"It is itself broken": how to deal with infantile people

Julia Hill

Psychologist, A member of Professional Psychotherapeutic League, blogger.

Long ago, when I worked in the office, we have, as in all respectable companies had their pros. His name was Bob. On the phone, he always replied tiredly exhale: «IT-department ..."

- John, good morning! Here we have a strange way behaves the printer... I did not do anything, and it again - and stopped working.

- It was good, until you called.

Vasya could understand. Every day he had to patiently fix what is "very broken": save keyboard-drenched coffee reboot computer (because "I do not know where this is a button"), pull out of the bowels of the copier sheets with staples ( "Oh, I do not them to put "). At unbelievable reasons adults with higher education feel absolutely helpless before the "rebellion" of office machines. The consequences of the elimination of the disaster have always dealt only with Bob.

Although this is a trivial example, but I think of it every time I have to deal with infantile people - those who It demonstrates the helplessness and happily pushes responsibility for their mistakes on others, circumstances, magnetic storms and rising prices oil.

What is infantilism

In the life of the "I" of man is manifested in three internal states: The child, parents and adults. When the dominant parent, we tend to criticize themselves excessively, to take greater responsibility. When dominated by adults, we are able to analyze the situation and look for constructive solutions to the problem, relying only on themselves. When we headed child, we shirk responsibility, Looking for protection and demand fulfillment of their "want" by any means. If dominance inner child is not temporary and permanent, it is possible to talk about immaturity.

It is important to distinguish between infantile naivety, although at first glance to have much in common.

Naivete - is "all I can", "I do not want to know anything about the imperfection of the world and will behave as if it is not present."

Infantilism - is "not want to, even if I can", "I was afraid of the imperfection of the world, and I prefer to hide from him behind someone's back."

How do I find an infantile man

The behavior of such people is very similar to the child's behavior. They tend to be:

• They do not know how to, and often do not want to make decisions. They care about their own comfort and refer to "tired," "I find it hard," "I was not taught", "why I should." It seems that they simply shift the responsibility for their lives to others. But this is not so. Infantile people - skilled manipulators. They will never act to the detriment of themselves and find hundreds of ways to do what you need them, but someone else's hands.
• Fixated on itself. Surrounding them it is often seen as a tool to meet their needs. They believe that the world should revolve around them. And any difficulty in relationships with people interpreted as "they do not understand me."
• Live for funFulfilling the desires right now and not thinking about the future. infantile life for the people - a great game. They are focused on entertainment, live one day and often have children "magical thinking": they think is wanted, how everything will happen by itself, without any effort on their part.
• Conveniently arranged "on the neck." This is not necessarily a life at the expense of other, more reluctance to serve himself, to solve everyday problems. At critical moments with them are always those who will come to the rescue and save: friends, parents, spouse.
• Are not able to learn from their own mistakes. They are not peculiar to the questions "Who am I?", "Where am I going?", "What is my way of life?". Events in their lives are not related logic - it is usually peculiar to children. They do not analyze the causes and hardly predict the consequences of their actions.
• Do not see a problem in itself. They rarely turn to a psychologist with a request "to change ourselves." If you are coming for help, most often with a request to influence others, to advise how to manage others.

Because of what appears infantilism

The reasons for this behavior and perception of the world are always to be sought at an early age. If you go back to your childhood infantile person, we can see that the feature shoot with responsibility and shift the blame to others is associated with parent letters.

Parental messages - it's not just the words that the child hears. They include that which adults do not learn consciously, while summing up the children to certain conclusions and behavior. Parent letters analyzed in detail the American psychotherapist Bob and Mary Goulding (Followers of Eric Bern, leading representatives of the direction of transactional analysis) in the book "Psychotherapy new solutions. "

Not adults!

• "Adults know how to better."
• "You're still small enough to ..."
• "You'll have time to grow up more."
• "At your age I was still playing with dolls."

Such messages transmit parents who panic afraid of children growing up. child's independence may be associated with their fear of aging, Of uselessness, loss of meaning in life.

Trying to help children around, make their lives easier, protect from adversity, parents literally paralyze their independence, binding to itself. The child unconsciously learns, "I can not be so self-reliant, to throw Mom and Dad," "I'm not able to do everything myself, I can not do it."

