A new useful thread has appeared on Twitter. The user @tyrellchik gave an example of a technique that will help you properly support a person in a difficult situation. This technique is described in the book by Jerold Kreisman and Hal Ostrich “I hate you, just don't leave me. Borderline Persons and How to Understand Them. " For convenience, the author even prepared a digital version of the diagrams from the book.
I write this thread because people are mistaken, thinking that the words “everything is fine,” “everything will work out,” and so on help people cope with emotions in crisis situations, but this is completely wrong. nonetheless, it can be difficult to find other words.
- damned tenshouin. (@tyrellchik) July 17, 2020
there is a communication system, consisting of three parts, which is used when manifesting destructive behavior, making important decisions and any other crisis situations. the system is called SET-UP, which in English means "structure", "order", "installation".
- damned tenshouin. (@tyrellchik) July 17, 2020
S - support
E - empathy (sympathy)
T - truth
U - understanding
P - perseverance (persistence)the first three points make up the system itself, the last two are the goals that all participants in communication strive to achieve. pic.twitter.com/BLN28qBsxc
- damned tenshouin. (@tyrellchik) July 17, 2020
Here's what goes into each of the three main phases:
The first phase S requires personal expression of concerns. “I am sincerely concerned about how you are feeling” is an example of showing support. you should focus on YOUR own feelings (this is very important), in essence, this is a personal promise to try to help.
- damned tenshouin. (@tyrellchik) July 17, 2020
Phase E involves trying to recognize the randomness of your interlocutor's feelings. phrases in the style of "you must be feeling awful" are appropriate here. THE MAIN THING! do not confuse sympathy and pity ("I am so sorry for you ..."). pity can provoke anger.
- damned tenshouin. (@tyrellchik) July 17, 2020
the T stage represents the emphasis on truth or reality. you must make the interlocutor understand that ONLY HE is responsible for his life, no one else. S and E are subjective statements that establish how the interlocutors feel. T acknowledges the problem and>
- damned tenshouin. (@tyrellchik) July 17, 2020
addresses the practical and objective side: how to solve it? the main phrase of Stage T is “and what will YOU do with it?”. however, you need to avoid accusations (“you made this mess, you have to clean it up!”, “you dragged it into this story!” and etc).
- damned tenshouin. (@tyrellchik) July 17, 2020
What happens if one of the phases is violated:
the absence of the S phase leads to the fact that the interlocutor may decide that you do not care or that you do not want to deal with him. the interlocutor may not pay attention to further stages, believing that you do not care. expressions like "you don't care!" - a marker that you were not heard. pic.twitter.com/7UsQScTFwf
- damned tenshouin. (@tyrellchik) July 17, 2020
Failure to convey empathy leads to the conviction of the other person that you do not understand what they are going through. the interlocutor may lose the meaning to continue the conversation. as mentioned above, if you focus on YOUR experience, then you too will not be understood and condemned. pic.twitter.com/lqjkz2i5Hg
- damned tenshouin. (@tyrellchik) July 17, 2020
if you have not been able to express the element of truth well, then the interlocutor may not realize his responsibility and shift it onto others. this is especially dangerous if you are dealing with border guards (I will not describe in detail the possible reaction on their part, if interested - dm). pic.twitter.com/uGIoyNjJOC
- damned tenshouin. (@tyrellchik) July 17, 2020
Why are two more phases needed:
at the end I will note a little about U and P. these points are required to achieve effective communication.
understanding the underlying communication dynamics and partner needs reinforces the principles of the entire SET system.
persistence is needed to bring about change.- damned tenshouin. (@tyrellchik) July 17, 2020
This is the basic technique, you can find additional examples and explanations in original thread. In the comments, many users note that the usual “everything will be fine” really helps them calm down. And this is wonderful! It is always worth trying to calm the person in this way before moving on to heavier artillery. The SET-UP technique implies deeper involvement in the situation of the person and more effective support. It will help when banal phrases are not enough.
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