How to get your way without manipulation and coercion

It happens that the interlocutors do not hear us, refuse to fulfill requests or wishes, and sometimes even take everything that has been said with hostility. This may mean that we use ineffective communicative techniques, there is a lot of manipulation, coercion and other forms of verbal violence in our speech. The approach, which is called that, helps to correct the situation: non-violent (or environmentally friendly) communication.

What is Nonviolent Communication

This is something like a system that in the 1960s invented and described in his book “The language of lifeAmerican psychologist Marshall Rosenberg. Nonviolent communication (NVC) helps you communicate your thoughts to the other person and get what you need without pressure.

An example of violent communication: “You absolutely do not watch your children! They run around the apartment and interfere with my work. Stop this mess! "

An example of nonviolent communication: “I work from home, and I really need at least relative silence, otherwise I cannot concentrate. I understand that children can be very noisy and active, and sometimes it is very difficult to calm them down. But please ask them to be quiet. Thank you".

Rosenberg believes that nonviolent communication can be practiced with anyone: with partners, children, colleagues, friends, parents, neighbors. This approach has proven to be very effectiveWhat is the impact of the application of the Nonviolent communication model on the development of empathy? Overview of research and outcomes. - it allows you to develop empathy, avoid conflicts or extinguish them before they develop into something serious. NGO trainings are conducted in various companies, as well as, for example, for prevention domestic violence and prevention of relapse in criminalsFreedom Project: Nonviolent Communication and Mindfulness Training in Prison.

The main components of nonviolent communication

1. Non-judgmental observation

This means it is worth following the words and behavior of the interlocutor and instead of labeling him, focus on the facts. You need to try to understand what feelings and needs are behind all this.

Compare:

• "He's lazy and doesn't want to learn at all!"
• “He does not prepare for seminars and does not pass tests on the first try. Perhaps he is not interested in the specialty he is receiving. Or there are serious difficulties in understanding the material. "

2. Definition of emotion

At this step, you need to look into yourself, analyze what you feel, and tell the interlocutor about this:

• "I get angry and offended when you throw things around."

3. Determining the need

Here you need to understand and formulate what you need:

• “I am terribly angry that my family does not clean up after themselves. I really want them to appreciate my work and show that they notice my efforts. "

4. Request

When the need is identified, it is worth expressing it in a respectful, non-accusatory manner and suggesting a way out:

• “I spend a lot of time and energy on cleaning, and I would like you to keep order at home. Let's come up with some cleanliness rules that everyone will try to follow. "

How to practice nonviolent communication

Here are a few tips to help you build adequate, friendly communication and get your way.

1. Say "I-messages"

When we say: "You are always sitting with a prefix" or "You're late again!" - we accuse interlocutor. And nobody likes to feel guilty. In response to this, a person may begin to defend himself, snap back, show aggression. The matter will end in quarrels and resentments, and you will not get what you want. Therefore, it is important to talk about yourself and your feelings, and not about another person, and start a sentence not with “you” or “you”, but with “I” or “me”. For example:

• “I get upset if you play a lot. I miss you".
• “I get very angry when someone is late. I do not like it when plans go astray. "

2. Try to dispense with judgment

Non-judgmental observation is one of the basic principles of NGOs. ABOUTprice is a product of our emotions, cognitive biases and negative experience, it cannot be objective and does not help in communication.

HIt is not worth starting communication from such positions:

• "Our neighbors are inadequate cattle who respect no one and listen to music at 1 am."
• “My child is a spoiled, out of hand lazy person. He doesn't give me a penny, doesn't want to study and help around the house. "

The essence of NVC is to at least partially understand the motives and needs of a person. For example, a naughty child may thus attract attention or be angry at something. And the neighbor wants to rest after a working day and does not understand what is preventing the entire entrance from sleeping. If you start from this, the probability of coming to compromise will be higher.

3. Avoid the imperative mood

“Wash the dishes”, “call the customer”, “turn off the music” - these phrases sound like orders. And people don't like it when they are ordered. Because of this, they can go into resistance: they will become stubborn, refuse to fulfill requests, respond with rudeness. It is better to use softer, diplomatic and respectful constructions, not to command, but to ask or offer. For example:

• "Will you be able to call the client today and clarify this issue?"
• "Come on, you quickly wash the dishes, and then we'll watch the series!"
• "Please turn down the music."

4. Don't give unsolicited advice

They can transcend personal boundaries and take shape. psychological abuse. Therefore, it is better to wait until a person asks for something to advise him, and only then express his thoughts. And without rising above the interlocutor and without trying to crush him with your experience.

If you think that a person needs advice, and it will definitely make his life better or help in a difficult situation, try first to find out how appropriate it is to advise something now. For example:

• "I had a similar situation. If you want, I can tell you somehow what I did. "

5. Be careful with criticism

Perhaps the interlocutor is not in the mood to listen to her now or does not need her at all. Attempts to point out to him that he is living wrong doesn't look like that and not doing so, just make him angry or upset.

Sometimes criticism is indispensable (for example, if you work together). In this case, it is better to express it in the form of feedback. That is, to talk about what you like in a person's actions, then politely show him what can be corrected, and offer a couple of ideas on how to do it.

6. Learn to talk about your emotions

Sometimes all difficulties in communication arise due to the fact that we cannot understand our feelings and correctly name them. Instead of shouting: "Everything pisses me off!" - one could say: “I am upset because you ...”. The second statement is not aggressive, and it helps the other person to understand you better.

The main emotion shown in the wheelDownload the infographic on the book "Emotional Intelligence" Robert Plutchik. Once you have a good understanding of this spectrum, it may be worth looking and learning to name additional shades. They can be found, for example, in linguistic and psychological dictionaries.

7. Express sympathy

A person will be much more loyal if he sees that you are on his side, understand and share his emotions and do not consider him bad. And it will not be superfluous to praise the interlocutor for good deeds. For example:

• “You seem to be nervous at work. You play the console to relieve stress?»
• “I really like the way you work. What if we discuss how else we can improve the performance? "