As adults, these people are always looking for an authoritative "parent figure", on which we can rely. It could be a real mom and dad and boss, a colleague, a friend, a spouse.

Do not think!

• "Enough clever."
• "It's none of your business."
• "Your case - to obey."

These messages are digested as follows: "It's none of my business, let them think and solve the other." Loving parents trying to distract children from everyday worries and difficulties, in fact, deprived of its ability to engage in the creation of your own reality, to set goals and make decisions. The child obediently believes that any problem - the case of adults, and its task - to have fun and play.

Becoming older, people feel lost when faced with difficulties, they develop doubts about the correctness of their decisions. They are happy to call on the assistance of others, even when it is necessary to do the most banal operation: transfer payment through the terminal, send the video in the messenger or dishwasher.

Do not do it!

• "Give me, I will do it."
• "Do not bother me to get out (to prepare, repair, and so on)."
• "Himself for homework not sit down. I come home from work, and do with me. "

Posts sense is this: to do the most dangerous, best if someone will make another for you. Parents deprived of the rights of the child to explore the world and have the necessary experience.

Growing up, brought up so people try any thing to pass on to the shoulders of another. If all of a sudden they do something wrong yourself and blame are all around, but they did not.

Do not be a baby!

• "What are you like a little!"
• "When you finally grow up ?!"
• "Stop fooling around."
• "It is time to start to do everything."

Generally, children who receive such messages, on the contrary, grow giperotvetstvennymi. They are forced to grow up early. And not always from the great parental love. This may be the children of people with alcohol dependence. Or those who have a lot of younger brothers and sisters, who grew up in a family where the parents are constantly busy with their chores or seriously ill. Then on the child is responsible, an excessive age and capabilities.

But sometimes paradoxical option "gorged" responsibility at an early age, an adult seeking to shift it to others to make those around her loving and caring parents. He runs as if in childhood and, like a soccer ball, discards from any obligation.

Do not be a leader!

• "Do not put out."
• "What do you want, most of all you want?"
• "Your business".
• "It is not for you to decide."

A person regularly receives such reports as a child grows with the confidence that is necessary by all means to avoid responsibility. This message is in the way to the disclosure of their abilities in any situation. Being an adult for such a person automatically means "to expose themselves to danger."

How to communicate with infantile people

To transform the infantile person in a full-fledged adult, will have to be patient. In fact, you have to do something that did not make his parents at the time - to provide a field for self-experimentation and decision-making. Usually, this work of the therapist, but as infantile people, as I said, rarely want to change something in yourself, have to work hard for those who have to communicate with them every day.

Remember that even the relationship of two people form a coherent system. If one of the pair - giperfunktsional, who is always ready to help, decide to save, clean, cook, educate, work, the second gets the role gipofunktsionala. He has nothing to do, everything else will perform for him. It happens that unconsciously wanting to realize their life scenario, we choose such people to friends or partners. We feel close to them all-powerful, all-powerful, necessary. But it happens, and so that the neighborhood with the infantile man forced, and we do not feel any pleasure from it, but only irritation.

In this case, the most effective way - to pretend gipofunktsionalom, incapable of decision-making and responsible person.

• To the question "There is a problem, I'd better do?" Must be followed by the answer: "What would you do yourself?", "What do you think, how to act?"
• "I am not guilty, I was given the wrong information." - "And if you did not have any information, any decision you'd have received?"
• "I overslept. Why did you wake me?! "-" I have the most time to wake up, you want too much from me. "
• "You could give me would be to borrow money? I went to the mall and did not notice that all spent. " - "No, I can not, I have everything planned out."

Be prepared for the fact that the infantile man will be angry at you, offended you in reproach callousness and injustice. Perhaps even cease communication with you - that may be, and the better (of course, if you do not like to be with someone nanny).

And it is better not to get involved in this game with a re-education. The desire to make the world "a kinder and greener" is also up to no good arguments. Learn from kidalty be selective in the issues of liability and, instead of wasting time and energy on solving problems of a healthy 40-year-old guys, go home and play a game console. Or what have you on schedule? Preparations for the winter? Cherry jam it is very good tea cold January evening.

Coddle infantile adults - something else fun. Share this text, so that others can recognize irresponsible "eternal child" and consciously decide whether they are willing to always play the role of protector and savior.