do this."
• "You're wrong!"
• "It's not done that way."

Effects: despondency, resentment, disunity.

What to do

Replace "I" with "we".

Communicate your couple's values

To do this, formulate a statement that reflects what is important to you as a couple and what you are striving for. For example: “We show respect, admiration, and deep love for each other. We choose to develop separately and together and enjoy our common life. "

Rebuild your thinking

Remember that you both deserve to be happy. Look for ways that can help you achieve this.

Change the language of communication

• "What do you want to do?"
• "Maybe we can do this and that?"
• "Let's do our own thing, and then we'll meet together ..."

Result: a sense of connection, togetherness, balance.

5. A reminder of old wounds

What phrases signal this

• "You always do that."
• "Well, here you are again ..."
• "You're still not going to apologize for ..."

Effects: re-experiencing pain due to past grievances and disappointments, avoidance, suppression your feelings and desires.

What to do

Try to be aware of the present.

Notice when the past draws you in

An overly harsh reaction to some action of a partner is most often a projection of an old trauma. It can be from childhood, from a previous relationship, or an earlier stage of the current one. As soon as you notice that you are returning to the old days, try to look at the situation and at your partner with a new perspective, with openness and without prejudice.

Change the language of communication

• "I'm here with you".
• "I want to understand".
• "What do you want now?"
• "What can I say or do to make you feel better?"

Result: a new understanding of oneself, healing from old traumas, enjoying the moment.

6. Familiar track

What phrases signal this

• "So it does not matter".
• "I do not care".
• "I do not remember".

Effects: the loss interest to a partner, passivity, disunity.

What to do

Remember what you like about each other.

"Switch on" when communicating with a partner

We get used to our daily routine, including stopping to appreciate the relationship as in the beginning. And when talking with a partner, we often answer automatically. To get out of this familiar rut, remind yourself of what initially attracted you to your partner, and try to notice this in him more often.

Change the language of communication

• "Do you remember how we ..."
• "I want to call you ..."
• "I miss being together... Let's renew this tradition."
• "I love it when you ..."
• “Let's arrange date».

Result: strengthening intimacy, returning desire.

7. Trying to think alike

What phrases signal this

• "You approve of this idea too, don't you?"
• "You will agree with me?"
• "I can't believe you're against it."

Effects: falsehood, instability.

What to do

Be simpler about disagreements.

Be yourself

Sincerity is important in a relationship, which means that everyone should express a real opinion, and not agree from courtesy. Otherwise, you will simply deny yourself and your needs.

Embrace the differences between you and enjoy them

Of course, it's important to have something in common, but differences will only deepen the relationship and enrich both of you. You hardly want to be with an exact copy of yourself.

Remind yourself it's okay to change

You may have had a common dream before, but people change and their dreams too. We constantly learn something new, we are influenced by external factors and internal experience. Accept this in yourself and in your partner.

Change the language of communication

• “It's okay. Everyone can remain unconvinced. "
• “I love to watch you do things your way.”
• “Thank you for telling me about this and opening up something new for me.”
• "What can I say or do to make you feel how much I love and appreciate you?"

Result: Adoption, respect, strengthening intimacy.

8. Denial of self-sufficiency

What phrases signal this

• "Nobody will love you the way I do."
• "You are all for me".
• "I don't know what I would have to do without you."

Effects: dependence, loss of self, irritation of the partner.

What to do

Remind yourself that your partner just complements you.

Draw the border

It's one thing to enjoy the company of your partner and turn to him for support, it's another to completely depend on him in moods and decisions. Your partner can increase your happiness, but caring for them shouldn't be entirely on their shoulders. Your happiness is in your hands.

Change the language of communication

• «Thank youthat you make my life more complete. "
• "I am learning a lot with you and you."
• "You and I are a great team!"

Result: a sense of their own integrity, strengthening the connection.

9. Pointing out disadvantages

What phrases signal this

• "It's time for you to take care of yourself."
• "Why aren't you getting a pay raise in any way?"
• "I wish you ..."

Effects: lack of joy, trust, passion.

What to do

Remind each other of positive.

Focus on the virtues

When you first fell in love, you probably noticed and mentioned what you like about your partner. It's time to resume this. You can even write everything down on paper.

Share what you value in your partner

Talk, leave notes, do nice little things - in general, try to put a smile on your partner's face and make him feel appreciated.

Change the language of communication

• Thank you for everything you do for us.
• “Today I just think why love you".
• "I appreciate you for ..."
• "Thanks for…"

Result: return of desire and intimacy.

10. Threats to end a relationship

What phrases signal this

• "If you do that again, I'll file for divorce."
• "I can't take this anymore."
• "That's it, I've had enough!"
• "Well, go away, if so!"

Effects: uncertainty, anxiety, hostility.

What to do

Look for ways to heal the relationship.

Try to connect again

Threats and the fear they generate only separates you. Try to talk and understand what exactly needs to be changed in the relationship in order for everything to work out. And get ready to be proactive.

Consider going to a family counselor

Don't be afraid to ask for such help. Whatever you choose in the end - to stay together or to separate peacefully - a psychologist will help you cope with the most difficult.

Change the language of communication

• "I am not leaving you."
• "I know we will get through this."
• "I'll wait until you want to discuss this."
• "I really want to learn a lesson from this situation so that we can move on."
• “Sorry for the threats. Let's figure out how to deal with this in order to stay together. "

Result: motivation to resolve Problems, stability, potential for growth.